Good morning. I am writing with very tired eyes and a large bloated, full tummy. I once again couldn’t keep my hands off of the food last night at a party. Do you have this problem, where if there’s food in front of you at parties you just eat cause it’s there? It’s one of my MAJOR trigger points, as well as baking.
I think that I have really hit the wall this morning. There’s no tears or emotionaly breakdowns, just honest and good ‘NO MORE’.
I weigh myself every morning and my day’s mood is SOLELY dependent (mostly) on what the scale reads in the morning. So when, after a huge night of eating, I am 4 1/2lbs heavier than I was when I woke up yesterday, I am pissed. I want to scream, lay in bed and think about everything I hate about myself, make stupid promises that I have kept yet to my body, and obsess about all of the 30lbs of weight that I need to lose. Yeah, that’s healthy isn’t it?
I think the things that washed over me is that:
1. My weight and diet of WW isn’t temporary
2. My SCD for my gut isn’t temporary. I can’t have little bites, likes, tastes (BLT ironically) cause my gut hates them and I can’t stop.
3. I am better than letting one night ruin my next beautifully good day by the numbers on the scale
4. I’ve come damn far.
5. I think that I am going to re-evaluate my weight goal of 160lbs. When I was 168lbs I think that my body was amazingly skinny. Wow! SKINNY? But I was starving. So I am going to push back that goal to 174lbs–that is when I am in healthy weight range.
6. I am not going to put a time frame on my goal
7. My focus in simply on eating for a happy gut and for a happy body overall.
I haven’t felt this convicted in a long time about what I want and where I want to go. I think that there’s a part of me that is revolting against losing weight again, because I have been doing it for such a long time (this is the first time that I’ve admitted that). Does that ever happen to you? You say what you’re going to do, but in the back of your mind where the dormant ‘nay sayer’ lives you know that you ‘can’t’ do it? But there’s such a bigger more powerful part that is currently lying dormant that is ready to breathe fire over everything in my life that is holding me back.
This is to the Dragon.
After re-reading this post for grammatical and spelling errors, I smiled.