Ultimate Cage Fighting

I am exhausted.

A shrinking violet.

Stuffed with VEGAN food. As you know I have vowed February as Vegan month. I haven’t really been talking about food, much. I have screwed up only four times in the past 25 days. Ok..so that’s about an 80% rate. I’ll take it. I think it’s MUCH more mental then it is physical lusting after meat. Each time I eat meat I feel sick…I think of the poor animals in sub-standard conditions. I immediately feel guilty.

My friend Sarah invited me over for a vegan feast. Oh.My.VEGAN..it was amazing.

Vegan pizza, all kinda you can imagine.

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Then a Espresso ‘Cream Cheese’ Cake w/ Cashew Cream topping. God Lord, I loved it. I even have a piece sitting in my fridge. Patiently waiting for me to eat it with a deep appreciation for it’s heavinlyness.

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It was pretty funny cause we are sitting there eating vegan food and watching Ultimate Fighting. Hilarious. I grew up with a Dad who LOVED to watch boxing. Ultimate fighting is a WHOLE other level.

I looked over at Sarah and mentioned that sometimes I feel like I am in a cage with food/bingeing/dieting/body image issues etc. However, I feel like the fight just isn’t worth it anymore. As I have written before I had a relationship which distorted my body image/relationship with food/self-esteem. There is a potential man on the radar and I made a commitment to myself: To not let the issues of body image, food, weight be the central and f-ed up focus on any other relationship. I don’t want to be thinking about my weight while I am dating someone.

There have been moments throughout the early stage of this ‘courtship’ and others when I’ve aced myself out of the fight, succumb to the beating of negative self-talk. I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, slender enough, etc. It’s SO damaging.

All of this had my reflecting on a piece written by Gena today

While I battled disordered eating, this urge was an enormous part of my illness. I’m often asked if what I wanted from the disorder was to be thin. The answer, naturally, is yes: of course thinness is what I wanted. But it was, in retrospect, only a surprisingly small part of what I wanted. When I look back on those years, I see that a lot of what I wanted was to quash my own needs. Overcoming this–connecting with my hunger for food, for sex, for vitality, for physicality–took a long time. Being able to declare to myself and to others that I not only needed to eat, but wanted to eat–and all that eating implied–demanded that I overcome a great deal of unconscious shame.

If you’re fighting with food/dieting/bingeing/disordered eating….what is outside of the cage that you’re not feeding?

~M

3 thoughts on “Ultimate Cage Fighting

  1. love2eatinpa says:

    as always, michelle, a very thought provoking question. (I’m gonna miss those!)
    i honestly don’t know what i’m fighting, but i’m sure it’s something. i need to figure it out.

  2. RNegade says:

    Once in awhile, I fight the desire to be thin.

    Being thin seems to represent to the world that I am emotionally together and physically fit. When, in reality, for me to become (and remain) thin requires that I adopt an obsessive-compulsive mindset (either counting food units, obsessing about eating/not eating, exercising excessively and/or repeating the serenity prayer ad naseum), a form of internalized oppression, isolation and avoidance of *reality* (living here and now). Becoming thin would also put me at risk for a host of illnesses and injuries.

    So. What other people, in general, tend to reward me for is actually not in my own best interest.

    On the other hand, by REWARD I mean everything from treating more politely to giving me more opportunities for career advancement and higher pay in the workplace. And yet…those rewards are in my own best interest.

    See my dilemma?

    The irony is quite rich, no? 🙂

    (Please note: It’s not healthy for me, personally, to be thin or to aspire to being thin. I also know that being thin is fine and normal for many folks. Who are not me.)

    Thus, I have concluded that it is sane and rational for me to experience/fight the desire to be thin, occasionally, as long as I don’t act on that desire. Being treated better by people who don’t know me and making more money are not better rewards than feeling at peace with myself.

  3. Sarah says:

    In relation to Gena’s post, when I was anorexic, then bulimic, then well, now just plain disordered…it was never really about thinness (or it was a very small part) for me either. It was about control. And whenever other things in my life feel outside my control, the urge to binge, starve, compulsively exercise, etc. returns. When I can’t help a friend in need (or, more recently, a fiance), that’s when the urge is the worst.

    Outside the cage, the thing I’m not feeding enough is my volunteer commitments, on a purely pragmatic level. On a more philosophical level, the thing I am not doing because I am stuck inside my head is to look outside myself, get some perspective, and appreciate what I have in life….and help those things (i.e. people, animals and ecosystems) that aren’t so lucky.

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