While I was down south this weekend I took a bit of time away for myself. I was away from a mobile (cell) phone, the distractions of a man (well lusting after one), away from my blog (tear), away from work.
It was just me chilin’.
It has been a year since I joined WW after a last ditched effort to maintain a 20 lbs weight loss. I had lost over 100lbs by the time of July 09′.
I then started dating a man who said to me ‘I have a problem with your weight’.
Well, being the perfectionist, pleasing, moronic woman who I was at the time, I did WW online and lost that weight, worked out and got down to my birthday weigh-in of 168lbs.
He came back from an trip, before my big weigh-in on my birthday. I remember that day so vividly. I remember him opening the gate and being totally nervous about what he’d think of me. I just wanted him to think that I was good enough. I wanted to be thin.
He said to me ‘wow, you are actually starting to get skinny’.
I went to the WW meetings after this because I had gained about 10lbs back from by birthday weight. I didn’t want to gain any of the weight back that I had lost.
I wanted to stay skinny–for HIM.
It helped me lose the weight and I was about .2lbs away from being at ‘goal’ before I headed home in 08′ for two weeks in America for Thanksgiving. What happened was:
- beginning of binging
- beginning of obsessive thoughts on my weight–to the point that my sister pulled me aside and told me my family was worried about how much I stressed about my weight. I didn’t want to gain weight back for my BF. What would he think?
- beginning of MAJOR health problems.
Through the better half of 09′ I binged and tried to bring myself out of the depths of hell with my body image. This was sparked by the final comment of our official relationship
‘Michelle, my biggest fear is that you’ll gain all (120lbs) of the weight that you have lost’.
I did the best I could to gain it back.
Throughout this whole time I was on WW. I was ‘dieting’. Actually it was good mornings coupled with binging evenings.
I sought counselling, when to Timor, and came back saying: ‘I am never doing an f-ing diet again’.
I will say this, I AM HAPPY WITH WHERE I AM AT.
However, I want to lose this bit of weight for ME, so that I can get back into a healthy-weight range for my height.
For my HEALTH!
For my CONFIDENCE!
For all women who do it for other reasons then health, added happiness and other people.
I don’t blame WW (I did however for a long time, calling it depravity).
I have forgiven my ex.
Now it’s time to be honest with myself: I am ready to start this weight loss journey for myself. So that I can lose that little bit of weight and emotional triggers that have plagued my life for ten months.
I share this journey, because I want to be honest with you as readers. I want to be honest with myself. I am not going on any crazy diet.
What I will do is add to my life a healthy approach to food and an even healthier approach to me..FOR ME!