Alive Again

I tried to stay away from posting something heavy during this break…I actually said I wasn’t going to.

I have to write about a realisation that I had this week. Actually on 23rd December I had a mini-meltdown which resulted in an early morning phone call to my sister and lots of snot. (I am one of those criers that produces enough snot to kill someone).

What I realised are two things

1. I am SICK of letting weight/body image be my sole focus of happiness

2. I have been living in the past

I have talked enough about number one to kill you, my readers, and myself. I am working on it. I have read some interesting stuff today..but will save that til a later date.  What I really want to focus on is Number 2: Living in the past.

I have written in the past about ‘Being Stuck in Mud‘. I have gone through a lot of emotional examination this year and I am READY to move on. Or…so I feel like in part of my heart. However, the insecure comfortable Michelle wants to still lust in the past.

  • Day dreaming about old crushes, men, relationships
  • Lusting after my body what I used to have
  • Thinking about my old friends who have since moved away

All of this is normal. However, I have been living in the past in the sense that I have used my past woes to hold me back from moving onto the things which I want:

  • Healthy relationship with food (blaming my binging, my ex, my family genetics, my health issues)
  • A man (blaming my weight gain, not being ‘over’ my ex, ‘there aren’t any good guys in Oz’, I am not worthy)
  • Expanding my social network (hiding and spending way too much time online, spending nights eating myself to death)

I have been living in the past as a way to hold myself back from being the above things. It’s been one year and I am 30lbs heavier, 4 shitty dates down with nothing to say for it, and good friends…but still struggling to expand my social network.

I sobbed. Bawled my brains out. THIS IS NOT ME!…and yet this year it HAS been.

I was speaking to my co-worker about this. Living in the past is a security blanket, a fail-proof excuse, a crutch. If I live in the past I don’t have to take full responsibility of the choices which I HAVE made. I can blame my ‘miserable’ state on something/someone other than me.

NOT ANY MORE!

I went to church the next day and the pastor was talking about ‘how to let God take the steering wheel instead of sitting in in the drivers seat. He went on to describe how this choice of ‘handing over the keys’ is the ultimate test of trust, faith, and commitment’. He used an analogy of him being in the passenger seat as a police officer whilst in a high speed chase with his partner at the wheel.

I don’t care if you do or don’t believe in God. What this analogy demonstrates is:

  1. Who is driving your car?
  2. Where are you looking?

I have been trying to drive my car, gripping the wheel…looking behind me for directions trying to go forward. It’s not getting me anywhere. It’s hard to let go of the past. It’s like the holy yoga pants. It’s the old college sweatshirt with one too many fro-yo spills on it. I suppose everything in life, especially your mental focus needs an upgrade.

I am here to say that living in the past isn’t for me anymore, because it isn’t helping get to where I want to be. It’s exhausting me, frustrating me and enabling me to be complacent. I am handing the keys over and reminding myself, that although the rear view is comfortable and one that I know..the beauty up ahead of me is overwhelming and nothing to be afraid of. Further, I deserve to be going ahead. There maybe high mountains, slippery roads…but it’s the journey that is gorgeous. It’s my journey.

The great thing is that I get to enjoy it and don’t have to worry about driving. Just wind in my hair, shades on with no regrets.

Which mirror are you looking in?
Who’s drivin’ your vehicle?

~M

as I posted this..this song was on my i-tunes shuffle…I hope you enjoy

12 thoughts on “Alive Again

  1. Shannon says:

    You are amazing! You already have all of your answers I hope you know that. You are one of those people who can really make a difference. Take what you already know and just do it.
    The past is what it is but the future is whatever you choose it to be. You ARE in control!

  2. MrsFatass says:

    I thought we were sticking to lighthearted TMI?

    Well, I’m glad you didn’t. I love this post, and the thing that is sticking with me (and may end up in my own end of the year wrapup) is where you said you were looking behind you for directions on moving forward.

    That is exactly where I am right now. And that is exactly what is preventing me from breaking through to the next place.

    So. Thanks for that. And you know what? Happy New Year.

  3. Hilda says:

    Well, even if you were living in the past this year, you certainly aren’t now! You’ve quit your job, are moving to a new town and starting a new career. That is living in the now with your eyes on the future!

    That’s alot to be proud of. I did exactly the same thing this year, and I know how scary and stressful all of that is. But as you pointed out, it’s also SO exciting. Glad you’re looking forwards now, and I’m looking forward to seeing where this new direction takes you.

  4. Kim says:

    What a fantastic post! I am going through some similar stuff and have been having a really hard time keeping the faith. Your post came at just the right time and I will keep contemplating what you’ve said.

    I really admire you for being so open and honest. It’s helpful to others and it shows your strength.

    You are doing great!

  5. missyrayn says:

    I actually wrote a similar sermon right before Christmas. It is so true that we all (even me as a pastor) want to drive our own cars and forget that we get places a lot better if we give over the wheel to the one who knows the roads better.

    I’m so proud of you for covering this on your blog and moving forward.

  6. Rachel @ Shedding It says:

    I COMPLETELY understand what you mean about #2. I would think so much about how skinny I was senior year of college and all the guys I was still hung up on from that time. It was TORTURING me and causing so many problems in all my new relationship opportunities. Finally I realized, Rachel, you are turning 25 this year. It is no longer acceptable to be carrying baggage from SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE. I realized that even if those things had gone differently, I’d probably still be single now, and I realized I had to move the F on. I gave myself a deadline: Dec 31, 2009. I could wallow and overanalyze and come 2010, everything stays in the past. I told my friends so they can shut me down if I start to whine about certain guys.

    And I have to say…I’m in ahead of schedule!! I confronted all of it, each in its own way, owned it, and MOVED ON. And (of f*cking course), the second I did that, I could suddenly control my emotional eating and I met someone amazing.

    2010 is going to be amazing; I’m very glad you’re happily looking ahead toward it now too!! xx

  7. All Women Stalker says:

    I am well-aware of how it is to live in the past. It sucks. I’m glad that you have surrendered yourself to Him and can now start living in the present.

    I stopped being religious a couple of years ago. I am now more spiritual, I guess. I believe that I am the captain of my own ship. I am looking out of the windshield and facing everything with eyes wide open.

    -Denise

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