Do you swear to tell the whole truth?

Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth, so help you God?

Umm…can I think about it?

I have been debating writing this post…because there are sometimes when really…I don’t want to whine, bitch, complain, admit that I slipped. Who really does want to raise their right hand and admit that they failed didn’t do exactly what needed to be done?

I Started off with this


Even after this post and this one….it still had power over me yesterday. My friend had it at her house and I stepped on it. I had avoided it before when at her house, but this time since my jeans were feeling a bit loser and my tummy was a bit flatter I needed wanted desired the validation crack of knowing that I was less.

Well, I don’t know if I had lost any weight, cause I had eaten and had clothes, but the number was higher than I envisioned. Then I had do to the whole justification game…ever done that before:

  • You’ve eaten so take 2-3lbs off
  • You have clothes on so take 1lbs off
  • You haven’t had your period so take .5lbs off
  • Then it isn’t that bad—GOOD GIRL

Well I got validated for about half-second.

Then I came home after an outing and went to the cafeteria. Now for the most part I have been ‘good’ with my eating. I use the word good loosely, because I seems elementary and worthy of a gold star. However, last night was when the deprivation of the Yeastball diet was kicking in.

I should know that a lot of my binging is surrounded and rooted in either: loneliness or the sense of deprivation. That is why when we listen to our bodies and filll it will  healthy food and forget dieting..this instigator of deprivation ceases. However, with Yeastball I have gotten my head into this really shitty space that is laden with deprivation. Dripping and suffocating in it. It is a binge producer.

I started off with this, and then a another of this

In my head it’s a no-no right now because of my Yeastball diet. However, when I tell myself NO…I just want it more. I ONLY see the things I can’t eat whenever I go to eat.

  • Gluten laden cereal
  • Fruit juice
  • Hot chocolate
  • FRUIT–never thought I’d put that on a list
  • Ice cream

And then I got into ‘But tomorrow I’ll start’ mode and shoved my face into ice cream.


So two huge fruit salad bowls later and four scoops of ice cream, I felt mentally defeated. And that…my friends is when the binge monster tries to wage it’s war.

  • Have one more scoop, wait til no one is watching.
  • Tell people that you’re giving it up tomorrow, when you go back for your second, third, millionth serving
  • Find sugar in your house, make pancakes, find chocolate
  • Get in your car and go to fast food cause the stores are closed
  • FIND FOOD NOW

THEN I STOPPED. I went to yogadownload.com and put on an hour yoga session.


I cried for the first couple of minutes, because I gave myself the space to actually SIT with the emotions that I was feeling. Disappointment. Deprivation. Annoyance. Failure. Is this ever going to end? Then I gathered my composure and sweat through it. I have never done that many chaturungas and lunges in my life. Yeah my body was tired. But you know what..if felt amazing. Amazing to bring myself to a place where I couldn’t selfishly indulge in wallowing feelings of self-doubt and pity.

I warriored through it.

What do you do when you need to ‘snap out of it’?


22 thoughts on “Do you swear to tell the whole truth?

  1. decapode says:

    Aw, I hope you’re feeling a lot better now. I’m very bad when it comes to being down, ’cause when I’m first down I don’t bother to do anything about it. Yoga is great though. Maybe I should try that.

  2. gemfit says:

    As usual, I start my comment off with DON’T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF but well done for changing your mindset and going with the yoga.

    Exercise is my way of snapping out of it too – working up a sweat, either by serious walking, running or weights gets the frustration out so quickly. Whether it’s frustration at myself or at other people or just situations, when I’m focusing on my body moving, it recedes from the front of my mind.

    Last night, I was frustrated at my inability to ask for help and insist that my boy drive me into town for a bookclub meeting. I was frustrated that he didn’t want to drive me in.

    So I set out and I walked 45 mins there. It was raining on and off and I was grumbling. By the time I got there, I was fine, no longer angry or upset. Plus I walked home as well and got some good heart pumping exercise on a day that I was sure was going to be exercise free!

    (sorry for the ramble)

  3. Voice in Recovery says:

    I just wanted to say I read this and thought YES!!!! Sometimes things get rough, we struggle, and it is often so hard to admit and share the honest truth about how we approached the struggle. I think this is a great inspirational post that shows us no matter what – we may slip and slip but it matters more that we bounce, stand, or crawl back from the struggle. I shared this on my FB page because I think it shows that in life – as in recovery – we are faced with feelings, and it is OK. Struggles do not define us. It matters more that we learn to feel our feelings and be honest about how we bounced – to help show others its all about progress not perfection. So thank you for this. I know I personally feel less alone. 🙂

  4. DocBera says:

    Your honesty is refreshing. I’ve also been sitting on my tush here at the computer for way too many hours and will be getting up to jump on my rebounder since it’s raining/snowing outside and too cold to take the pups walking. All thanks to you!

    Don’t beat yourself up for giving in to the junk. Each day is a new day and a new start & you do have to remember that moderation is the key to keeping balanced and in health.

    Also, learning all about your health choices before you’re ever diagnosed with something ‘deadly’ and you feel backed up against a wall with no options other than what your medical doctors offer you is such a wise choice. Being in that boat once I was lucky enough to be led to a holistic doctor who taught me that my health decline was my responsibility and that I had driven myself to my poor state of health. I took responsibility and changed my habits and as a result am here to talk about it.

    When I learned that we truly are what we eat, I was bummed, because the ice cream you mentioned above was my mainstay. Give me ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I was a happy girl. Until that rather absurd diet nearly killed me…………….. live and learn, eh?

    If you’re searching for better health through organic chemistry, rather than through synthetics offered by our modern American medical protocols, let me know if I can be of service to you. Lots of articles at http://www.bastis.org can guide you if you’re looking for help.

