I have struggled my whole life with selling myself short…have you?
When I was growing up, if I didn’t get an A+ I was bummed.
When I was a teenager, I needed everyone to like me.
I don’t like have enemies.
I care too much about what people think of me.
I lost weight for someone else, because they didn’t think I was enough.
When I was heavy in high school I didn’t think that I could find anyone that would date me. So I fell into the ‘social butterfly’, ‘friend’ role for much of my time.
When I started losing weight in college I knew that there was a confident person inside of me and boys/life started to open up for me. I started to find my beauty and BELIEVE that I was a pretty person.
The sad truth, is that even when I was my lowest weight, I was probably more insecure about who I was physically then at any other point in my life. It’s true that weight can give you confidence. However, if you’re not doing it for you–weight loss is the most isolating and morally draining thing you can put yourself through. I didn’t believe that I deserved to be at that weight. I honestly thought that the only way I was going to make people in my life happy was to be as thin as I could. I was selling my soul short.
Flash forward to this weekend when it happened again..and I didn’t even know what I was doing!
Kim asks me ‘so what type of guy would you like to date Michelle?’
I sat and thought about it. I go ‘someone who is quirky, healthy, family focused, honest, open, intelligent, strong and TALL’
See looks at me and goes ‘You should date a triathlete.’
I sit there and the first thing out of my mouth was ‘I am NOT the type of woman that a triathlete would be attracted to’ as I highlighted my body.
I STOPPED IN MY TRACKS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
Today I went to my training appointment at my new gym with MJ. We did this fitness assessment on the bike and MJ goes ‘I have never placed a woman at the level that you’re at.’ I was floored, me. ME. I was a 4 out of 5 on the fitness level?
As I am standing there with my shirt off I go ‘Sorry you have to look at my white, flabby stomach.’
She says back ‘You know you’re a lot fitter than you think. You need to give yourself credit for what you’ve accomplished.’
Not to hash old wounds, but 2009 was the year when I sold my soul to others. When I was telling MJ about why I wanted to come to the gym and my journey I started crying on her. (yes one of those who cry on their trainer at the gym.)
Crying because I still have the deep-seated wounds of not being what I think I should be for someone else.
Crying because I want to be released from the critical nature that has engulfed parts of my subconscious.
Crying because I am seeing a glimmer of hope and beauty in me.
How have you sold yourself short?