Being ‘thin’ is a funny thing. I actually think that I was more secure with who I was when I was heavier. Now that I am in the ‘healthy’ weight range, I am more mentally prone to being critical. When you’re much heavier you live outside of the thin bubble and can rationalise why you don’t have to be judged by those standards.
This is an e-mail I got from a friend…I think it hammers home exactly what I mean.
“Have you forgotten how beautiful you are? I read your blog and the wonderful beautiful confident kick ass girl I know is being covered up. So I’m here to remind you that food doesn’t rule your life nor does weight. (boy I’ve been there) You are loved beyond belief by so many people because of who you are. You are amazing! I’m so glad that you are putting yourself first. You deserve that and every good thing. Keep your head up friend. Be gentle with yourself! Sending hugs!!”
Where did it go? I am not too sure. It is interesting and this realisation has just come to me. Perhaps we always go through ebbs and flows in our lives. Confident, not confident, etc. It has been hard losing this last bit of weight and as I have said before it seems at times as though it runs my mental life. I am seeking to find that balance, albeit hard. Finding my faith in God and also finding my faith in myself. Interesting times. I appreciate people who spell it out, because that is what I need. Deep breath.