I love that every day I am accomplishing new things, things that I never though I’d be capable of doing. And that has helped me love myself a bit more, because selflove is not really something I’ve felt deserving of before. It’s all very much a work in progress, but it is progressing, and that is quite awesome to me 🙂
Have I got a story for you!
My parents got divorced when I was four.
Throughout my childhood my Dad used to make milkshakes for us..it was a treat. It was how we bonded. It was the escape from the divorce, weekends at Mom’s house, the confusion about what was going on and the pain that my parents were going through.
We always stopped by the ‘7-11’ for a fudgesicle. Food was never something that we couldn’t have. In fact food was the release in my family.
I never really enjoyed food, I always enjoyed it cause it took me away from things. This is something which I took throughout my life. It never nourished my aching heart, it never made me feel happy.
For eight years I vasulated between ‘being good’ and ‘taking a break’ because it was exhausting. However, after taking breaks I would always go back to dieting because ‘that’s what I knew’. Really, it was because I didn’t trust myself to listen to my body.
I always felt I needed to be dieting. I felt validated.
One relationship took pretty much everything away from me. I ended it with no sense of self, no sense that even dieting could validate me anymore..because I didn’t keep them in my life.
Food, once again became my release.
Blogging, has now become my release. You see, what has hit me and what I’ve thought about a lot..is that blogging is like dieting in some ways. The number of views on my page–validation. The number of comments–validation.
Dieting, blogging, talking about my past, wallowing—is my only ‘passion’/’identity’ that I’ve really developed.
All of these things have been a part of who I am. However, for the past four weeks of meeting new people in my new job..something hit me…this is all I talk about: ‘Have you seen Food Inc., I can’t believe American food, I am Vegan, I have lost weight, but I still struggle, you should drink green tea’…I have realised that my whole intrinsic sense of self is wrapped/warped around food.
What I have discovered is that I want to become a woman who has passions which are healthy, varied and balanced. Where my light shines. Where it’s not about my inner-thigh fat. If I did or didn’t exercise. If I did or didn’t binge.
I may go back to food as a passion–it always will be. However, it’s with an appreciation for what it tastes like, it’s beauty, etc. Not for calories, -or-lack their of, making cupcake with grainy protein powder, etc. It’s about finding a relationship with food which isn’t selfish and restrictive. Rather adoring and appreciative.
What I have noticed is that currently, my successes are around being good with food and exercise. What about that fact that I am running a residential college and developing new student leaders? Taking the plunge and becoming a nurse? Maintaining an approach to dating and sexuality that is healthy for me? Developing my faith?
Nope..none of that is currently as important as me ‘being good’ to food/exercise.
I am a food/diet/weight loss blogger.
But that’s all that I am.
What hit me after writing this to ‘milkshake’ is that dieting/weight loss/food abusive relationships are many times the thing that we identify with. It’s the SOLE and ONLY way that we appreciate, validate, and hold ourselves back.
If you’re on a weightloss journey, do you feel that it’s becoming more and more you’re only focus?
If you’ve reached goal, is it still your only focus?
Do you have passion/identity outside of weight/weight loss/dieting/exercising?