I have debated sharing this post, because sometimes I wonder if things are better left unsaid.
However, I feel like I need to share this with you–this is me.
‘Nicky, do you have five minutes? I need you to sort me out. Hit me over the head.’ I say as I enter the counseling room today at work.
At times it’s great working in the same office as the counselors…sometimes you just need a 5-10 minute debrief with someone who asks the right questions, makes you think and give you the spring back to your step.
‘Yeah, sure I’ve got some time’ Nicky says with a smile on her face.
I sit down in the chair and try to verbalise what is running through my head. I could feel the tears coming on ‘I don’t know Nicky. I am tired, I have a lot going on and when this happens. It’s just that…I am annoyed with my weight. I mean I have a closet full of clothes that I can’t wear or don’t feel good in. I have been trying to be positive about everything, but I am….just…..not happy.’
‘So, what about the situation do you not like?‘ she responds back at me, de-esculating the now running tears on my face
‘It’s just that before when I was binge eating, I was so negative about myself. Now I have spent the past three months trying to get myself into a positive frame of mind…but I am not happy’ I say back defeated..feeling honest with myself though
‘What I am hearing is that cognitively you are positive. However, in your gut you’re not content.’
‘Sometimes, in our mind we can think something. But in our hearts, it’s not the same. There’s a disconnect there and you have to honour that and work through it.’
‘I am not happy with my current weight. But I am scared to admit that, because what if I do and slide down again…down into the depths of hell…the black hole that I have so desperately tried to get out of!‘ I say with a twinge of horror at realising what I am admitting to myself and the terror if having to do so.
‘Well, what weight were you are your lowest? Were you happy? Was it maintainable?’
‘I was 168. No I wasn’t happy. I was starving’ I said
‘What is a good weight for you then, where you felt happy, content, and in a place of maintenance?‘ she says with a pragmatic approach
‘175’ I say back with a sigh of relief. I have just admitted that I am not happy. But I have also let of go of having to be at a weight that was hard for me at the time to maintain, is mentally draining to think about going back to. Instead, I have mentally taken control of weight where I felt good, that I know I can contain. (I am 5’10”)
‘Lets talk about some ways in which you can help get yourself to that place’ she says as she walks over to the whiteboard to help me outline my approach.
I share this story, because I feel that the first and most important part of anything in your life, it to admit to where you honestly are.
What am I truly feeling in my heart?
We talked about methods of listening to my heart, easing my negative thoughts and putting strategies in place for success. However, more about my approach tomorrow, because I want to really think about this conversation.
Have you ever admitted something to yourself before, that sparked a positive change in your life?