Yes, Michelle, You..YES YOU have Crohns.
I had a terrible night last night. In fact I’ve had a terrible couple of months. I have written about this and I think that writing about it–albeit it not the focus of my blog–will hopefully shed light into the world that I am living in.
Last night I SHOVED food into my face after having a FANTASTIC day on plan. I didn’t go off. But at night, when I am alone and lonely I shove food into my face. I probably consumed about 2,500 calories in one hour. Yeah, I know it’s disgusting. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?
At midnight after I wanted to vomit from eating a whole bunch of crap..and food that doesn’t make me feel better, I went and Googled ‘Binge Eating’ and got a whole bunch of responses to deal with the fact that yes..people actually have disorders. I broke down: I DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER DISORDER.
I laid in bed and sobbed. Here I am I feel like the following:
- a failure
- a fat cow
- out of control
I just prayed for God’s strength. I just need to fill my life with other things then baking, then consuming food when I am tired, lonely and really not wanting to deal with the fact that I have a disorder which limits my love of food in so many ways.
I just sobbed. I came to the following conclusions:
- Life isn’t always peachy keen and I have the choice to reverse this behaviour
- Yeah I am heavy right now
- Yep, my clothes are tight
- Nope I don’t and WON’T buy new clothes
- I will not go on steroids..thus I can’t keep trashing my body
- Thank God I have amazing people online (whome I’ve never met but have given me so much strength–Roni)
- It’s a journey and I am willing and able to continue. I have come so far and I know that I can go even further.
- I feel like me having Crohn’s is a blessing…that I have a spot in my life to really help others through others inspiring me 🙂
As Roni stated, it’s one day at a time. I have to relinquish my need for food to cope and be ok with doing other things in my life. I just needed to write this to say..YEP I AM STRUGGLING…BUT I WON’T BE DEFEATED! Thanks for listening and reading. Sorry to be a downer..but I promise to get back to posting pictures of what I did last night—lets just say I am bruised–as well as this yummy new brekky that I invented this morning.
You are all a blessing. ~Michelle