Intimacy

I was reading People.com today (because let’s be honest, when I realised that I could get wireless internet in the library, I knew that maintaining a committed study regime was out the window). Anyways, I came across this interview with Lady Gaga: ‘Lady Gaga Tells Fans: ‘Don’t Have Sex’.

Lady Gaga is quoted as saying:

“I can’t believe I’m saying this – don’t have sex,” Gaga said in England, where she is promoting MAC’s Viva Glam Campaign to fight AIDS. “It’s okay not to have sex, it’s okay to get to know people,” she says. “I’m celibate, celibacy’s fine.”

“It’s cooler to be strong and independent.”

Without going to deep into my NOT deep sexual history, I’d have to say that intimacy for me is one that I have struggled with. When I say intimacy I put it even beyond sex. Cuddling, talking, opening up, looking at someone as the person they are, feeling as though I am worthy.

Throughout the past 1+year I have had to really dig deep into my little soul and ask myself some tough questions. I had to become intimate with myself.

I had to get down and dirty with the emotional baggage that was causing me to binge eat, to shut people out, to focus my attention on people who did nothing but drag me down.

I think it’s really scary to write this, but I have never had a romantic relationship/encounter where I have felt totally intimate with someone. I have had flings, a steady relationship etc. However, I have never allowed myself to be full engaged in any of those situations. I’ve been naked, had ‘intimate’ moments with people. But there are literally a handful of times where I can remember being in the moment. In that, there are moments throughout my life, when I wasn’t naked…ie in a beautiful place, where I have robbed the situation of intimacy because my mind was wandering somewhere else.

There are many times when I have been reading through blogs, in fact Mary’s, Ryan’s and Karena’s today, where the topic of self-love/sabotage were raised. I have written about this before and it’s something that I was dealing with last night. I think what it really boils down to is allowing yourself to being open to loving who you are. Opening your heart to what you’ve accomplished, what you can become and what you want to become.

Allowing yourself to be intimate with yourself and others.

Yes, intimacy at the very basic is sex. Sex is beautiful when you let yourself totally be in the moment, when you’re with someone and not only are you enjoying it…but you’re able to truly enjoy the moment that you have with that person. There were SO many times when I was worried about being fat, being naked..that it robbed that time with my partner of me. But it really robbed me of me.

More though, intimacy is about being self-confident. It’s about loving who you are. It’s about letting people love you.

Have you struggled with intimacy? What are your thoughts on this?

~Mish
Harnessing My Intuitive Self

17 thoughts on “Intimacy

  1. Renée says:

    Oh yeah, I have struggled with intimacy, openness, closeness, for 30 years. It’s something I have to work on daily. As you know I’m still having a hard time with self-love and acceptance, but I definitely think that is the key. I am very open about this issue with my husband so that’s at least something. Previous relationships I would just get out before I had to get too close.

    • Mish says:

      I will have to find someone that will enable me to be open with them. I have to feel like I can, because if I can’t…I will go back into old patterns which were not good for me at all.

      • Tanya says:

        You will begin to attract those people who you can be intimate with in time… Making the realization is such a huge part of the journey.
        Your thoughts become your world xx

      • Mish says:

        ‘Your thoughts become your world’ HIT ME. Right in the heart, between the head, throughout my whole body. I wrote it down. Thank you. I REALLY needed that today. WOOZA!

  2. Diana says:

    Yep, definitely. I have a really hard time trusting people and feeling comfortable enough with myself to be comfortable with others.

  3. MizFit says:

    I know this isnt what you are heading toward but what immediately came to mind was/is EXPOSED!
    people are hesitant and nervous to join in but for me many many of my wordsonly posts are far more intimate.

    • Mish says:

      I think that’s a great observation. I realise to when I stop the pictures of rice and veggies and am honest w/ my words…I feel different after posting.

  4. Karena says:

    This was a really moving, open read. I love that you have the courage to lay yourself bare.

    I have been married to my wonderful-but-surly husband for nearly nine years, but I still find the true intimacy you’re talking about here difficult. Talking about feelings, opening up, laying MYSELF bare — that’s something that I’ve always had difficulty with. I’m working on building self-confidence and accepting myself as I am. I think that is the key to being able to be intimate.

  5. Diana the Scale Junkie says:

    I never trusted people, I never let them too close, I always kept a wall around myself both physically (with the weight) and emotionally. I know this was/is rooted in the abuses I experienced as a child. I learned to rely only on myself because others would always let me down but when they did, food was always there, my constant companion. Its a long road to recovery but I’m lucky enough to have found a person who loves me unconditionally and with him intimacy comes easy. Now its up to me to finally break through and let go of physical wall.

  6. Whit says:

    I have a really hard time letting people in, and the times I have, and have been burned are more than the times that I actually had a good experience. That’s pretty much why I am single, because I don’t open up to people.

    Thanks for writing this and letting me know I’m not alone in that. And for giving me something to work on. Because I need to.

  7. missyrayn says:

    I struggle with intimacy all the time. I never really feel close. Hunni and I have had to work on our intimacy outside the bedroom to make the intimate moments in there much better.

  8. Maria says:

    How about opening up easily to people who are not emotionally available?? that is not good I tell you. It is as if though you are comfortable enough with yourself to show who you are, you need to offer that to people for whom it will make no difference, no matter how good you are, because they are not really there. When I am attracted to people with intimacy issues, I think I must have one of these issues myself as well..

    • Mish says:

      I TOTALLY agree w/ you Maria. I have once heard, you attract people who are at your emotional level. So Intersting. My ex and I had such similar issues and at the end it’s what tore us apart.

  9. Elisabeth says:

    I have to agree with you so completely on this one. COMPLETELY. Completely!!

    I spent so many years hating myself and my body. I didn’t KNOW what intimacy was. I thought I knew, but in hindsight, I only let about 30% of myself actually experience anything real. I kept everyone at arms length. I didn’t let anyone in. I dated many men, and even married one of them. I thought that my ‘safest bet’ was always to do the breaking up. That way, I entered the relationship knowing that it wasn’t going to last, and knowing that I didn’t have to invest all of myself into becoming intimate with that person.

    At the ripe age of 29, I decided to start treatment for my disordered eating. This included 2 years of intensive therapy. Towards the end of my therapy, I met my current fiance. I honestly did not know how to “do” this whole intimacy thing, but all I knew was that I was open to loving someone for the first time ever in my life. I sat down on my therapist’s sofa more than once and sobbed…crying about feeling “so naked” in my new relationship. The truth was that I was letting myself love, letting myself be loved, and this was a totally new experience for me. It was scary as HELL.

    It really is true that you can’t love another person until you love yourself. Intimacy is so much deeper than sex. It’s listening and caring, becoming involved in facets of another person’s life…listening to their dreams and hopes. Really REALLY listening. I never did that before.

    Now that this is a book….lol. You struck on something with me. =)

    • Mish says:

      It’s amazing when we let people into our lives, after we’ve started loving ourselves. How intense and beautiful it can be. Thanks for sharing that.

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