I am exhausted.
A shrinking violet.
Stuffed with VEGAN food. As you know I have vowed February as Vegan month. I haven’t really been talking about food, much. I have screwed up only four times in the past 25 days. Ok..so that’s about an 80% rate. I’ll take it. I think it’s MUCH more mental then it is physical lusting after meat. Each time I eat meat I feel sick…I think of the poor animals in sub-standard conditions. I immediately feel guilty.
My friend Sarah invited me over for a vegan feast. Oh.My.VEGAN..it was amazing.
Vegan pizza, all kinda you can imagine.
Then a Espresso ‘Cream Cheese’ Cake w/ Cashew Cream topping. God Lord, I loved it. I even have a piece sitting in my fridge. Patiently waiting for me to eat it with a deep appreciation for it’s heavinlyness.
It was pretty funny cause we are sitting there eating vegan food and watching Ultimate Fighting. Hilarious. I grew up with a Dad who LOVED to watch boxing. Ultimate fighting is a WHOLE other level.
I looked over at Sarah and mentioned that sometimes I feel like I am in a cage with food/bingeing/dieting/body image issues etc. However, I feel like the fight just isn’t worth it anymore. As I have written before I had a relationship which distorted my body image/relationship with food/self-esteem. There is a potential man on the radar and I made a commitment to myself: To not let the issues of body image, food, weight be the central and f-ed up focus on any other relationship. I don’t want to be thinking about my weight while I am dating someone.
There have been moments throughout the early stage of this ‘courtship’ and others when I’ve aced myself out of the fight, succumb to the beating of negative self-talk. I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, slender enough, etc. It’s SO damaging.
All of this had my reflecting on a piece written by Gena today
While I battled disordered eating, this urge was an enormous part of my illness. I’m often asked if what I wanted from the disorder was to be thin. The answer, naturally, is yes: of course thinness is what I wanted. But it was, in retrospect, only a surprisingly small part of what I wanted. When I look back on those years, I see that a lot of what I wanted was to quash my own needs. Overcoming this–connecting with my hunger for food, for sex, for vitality, for physicality–took a long time. Being able to declare to myself and to others that I not only needed to eat, but to eat–and all that eating implied–demanded that I overcome a great deal of unconscious shame.
If you’re fighting with food/dieting/bingeing/disordered eating….what is outside of the cage that you’re not feeding?