Yes, I have Crohns

Yes, Michelle, You..YES YOU have Crohns.

I had a terrible night last night. In fact I’ve had a terrible couple of months. I have written about this and I think that writing about it–albeit it not the focus of my blog–will hopefully shed light into the world that I am living in.

Last night I SHOVED food into my face after having a FANTASTIC day on plan. I didn’t go off. But at night, when I am alone and lonely I shove food into my face. I probably consumed about 2,500 calories in one hour. Yeah, I know it’s disgusting. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?

At midnight after I wanted to vomit from eating a whole bunch of crap..and food that doesn’t make me feel better, I went and Googled ‘Binge Eating’ and got a whole bunch of responses to deal with the fact that yes..people actually have disorders. I broke down: I DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER DISORDER.

I laid in bed and sobbed. Here I am I feel like the following:

  • a failure
  • a fat cow
  • out of control
  • lonely
  • alone
  • weak
  • FAT
  • GROSS
  • EMOTIONAL

I just prayed for God’s strength. I just need to fill my life with other things then baking, then consuming food when I am tired, lonely and really not wanting to deal with the fact that I have a disorder which limits my love of food in so many ways.

I just sobbed. I came to the following conclusions:

  • Life isn’t always peachy keen and I have the choice to reverse this behaviour
  • Yeah I am heavy right now
  • Yep, my clothes are tight
  • Nope I don’t and WON’T buy new clothes
  • I will not go on steroids..thus I can’t keep trashing my body
  • Thank God I have amazing people online (whome I’ve never met but have given me so much strength–Roni)
  • It’s a journey and I am willing and able to continue. I have come so far and I know that I can go even further.
  • I feel like me having Crohn’s is a blessing…that I have a spot in my life to really help others through others inspiring me πŸ™‚

As Roni stated, it’s one day at a time. I have to relinquish my need for food to cope and be ok with doing other things in my life. I just needed to write this to say..YEP I AM STRUGGLING…BUT I WON’T BE DEFEATED! Thanks for listening and reading. Sorry to be a downer..but I promise to get back to posting pictures of what I did last night—lets just say I am bruised–as well as this yummy new brekky that I invented this morning.

You are all a blessing. ~Michelle

4 thoughts on “Yes, I have Crohns

  1. Gabrielle says:

    You’re lovely Michelle,

    What bravery to put yourself out there like that. You won’t be defeated sweetie!

    xoxoxo
    Many smiles for you,

    Gabrielle

  2. Kristin says:

    OMG. I could have written your post, save for the fact that my Crohn’s is not active presently.

    Having had Crohn’s diagnosed at a young age, and growing up on restricted diets, I feel it really effected me emotionally in the way I deal with food. I’ve always struggled with my weight – been overweight and anorexic, dabbled with bulimia and have been known to binge eat. Food has always been a love/hate relationship for me.

    That being said, I’m having success lately in finding a “healthy” me.

    Looking forward to reading through your blog and following you on twitter πŸ™‚

  3. Reluctant Blogger says:

    Half the battle with any of these things is being honest with yourself and you are doing that. And the good thing about blogging and other online stuff is that you need never feel truly alone. I think if I had a problem – felt desperate about something – the only place I would feel safe enough to talk about it or seek help would be on my blog. It is a failsafe for me.

    I struggle to with the things I should not eat. When it is hot I want beer and I give in and pick up a bottle of Little Creatures even though I know it will make me feel dire the next day and stop me from being able to run – and it is a vicious circle cos then I feel bad about it and not running and turn to more beer or something else for comfort.

    I have no answers though.

    Big hugsxx

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