It’s my last full day at the Bakhita Centre. I am honestly so sad. When I came to Bakhita/Timor I said to myself ‘this trip is for no particular purpose and it is for no one but myself.’
I have traveled before, but over the last three years I’ve only gone to India for the sole purpose of going for myself. I’ve gone back to America, traveled around Australia—but those are either work related or with the focus of family. Both of which are valid and worthwhile.
However, there’s power in doing things for yourself. I have to say that I came across an e-mail today which I wrote to a co-worker.
I am so happy and content right now I could cry. It’s what I have been praying for so much for the past seven months. I am over the pain that has been caused with feeling physically inadequate and in touch with my spirit and beauty. Timor is an amazing place. I think it’s reminded me of the power of community and family. Something that I’ve been craving for a long time.
I think that there’s such a powerful option in life of opening yourself up to the world that is around you. Being totally raw, spongelike in the place where you are. I mean how could you not want to open your heart to these amazing people?
This is Betty. She has taught herself basic ER medicine and is such an amazing resource. I wish that I could send her to nursing school–she’d fly. She cleaned my wound today. It hurt.
After spending about 2 ½ hours in people’s houses and being fed fried bananas, which are amazing by the way—I am writing Timorese recipes 🙂
Donna and I pretty much skipped down the road with smiles on our faces as though our crush has just said hi to us. Why? Because we’re in a place where we feel totally and completely free and loved.
I was drinking my coffee this morning with a view that never EVER gets old. I jotted this down:
Timor has given me my confidence back. Timor has given me my spirit back. Timor has encouraged me to be the best and most amazing person that I can be. I has opened my heart, my mind and to the beauty and grace of myself. For the first time in about four years I feel I can get to a place where I want to be. To reconnect with my goals and dreams. To reconnect with my family an to embrace all of my great qualities.
I keep coming back to the idea of being content. This is NOT complacent. It’s just totally and completely and honestly enjoying every single moment, being in touch with my spirit, being in touch with my body, and feeding mind/body/spirit with things which reap a positive outlook on life. I have been struggling…struggling for so long with my weight. For eight years I’ve have suppressed any positive thought about my weight…unless I was losing..unless I was thinner. Having someone in my life who said pointblank that he ‘had a problem with my weight’ was not at all healthy. It’s been a year ago that such comment has been said to me.
I don’t have a problem with where I am at right now. I know where I will be, but it wont be a path of binging, hating myself, dragging myself down, and investing an ounce of anything into someone and/or something that doesn’t bring my confidence, joy, peace, and appreciation. I can honestly say that I’ve forgiven that person and will forever be grateful for the lessons that I’ve learned through the person that I was. Needy and complacent. Never content and happy.
Timor has given me strength. Strength to go about and do the things which I know I will accomplish—which maybe huge life decisions in the next coming weeks. I am no afraid. I will NEVER GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK THAT I’VE LOST, I will never give up on dreams due to things out of my control, I will never let moments pass me by because of things I can control.
Smiling from ear to ear.
So damn grateful I booked my tickets to this place. Even more grateful that people, including myself, who used to drag me down are being silenced by an inner beauty that I have rediscovered.