For Me…

While I was down south this weekend I took a bit of time away for myself. I was away from a mobile (cell) phone, the distractions of a man (well lusting after one), away from my blog (tear), away from work.

It was just me chilin’.

It has been a year since I joined WW after a last ditched effort to maintain a 20 lbs weight loss. I had lost over 100lbs by the time of July 09′.

I then started dating a man who said to me ‘I have a problem with your weight’.

Well, being the perfectionist, pleasing, moronic woman who I was at the time, I did WW online and lost that weight, worked out and got down to my birthday weigh-in of 168lbs.

He came back from an trip, before my big weigh-in on my birthday. I remember that day so vividly. I remember him opening the gate and being totally nervous about what he’d think of me. I just wanted him to think that I was good enough. I wanted to be thin.

He said to me ‘wow, you are actually starting to get skinny’.

validation.

I went to the WW meetings after this because I had gained about 10lbs back from by birthday weight. I didn’t want to gain any of the weight back that I had lost.

I wanted to stay skinny–for HIM.

It helped me lose the weight and I was about .2lbs away from being at ‘goal’ before I headed home in 08′ for two weeks in America for Thanksgiving. What happened was:

  • beginning of binging
  • beginning of obsessive thoughts on my weight–to the point that my sister pulled me aside and told me my family was worried about how much I stressed about my weight. I didn’t want to gain weight back for my BF. What would he think?
  • beginning of MAJOR health problems.

Through the better half of 09′ I binged and tried to bring myself out of the depths of hell with my body image. This was sparked by the final comment of our official relationship

‘Michelle, my biggest fear is that you’ll gain all (120lbs) of the weight that you have lost’.

I did the best I could to gain it back.

Throughout this whole time I was on WW. I was ‘dieting’. Actually it was good mornings coupled with binging evenings.

I sought counselling, when to Timor, and came back saying: ‘I am never doing an f-ing diet again’.

I will say this, I AM HAPPY WITH WHERE I AM AT.

However, I want to lose this bit of weight for ME, so that I can get back into a healthy-weight range for my height.
For my HEALTH!
For my CONFIDENCE!
For all women who do it for other reasons then health, added happiness and other people.

I don’t blame WW (I did however for a long time, calling it depravity).
I have forgiven my ex.

Now it’s time to be honest with myself: I am ready to start this weight loss journey for myself. So that I can lose that little bit of weight and emotional triggers that have plagued my life for ten months.

I share this journey, because I want to be honest with you as readers. I want to be honest with myself. I am not going on any crazy diet.

What I will do is add to my life a healthy approach to food and an even healthier approach to me..FOR ME!

~M

22 thoughts on “For Me…

  1. dailygoods says:

    you are an amazing person. sometimes we sucked into how others view us and view that as more important than how we see ourselves. you are beautiful!

  2. Fitarella says:

    You are awesome! Love that you
    have shared this. I was there
    too. My very 1st BF told me I
    would be so perfect if I lost
    weight, then I would be the
    complete package. JACKASS!!!

  3. Musings of a Housewife says:

    Wow, what a story. And what a jacka$$ you were dating. Glad you got rid of him.

    It’s REALLY hard to get away from the dieting mentality and to form healthy eating habits. Good for you for persevering!

  4. Marsha @ Green Mountain at Fox Run says:

    So sad that this is too common a story today. And has been for a long time. I can relate to every word and I’m much older than you.

    So glad, too, that you have found your way to you. Taking care of you for you. Let me know if I can ever help!

    • Mish says:

      Thank you Marsha…for your words and for stopping by. I sometimes wonder if I should write what I write. I think to myself…maybe someone can benefit.

  5. Ali says:

    YAY! I am so happy for you!
    You are a strong woman facing the same struggles that a lot of women have, but don’t voice. Instead, they keep it bottled up…you are making a statement here, Mish, and I am so proud of you for identifying the need to live and be healthfully FOR YOURSELF. So proud.
    I am definitely doing the same thing at this point…we can do this together- form a united team (if you will)- to eat, live, breathe, love, laugh for us 🙂 Have a great day beautiful!

  6. sisrocks1996 says:

    Only you can want it. No one can want it for you. I’m proud of you for figuring out what you need comes first. It takes people so long when they have disordered eating usually if they figure it out at all. Congrats and I hope with your strength you achieve your goals!

    • Mish says:

      It’s so true about deciding what you want for yourself. It’s incredibly important to ‘put the blinders’ on and only do things for yourself.

  7. Marisa (Trim The Fat) says:

    wow, what a GREAT place you are in right now -mentally. I love that you care about YOU and not about what some effing jerkwad thinks.

    All the best to you, Michelle. You are healthy and strong!!!

    • Mish says:

      Thanks Marisa. The nice thing is that I have forgiven him and moved past it. It’s all part of my journey and I feel like sharing it has helped me and hopefully will reach out to others.

  8. heather says:

    Girl, I am proud of you for being truthful & open & honest with yourself; in your motives, intentions and desires. And for being bold enough to open your heart to your readers. YOUR BRAVERY INSPIRES!!! I KNOW you are ENOUGH for the RIGHT guy and for YOURSELF, too!!

    I love our blogging community for all the support it provides in big life changes, and day to day choices. Please know I am here, routing you on and being inspired by you each day 🙂

    • Mish says:

      Thanks so much Heather. I am constantly inspired by everyone out there..who are even more open and honest then I am. Thanks for posting and thanks for stopping by.

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