I have decided that after starting a different blog..this is really where I want to be. Sometimes, it’s going away for a bit to realise that you want to come back to it. Read on…but know that it was where I was when I wrote it.
I just wanted to write a little note to say…. Goodbye!
Don’t stress too much, it probably wont be forever.
However, I’ve had a really hard look at things to do with this blog and what it has done for me. It has made me think outside the box, been a history of my highs, lows, inspirations, travels, etc.
However, there’s a lot of pain, a lot of worry, a lot of the Old Michelle wrapped in this blog.
I was telling someone today ‘I am tired of talking about my weight, my weight loss journey, I am more than that. I want to be free from dieting, constantly identifying myself as a dieter.’
The other thing that struck me was this random guy who I met in the grocery store who was looking for salami. He was Croatian, he asked me my number, I gave him my second e-mail address instead…goes to me ‘So, you don’t eat Salami? Is that because you’re on a diet?’
He didn’t say that, I am assuming, because he thinks that I was fat. I think that he said that because he’s a foreigner and every bloody Western woman is ‘watching her weight’
I will most likely have ups and downs with my weight…we all do. However, what I will not put energy into anymore are things like these:
- You will never be small, thin, in a healthy weight range again
- You will most likely always ‘battle with your weight’
- If there’s cookies infront of you and/or if you’re at a party you will most likely binge eat
- When people aren’t around it’s free go for food
- You just have to accept that you’re going to always be a bigger girl
- I have lost weight, so the only reward I can think of is anything with sugar
- I will NEVER be able to give up sugar, gluten or dairy–it’s just TOO HARD!
- You’ll start tomorrow
That is no longer where I AM AT. It’s not a longing to get rid of these mental thoughts, ingrained mentalities…it has become a choice to live a purposeful way. A way in which I surround my conscious and unconscious mind with a marrying of positive thoughts and attitudes. Where I listen to my body, fuel it properly and enough life.
I couldn’t have written these things a year ago. I was living off of frozen meals and sugar free jello. Praying that I would lose the weight so that I’d be thin for someone else. I was in a trance like state of unbelief… “I am actually getting thin”…but not for me. I have gone through hell and back. People at work ask me how I am going and I respond ‘The best I’ve been in a long time’.
Whenever I see people and have a fleeting moment of internal judgement I have learned to stop myself and say ‘Michelle, you have no idea what battles they maybe fighting and/or what they’ve overcome. Who are you to judge?’
I think this goes beyond judging and I put this out to you to think about…as a lasting advice from what this ‘eatingjourney’ has given me:
- Always seek help when you first feel your gut, heart, mind saying ‘I don’t think I have the tools to get through this right now‘–If that’s the blog world, counselling, prayer, vacation–DO IT!
- Listen to your body–I am learning this. It’s a VERY powerful tool, a blessing, the most humblest of forgivers, the most compliant friend you’ll have.
- When the going gets tough create an affirmation ritual–every morning I wake up and list five things I am looking forward to
- Slowly get moving–this has been hard for me. When I feel crap I don’t want to work out. However, WHEN I WAS binging I would write their ridiculous workout routines out and then consciously revolt against them because it was too much and I didn’t like them. Move one day a week for 20 minutes then increase. There’s a lot of crazy fitness fanatics out in the world, especially bloggers. WHO CARES! Do what you can do for you. 🙂
- Love yourself and never EVER let someone doubt YOU!
- Eat something delicious at least once a week where you want to lick the bowl it was created in.
- Write and OpearationBeautiful note and place it somewhere once a week. I swear to you..that you will walk around with a smile on your face.
I want to say Thank You. From the bottom of my healing, smiling, strong heart for all of your encouragement throughout my last year. I know it sounds weird that I am ending this when I have learned so much. However, I think it’s time that I move onto different things. I have learned a tremendous amount about who I am..THROUGH YOU. I am not going to take down this blog, because I don’t want to.
Loves and hugs. Remember that you are beautiful and today is the day to start whatever you’ve been putting off. For now, this girl is loving life. It’s been a journey. Thanks for coming along.
p.s. I am working on a different blog..hahaha. I will let you know when I get things totally sorted. I am so excited. I need your stories though of how you find fulfillment in life, or had an experience of great fulfilment. If so please e-mail me @ firstname.lastname@example.org 🙂