    All best to you,
    DocBera

  5. love2eatinpa says:

    my gosh, is there anything in the world that compares to a good, cleansing cry? it helps you to re-center yourself and re-focus.
    you had the cry, got to business with your workout and then you were good to go.
    no sense in looking back, you’re human and it’s behind you now. in hindisight, no real harm done, right?

  6. Tasha - The Clean Eating Mama says:

    I agree with love2eatinpa – a good cry does wonders!
    I am so sorry that you are feeling down, hun! I have been there and i know exactly what you are feeling! Don’t look at what the scale says – go by how you feel!

  7. Marlena says:

    Whenever I feel down about myself or the choices I’ve made, I do a few things:

    ~go to WW.com & read the message boards for inspiration or comment about my struggles; I usually get great feedback from other members!

    ~I tweet about it & rely on my tweeps to pull me thru

    ~I read healthy-living blogs & see that I’m not alone on this journey called health. Some days there are feelings I have that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with others because they don’t know what it’s like to have these struggles. The struggles are all mind games, of course, my brain telling me that I MUST

    • Marlena says:

      (sorry…)

      that I MUST have food or that I’m a complete failure for doing something (or not doing something), or I must be fat because I have a muffintop or the treadmill bounces back & forth as I run….

      I can’t tell that to anyone else who doesn’t know what it’s like to struggle with those feelings. Soooo…I turn to others who do, like you & so many other bloggers who make me feel that I’m not alone in this healthy-living journey.

      • Marlena says:

        Oh…& another thing…instead of waiting ’til “tomorrow” to get back on track (‘cuz we all know that tomorrow never comes), make your NEXT meal a better meal. So if you do great at breakfast but have a crap-fest at lunch, make dinner BETTER. Don’t throw in the towel & say, “Oh well, I ruined my day. Might as well eat everything else in sight.”

        This was something one of my former WW leaders used to say. It’s something I do to this day.

      • Mish says:

        Thank you for all of your awesome comments. They have been helpful and they are quick/easy/important reminders for all of us no matter if it’s food or not that we struggle with. Thanks for stopping by.

  8. Chloe @ Project Live Well says:

    Kudos to you for this post – I really respect your honesty. Please know that you are not alone! I think many many women struggle with exactly what you have described. It is hard!

    You are strong & will get right back on track!!!

    LOVE your blog – will be following and commenting 😉

    Chloe

  9. All Women Stalker says:

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s hard, I know. But I hope that you take each new day as it comes. It’s a chance for a new start.

    As for me, when I need to snap out of it, I drink tons of water and run my a$$ off. That’s what I do. Or do Yoga. Or Pilates.

  10. Marisa (Loser for Life) says:

    Dang that friggin scale! Why does it have so much power? We’re not gonna let it beat us, M! We’re gonna get to a place one day when that NUMBER means NOTHING.

    Glad you were able to release some of your emotion. Hope you’re better today 😀

    • Mish says:

      It’s nice to know that I am not the only one that the scale likes to eat up mentally. But we’re both overcoming and being able to share the journey w/ someone like you is why I blog. Thank you.

  11. eaternotarunner says:

    Good for you for snapping out of it, I find it really hard to not binge when I’m in that mindset!

    I am the same way, cereal and ice cream! Glad you did the yoga and felt so much better, I will definitely try that next time.

  12. missyrayn says:

    Recognizing that you did this is a way to move forward. I used to play those mind games with myself all the time. Now I step on the scale and use it as a tool instead of a validation. I look at the number and think of what I’ve eaten.

    YOu don’t need to punish yourself just because you weren’t perfect with what you set out to do. You aren’t perfect and no one …not even GOD… expects you to be perfect.

  13. Deanna says:

    I just started reading your blog awhile ago. I can understand about the binging for sure. It is something I struggle with from time to time. I noticed over the past while that you’ve been referring to the yeastball diet but never clicked the link. One of the reasons I love your blog so much is because you really seem to approach nutrition and fitness from a lifestyle angle – willing to work out the best combination of knowledge that works in your life – that can be sustainable.

    I guess that is way I’m surprised to find that you would try a diet that excluded a whole food group from your diet. I am mostly a weightwatchers girl, but I have also tried south beach and tracking calories. I have never bought into diets that exclude fruit (with the exception on the first few weeks of south beach). I don’t know about you – but the reason I carry an extra 30 – 40 pounds is not because I eat too much fruit – although I can relate to the ice cream being a bit of a contributor :o)

    Maybe if you gave yourself more permission to that the occasional fruit bowl. Never feel bad about eating fruit – it’s so, so good for you. I eat 2 – 3 servings a day and then 3-4 servings of veggies a day now that I’m focusing on eating healthy. I budget in the occasional dessert on a bi-weekly basis. This has seemed to keep my binge monster away for the last 6 weeks and I’ve lost 12.2 pounds.

    • Mish says:

      I agree totally with what you’re saying. The reason that I have yeastball up there is actually becuase it’s what is happening inside of my intestines. For those who have it hardcore eliminating sugar full stop is what has to be done otherwise the adverse affects–in my case leaky gut and extreme fatigue is what happens to me. If I don’t control and acknowledge the level of fruit and/or sugar that I am eating it just increases. So it’s something that I have to monitor.

      I do agree w/ you that saying NO to it totally makes me want it more—hello binge monster. Thus, I am really focusing on ‘Michelle is this going to make you feel good in the next hour tomorrow. Is this going to allow you to run withouth having to worry if there’s a toliet around?’. Thank you for writing this and thank you for popping by.

      • Deanna says:

        Gottcha! Didn’t know about the health issue. I think your strategy of asking yourself how it will make you feel later is a good one. I have another friend who has digestion issues and she uses the same strategy. She loves ice cream, but she pays for it pretty bad if she has it.

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