Camera is dead

Hey there,

Don’t have any more pictures from today. My camera is dead. I hoping that I don’t have to buy a new one.

Soccer is …. terrible. We lost terribly. We’re unfit in a lot of areas. My coach told me ‘you don’t need to be so hard on yourself’. I feel bad if we’re losing…I think it’s my fault. However, I love how tired I feel after wards. I love playing team sports. I won’t quit..even if we lose every single game.

I binged today. FML. I feel like I am never ever going to get over this. Like I am going to be one of the TLC shows ‘The Fattest Woman’. No not really…but I can’t bake if I am detoxing. However, the stuff I made today was amazing. If I can get my camera working, I’ll post the pictures.

The ex called today. I miss him. I finally admitted to myself that I loved him. I have a little bit of an f-ed up childhood..nothing terrible…just divorce things. It’s REALLY REALLY hard for me to let people in. To admit that I care about them totally is difficult for me, because then I open myself up to hurt. I loved him. Anyways we talked for about 20 minutes, because I wrote him the other day saying ‘I have Candida’…cause he’s been there since everything started. Anyways, I miss his support. He has a way of understanding and supporting me (even though he had issues with my weight) that no one else has. I let him in. I need his support. I have come to realise that I am exhausted. I am f-ing tired of having to battle this f-ing disease/stomach whatever on my own. I want a hug from my mom, a coffee with my best friends, an Ikea run with my sister.

There are days when I wonder what the big mystery or purpose is with Australia. Have I stayed beyond me time? Have I gotten all that I can out of it? Have I given it a fair go? I don’t know all the answers. What I do know is that tomorrow is a brand new f-ing day. I am doing something tonight to help me get through the binging shit.

I went to Mass tonight. I work for a Catholic uni, went to a Catholic uni for my undergraduate degree. However, i am not Catholic. Christian..maybe? In a loose sense of the word. Perhaps Jewish..not really sure. A believer..yes. Defined..not really. However, two things hit me. 1. Preach the Gospel always, use words when needed. I can say that I am going to detox, give up this, work out, etc. However…my actions are what count. 2. ‘Amazing Grace’ gets me every time. EVERY TIME.

That’s my letter to you tonight. I am going to tuck myself into my nicely cleaned sheets and sleep. Tomorrow morning is a brand new day. I toy sometimes with not blogging anymore. Sometimes I feel like I devote a lot of time to it. Sometimes I think that I don’t eat as healthy as others and I haven’t found anyone who battles with food like me…maybe everyone else understands how to control it better. Maybe they know themselves better. I hope that someone finds my ramblings interesting and of value.

I feel better. I do. I am tired..but not weary.

~M

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