This is from my journal last night. It was shocker of a day..and I think it’s important to write this out. 1. because it’s totally new insight for me..well actually finally getting to the root of the problem 2. I think we all deal with this.
13 Jan 09′
Today it just hit me that I am lonely. The thing that was really interesting is that I called me ex yesterday afternoon, before lunch, and it became apparent that after the first phone call I became overwhelmed with a deep sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction. Then throughout the day all I wanted was tons of food and things to fill me up. Then I called him again before I went to my yoga class. After yoga, and actually before it, all I wanted was ice cream..anything with sugar..anything to fill me up and take away the loneliness I felt.
What has become apparent is that it isn’t the food that I am eating normally. It’s that when I binge, am stressed out, and vacant emotionally…i eat the wrong or right foods for the WRONG reasons. I have to look at what motivates me.
I have said no this, no that. What is is really about comes down to the idea that emotions can’t run my eating. I have to get a grip on these issues that dominated me and everything else. I have to actually check in with myself to get a gasp of the things which triggered me to binge the whole day. I just couldn’t get ‘full’ and that means that emotionally I feel empty. THe other thing that interests me is that so many of the reasons why I binge are triggered when no one is around…that’s scary.
It scares me also, because at my current rate of eating I have have two-three days a week where I eat more than 3000 calories..and that means I could potentially gain 1lbs a week. That is scary. Real consequences all around.
By discovering who I am, where I am going and exactly what I want to do is what I have to do. I HAVE TO LISTEN TO MYSELF. I ended a relationship, albeit it hard, becuase in my heart it just wasn’t the right place for me right now. Relationships should be something which you are comfortable with…where you feel balanced. My relationship with food is abusive.
Food is the one thing that bring me joy in life on a consistent basis…if I use it properly. Throughout my childhood, which lead me to be 130lbs heavier than I am right now..was due to emotionally filling a void in my life caused by divorce. I am not going to blame anyone for my weight increase. However, my lack of healthy views of food, and a positive understanding of how food fills my life…I will gain weight again. I will undoubtedly be unhappier.
It’s hard to admit ‘I am lonely and I am once again coping with food’. I am not going to make a whole bunch of proclamations about how much I am going to work out and/or how I am going to starve myself, or what crazy diet i am going to go on. I am so over counting points..I want a healthy relationship with food. It has come to me as well, that diets DO NOT ENABLE SOMEONE TO TRUST THEMSELVES. Diets actually say ‘you can’t be trusted to listen to your body or use what you know…so we’re going to cut all this out, make you eat all of this, make you obsessed with an f-ing number and in some instances count points’. Diets DO NOT ENABLE SOMEONE TO TRUST THEMSELVES…IN FACT THEY REITERATE PEOPLE’S WEAKNESSES AND ONLY PERPETUATE A CORE SENSE OF ‘NO I AM NOT CAPABLE ON MY OWN’. It’s dependence. That’s why people, so often, go off the counting of points and fail. ME INCLUDED. I don’t want to fall back on WW..I am too stubborn to. I want to do this one my own. I want to control my own life.
What can I do?
1. Check-in with myself…when I get a tinge of ‘hunger’ in my brain…why?
2. Enjoy my food–this actually might be harder than it seems
3. Let myself heal
So it’s 11 1/2 weeks. I’ve binged twice, readjusted my workout routine, have almost gone back to WW, have probably gained another two pounds. But I have gained an incredible insight into who I am and how food fills my life. I don’t know what the next 11 1/2 weeks are going to bring. But I know that I have such a better understanding of who I am. For that, although I am scared I won’t be able to control myself, gives me strength to keep plugging away at the healing process and understanding food.