Yesterday was another day where I exhausted myself trying to silence the binge monster. I gave up around 9:45pm and made banana pancakes. I didn’t go and get the ice cream my binge monster wanted..but I engorged instead in pancakes. Removing myself from the situation..I know what I am doing is not ok. I just can’t seem to stop myself. The more I think about it..the more I think about life as in investment.
What do I choose to invest in?
I am investing a hell-of-a lot of time and effort into playing mind games with myself. The longest I’ve gone without a binge in recently history is 2 days..that’s sad. It’s because I sit and play mental games with myself. Two hours of trying to stop myself from walking down the street and getting ice cream. It’s not even about the ice cream it’s about the binger inside of me.
I did yoga last night, and I have forgotten how much I loved it. I haven’t done it in awhile. I went to bed full and frustrated. I woke up this morning pretty crap. I actually woke up in the middle of the night to night sweats. It was weird. I was totally drenched. I have to say that this morning I was pretty down. Then I read Caitlin’s blog and I felt refreshed.
My body isn’t my enemy and I have to learn to love it.
I think that I am learning, re-learning, my whole entire body. I am learning to balance out my thoughts, my eating patterns, my hate towards myself sometimes. I was speaking with the counsellor yesterday and I told her that I am going to quit fighting life, meaning that I am not going to invest in things which don’t bring me joy. I needed to get this off my chest.