Thank you for all of your responses regarding me ending EJ…which will be this Sunday. These next couple of days I am going to be as honest as I’ve ever been. I am going to get it all out there. Feast on this kids 🙂 To say that I am sad that perhaps there isn’t going to be this platform for me to be honest with myself, mostly, and you as well is a bit weird. But I know it’s right. If you have a question you’d still like to ask…ask away..you’ve got four days!
I have to admit something to you. I have been bingeing. In a weird f-ed up way, I have been totally caught up in this over-eating/bingeing cycle at night. I am NOT listening to my body. I am NOT enjoying being satisfied. I want to be stuffed. Stuffed to my gourd. Wake-up with a totally upset tummy.
In fact, I can’t remember the last night I woke up without feeling bloated, went to bed without feeling stuffed.
However, last night I had enough of this shit.
I took everything and I mean everything from my house and throw it away. The frozen muffins, cookies, etc. I throw away the granola bars. The cheddar covered rice crackers.
It’s all in a bag.
I have NEVER EVER done that before. I have thrown away the pan of brownies that I had eaten half off. I have thrown up the 1/2 of blueberry bread batter that I had eaten. But I have NEVER taken control of a situation, demanded that I be accountable, and found peace in putting my food down.
What happened last night is the release of the old me. In some weird twisted way, I am sad to say this, I feel like I am still STILL stuck in the old. Finding comfort in old patterns/habits/personal expectations of behaviour.
However, last night I honestly, in my gut—not in a moment of frivolous desperation or lust—, decided that I’ve had enough of this bullshit that I put myself through.
I may binge again. But you know what…I don’t think that I will. I am convicted beyond measure. The quite, unshakable calm is reigning over me.
When have you put your food down?