Waves crashing

There has been a lot of things happening since I have gotten back from Timor.

Someone asked me today ‘When did you get back?’.
I actually had to look at my calendar because it seems like it’s a near distant thing at times. I responded back ‘Oh, only about 2 1/2 weeks!’

I actually surprised me that it’s only been 2 1/2 weeks since I had the most amazing trip of my life. I would have to sum up my life from Dec 08-July 09 as this

waves crashing violently

I was BANGING my head up against a wall. POUNDING it up against a wall. Honestly, there have been many so journal entries, blog posts, converstations about:

  • How unhappy I was with my weight
  • How I was binging out of control
  • How I hated being alone
  • How I just wasn’t enjoying life

Then I did something for myself…I went to Timor. I threw all of the bullshit that I had been plodding around in my brain for seven months AWAY. I was just me, me with the world. I felt incredibly free. Sicknelingly free. Totally and completely WHOLE.

I came back to Australia, anywhere other than Timor, and fell a bit back into the whole cycle that I had so violently adopted and so helplessly fought against..for so long. I was petrified of becoming the ‘Michelle’ that I was back then. I was frightened that I couldn’t be who I wanted to be, that I wasn’t capable of controlling my eating, my negative thoughts, my intense bouts of loneliness.

I thought I would never get out!

Then it hit me, it hit me this weekend. I went to a palm reader…then I watched Louise Hays video on loving yourself..then I realised that I had so much FREAKING CONTROL AND POWER over my life..that frankly it had been scaring me. I have the choice to live any way that I want to live, I have to choice to exercise, let people into my life, enjoy food, etc.

I HAVE A CHOICE. (that hit me when making these awesome Vegan Peanut Butter Cookies)

There’s been some great articles on some of the blogs that I follow…which I think are important to highlight which spoke to me recently:

I sit and think to myself everyday, thank god that I have honestly found the space in my life to finally feel free from all of the shit that used to hold me back. I am making baby steps. I have Timor in a satchel (I love that world) on my back. It’s going no where…unless I choose to get rid of it.

I feel like this…waves crashing..gently…towards the shore


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