Trust

Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence

What does it mean to trust someone?
What does it mean to trust yourself?

I have to say that trust, for me, is something I struggle with. This is not in the sense that I don’t trust people, because for the most part…I do trust people. I look at people as though they are inherently good people..for the most part.

However, I don’t trust MYSELF.

When I was talking to the psych about my ex…I told her ‘I knew for a long time that he wasn’t ‘the one’ but I kept it going’. Intellectually I thought that he’s a great guy..he is…but in my heart and gut I knew it wasn’t ‘the one’..and he’s agree as well. I just didn’t trust to think outside of my mind…I didn’t want emotions to get the best of me.

Being on WeightWatchers is because I can’t trust myself to eat healthy and be accountable for myself inregards to food. What if I don’t track my points..that’s when I gain weight. ‘YOU MUST TRACK..IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT’. I wrote to Angela…yeah I dont’ know her..but she had some blog posts about binging which got me thinking and I really appreciated them. This is what she wrote back to me, today:

I think your thoughts are spot on about why the binges are happening. When the body feels restricted it rebels. It is a natural instinct! It happened to me many times…I was beating my head against a wall for years until I finally stopped denying myself what it needs. I had a friend that did WW and it actually made he ED worse and made her quite obsessed with points. She would often binge at the end of a week.

So much of life boils down to trusting ourselves. Trusting the gut, heart, head. I have been in supervisory roles where I am helping/overseeing students for about 5 1/2 years. I have been trained to only listen to my head when push comes to shove. Internalise emotions so that they don’t overcome me. I’ve learned to shut off my heart and gut.

I think at the end of the day, I feel intellectually that I have to get my head around my binging pattern that I’ve gotten myself into. However, I know that it’s tied to an emotional need. What my gut is telling me right now…no literally..is that I have to get rid of my intellectual point tracking from WeightWatchers and listen to my gut–hunger signals. (does that make sense…ha ha ha)

Thus,

  • I am going to stop counting points for the next five weeks…when I head off to Timor.
  • I am going to actively overcome this dependent and abusive relationship that I have with food and binging and learn to forgive myself if I slip up.
  • I am going to trust myself to listen to my body to bring about the foods which I need to make myself happy and healthy.
  • I am going to trust that I can overcome a lazy approach to exercise.
  • I am going to trust ME!

Trust, the foundation of a healthy relationship…with myself.

I am scared…I really am.

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