Round 2 of lonely and binging
This has been an intense week. It started with the realisation last Saturday that I had pretty much lost track of my eating. Then my ex, whom I had been spending tons of my time with, left the city that I was in. Finally, saying ‘it’s over’. The hard part about this process is that my support network, of friends whom I am was very close to, have pretty much all left. I have ended a very intense and deeply emotional relationship of which I would say he was probably one of my best friends and three of my closest friends have left since September and will not ever be coming back to where I am living.
So, in a desperate move on my part..it’s Friday night. I decided that going to the markets would ‘kill some time’ so that I didn’t have to endure too much of the ‘I don’t have anyone to hang out with on a Friday night’. I got home..not hungry and started to make dinner. Then I slowly ate that, knowing that I wasn’t hungry.
Then, I called my ex. He’s the only person who really gets me here. He’s one of the only people whom I have let in who is still ‘around’. For the time that I was talking to him, it felt so nice to be able to connect with someone. Immediately after I got off of the phone I binged. I couldn’t get enough into me to ‘cure’ the emptiness of something that used to bring so much joy and security to my life. It has nothing to do with him; it has everything to do with me.
I then got into the crystallised carob covered ginger and then started eating the spelt loaf that I had bought. I ate six pieces of bread.
After binging I just got onto the couch and bawled. Here I am a 25 year old who feels as though they are connected deeply to anyone and has to rely upon on ex and spelt bread to get a hit, to then come crashing down.
SO, I went to yogadownloads.com and downloaded about nine different types of yoga routines. I am trying to find a place where I can fill my life with things that don’t involve shoving my face to feel whole again. I want to be at a peace in my life where food isn’t my friend..in that sense that it’s not my confidant.
I have been through a lot in this past Week, Week 1. I didn’t stay true to my working out. However, I binged about three huge times..two of those revolve around emotions. The beauty of this commitment to writing this and being reflective is that I have to honestly get to the root of where I am struggling. I know that I am stronger then I am right now. I AM STRONGER!
Week 2 of 12 is bound to be one which focuses solely on getting my mind into a different place. I think what I need to focus on is not what I eat (I didn’t eat anything I ‘couldn’t eat last night..so that’s a plus…I actually suppressed my usual staple of ice cream). It’s more about controlling my emotions and focus on bringing a healing, powerful grace over my mind. To bring it into a place that will give me strength to overcome this deep seated pain from my childhood, from the ending of friends/relationships, and to give me a better head space at work.
I am thankful for whomever is reading this…I don’t know perhaps who some of you are. I just hope that whatever you’re going through, you to find the peace. Thanks for listening and reading.