Today I love my body, even though it is so sore from working and covered in mosquito bites. I love that it’s tough, and so rarely lets me down no matter how much I ask. I love that as I learn to listen to it better, it responds with equal love and nurture. I love that learning to take care of it isn’t as difficult as it once was, and I love this newfound relationship is more about feeling good than punishing it for its cravings. I love that learning to eat food in moderation means that I can have chocolate cake without guilt, and I love the feeling of my stomach being satisfied without being weighed down and stuffed beyond reason.
I am a compulsive overeater.
I ate because something in my brain told me I needed to eat everything. If it was gone I would be fine. So I ate all the food without thinking of the calories or caring much what it was or what it did to me. I was obsessed with food and knew it had to disappear for me to clear my mind. So I often ended up getting rid of it by eating it. I ate because quite frankly I couldn’t stop thinking about the food. I knew that once it was gone I couldn’t think about it because it wouldn’t be there to torture me with it’s existence.
As she stated in the post, she wanted to cry…and so did I.
I don’t want to admit that I am a compulsive overeater. Hello, my name is Michelle..and I am a compulsive overeater.
If you leave me alone after an hour of telling myself ‘No’ to the desserts, I will more than likely take ‘samples’ of as many things as I can. Simply stating that ‘it was so good, I had to have one more little bite’
If left with left-overs from the party of the night before, I will most likely eat them the same night, even if I am not hungry or for breakfast as quickly as I can.
It’s as though food talks to me. Well, the food/binge monster in my brain. I suppose it’s similar in many ways to having a mental illnesses where voices honestly do tell you to do things.
Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous. This series of questions may help you determine if you are a compulsive eater.
- Do you eat when you’re not hungry? —YES
- Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? —YES
- Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? —YES
- Do you give too much time and thought to food? —YES
- Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? —NO
- Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? —SOMETIMES
- Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? —YES
- Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? —YES
- Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? —YES
- Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating? —NO
- Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish? —NO
- Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime? —NO
- Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble? —YES
- Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? —NO
- Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy? —YES
Have you answered yes to three or more of these questions? If so, it is probable that you have or are well on your way to having a compulsive eating problem.
9/15 — YES and 1 sometimes. That’s 10/15…66.6% 2/3..
It’s a very VERY sobering to say….I have a problem with food. Me and food have a very fucked up relationship. But, can I say something..something that hit me today…
I FEEL FREE. It’s like I’ve admitted where I am. I have given myself a tool, a label, a strategy and approach that makes sense. I suppose sometimes the whole process that I’ve gone through has been one of self-discovery and self-admittance.
Since doing the quiz..and trying to ignore the results..and then reading through Mary’s post…I am ok with it all. What’s even more amazing is the concious level that I am able to process the thoughts that I have EVERYDAY when it comes to food.
Example: I have left-over pizza in my fridge and cheesecake
- ‘Michelle, just eat it…even if it makes you sick. It’s gonna get soggy. You deserve it. You’ll work out double time tonight for the cheescake and pizza if you eat it today. You’ll eat a small dinner.’
- Spend HOURS trying to silence those thoughts.
- Then binge.
- Feel terrible.
- Workout out of obligation and try to start over tommorrow.
With this new awareness
- ‘Michelle, just eat it…even if it makes you sick.”
- I don’t want to interfere with my cardio workout, so it’s not worth it.
- It’s gonna get soggy.
- It was so good, and you know what..if it get’s soggy that’s ok. If it doesn’t get soggy..it’s not going anywhere and I can have it later today and/or tomorrow.
- You deserve it.
- That’s really not how I am going to look at food.
- You’ll work out double time tonight for the cheesecake and pizza if you eat it today.
- I will no longer punish myself with working out.
- You’ll eat a small dinner.
- Bullshit I am going out to Chinese food. And you know what? I will choose something that is reasonable. You, little binge monster…won’t be able to make an appearance there either.
It’s amazing HOW much I think about food. To be totally honest, it’s exhausting. As Mary wrote, it’s hard to tell people what it’s like to have this constant conversation in your mind.
My name is Michelle. I am a newly self-identified compulsive overeater…but I am free with knowing that it’s not all that I am AND that I feel more strength to overcome this than I have felt ever.