I put my foot down & threw them all away

Thank you for all of your responses regarding me ending EJ…which will be this Sunday. These next couple of days I am going to be as honest as I’ve ever been. I am going to get it all out there. Feast on this kids 🙂 To say that I am sad that perhaps there isn’t going to be this platform for me to be honest with myself, mostly, and you as well is a bit weird. But I know it’s right. If you have a question you’d still like to ask…ask away..you’ve got four days!

I have to admit something to you. I have been bingeing. In a weird f-ed up way, I have been totally caught up in this over-eating/bingeing cycle at night. I am NOT listening to my body. I am NOT enjoying being satisfied. I want to be stuffed. Stuffed to my gourd. Wake-up with a totally upset tummy.

In fact, I can’t remember the last night I woke up without feeling bloated, went to bed without feeling stuffed.

However, last night I had enough of this shit.

I took everything and I mean everything from my house and throw it away. The frozen muffins, cookies, etc. I throw away the granola bars. The cheddar covered rice crackers.

It’s all in a bag.

I have NEVER EVER done that before. I have thrown away the pan of brownies that I had eaten half off. I have thrown up the 1/2 of blueberry bread batter that I had eaten. But I have NEVER taken control of a situation, demanded that I be accountable, and found peace in putting my food down.

What happened last night is the release of the old me. In some weird twisted way, I am sad to say this, I feel like I am still STILL stuck in the old. Finding comfort in old patterns/habits/personal expectations of behaviour.

However, last night I honestly, in my gut—not in a moment of frivolous desperation or lust—, decided that I’ve had enough of this bullshit that I put myself through.

I may binge again. But you know what…I don’t think that I will. I am convicted beyond measure. The quite, unshakable calm is reigning over me.

When have you put your food down?

~M

11 thoughts on “I put my foot down & threw them all away

  1. missyrayn says:

    I would binge on the “healthy” treats I brought into the house and just had to get rid of them. And when my MIL sent fudge I binged on it and got really sick so I had Hunni hide them. I just can’t be around that stuff without a lock and key involved. And for now I’m okay with that fact. I know my limits.

    (((((((((Mish))))))))) Take care of you and feed your soul chica.

  2. eaternotarunner says:

    Bingeing is one of the hardest things to overcome. Good for you for taking control, I’ve definitely been there and thrown out everything tempting around. Sometimes it just has to be done!

  3. Marisa (Loser for Life) says:

    Mish, I think you are so brave. Really, you are taking this new way of “being” by the horns. You will have ups and you will have downs, but you have THE BALLS to stick with this journey and keep working on setting yourself free from it all. It is hard, hard work and not everyone has the guts to do it (me, included). You are strong and amazing!

  4. love2eatinpa says:

    we’ve all been there, michelle. you are making a huge change with ditching the blog. change = stress –> bingeing. kudos to you for saying “enough” and getting rid of it. start fresh. tomorrow is a new day.

    once a binge-eater, sadly, it is always there lurking to get you at your weak moments. sometimes we are strong enough to beat the binge monster back down, but sometimes your body demands otherwise.

    your awareness is amazing and you are growing in leaps and bounds. trust in yourself that you can beat this thing. you are strong and powerful, the food is not.

  5. Lisa says:

    Congrats on taking those first steps – being HONEST and making the CHOICE 🙂 Just know that there are a lot of people on your side, and I just know you will come out of this smiling and stronger than ever 🙂

  6. MizFit says:

    for me the quite unshakable calm arrived when it was no longer about how I looked AT ALL .
    no longer about the vessel for me but honestly (as Id given this idea lipservice before) about the insides and life.

    and the thing you surmised in your email to me? I THOUGHT YOU KNEW THAT 🙂

    message later…but yes.

  7. Lara (Thinspired) says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this, Michelle. Brave. You are so brave. For doing that, for writing this, for everything.
    Here is the scary thing, and please, please tell me if you have ever related to this: sometimes when I am in that uncontrollable, mindless eating mode, I don’t *want* to be stopped. Sometimes I think, “I should call someone, I should go for a walk,” and it shocks me how quickly I can wipe the thought from my head. In that moment, I THINK it’s actually what I want. That is the scariest thing for me.

    • Mish says:

      Damn woman…I love this…and it’s SO damn true. I have never written about this before..and perhaps I will tonight.

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