(I have thought about not sharing this with you, but I feel like I need to be honest. I hope that you find something from this. I won’t apologise for it being heavy…but I will say..that it’s raw.)
Today I didn’t really want to go and see my counsellor. I didn’t want to deal with the shit that I needed to push through. I knew it was going to be painful and messy…but somewhat necessary.
I actually wrote my counsellor…the initial e-mail stating
I need you to drill me…I have one last hurdle to get through and I need to get through it.
I have to say that I am self-aware enough to know what is going on in my head. I recognise that I have bingeing tendencies, disorder body image issues, emotional highs/lows, and a perfectionist foundation that is making me exhausted.
I hold onto past grades: ‘If only I did better’
I hold onto crushes and spin them into wild fantasies:’I wonder what he’s doing?’ ‘Should I text?’
I beat myself up for eating: ‘Michelle, you know better than to have 10 french fries’ ‘You can start tomorrow’
I procrastinate and then go manic: ‘You shouldn’t have slept in’ ‘Why didn’t you work out, and then you binged, such a failure’
I was sitting on the couch speaking to my shrink, can I call her that, and said ‘I am TIRED of trying to be perfect. I am TIRED of holding onto this weight. I have never lost weight before, for myself. It’s been for a diet, for a man, for an event. But never for me. It’s like I am so tired of being perfect, that I am rebelling. I just can’t get past it.’
Without going into personal details….I am someone who longs/needs/desires/lusts after validation. My perfectionist/over-thinking mental chatter tears me down so far, that I can’t find it in me to say ‘YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH’.
I get, cognitively, that I am good enough. But in my heart, I don’t believe it.
She drew a picture and placed it on the other side of the couch. She asked me to look at it.
‘This is your false self. The voice that is in your head all the time. The one that tells you that you have to be perfect. The one that says you don’t deserve to be good enough. The one lusting after men. The one that is holding you back. The one silencing your TRUE self.’
I literally curled up into a ball, put my hands over my face, just shrunk. I couldn’t look at the picture. I was deathly afraid of what it stood for. I have spent almost 27 years listening to ‘her’. A self-abusive cycle of letting myself beat the shit out of myself. Letting this FALSE self take control of my life.
‘Michelle, I want you to get angry at it. Say to it: I want you to F–K OFF. To LEAVE. You’re not welcome here.’ She repeats this, by my ear. Trying to get me to say it. To give me the encouragement to break this down. To overcome.
I just sobbed. I just sobbed. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t talk ‘her’ down. I couldn’t stand up to it.
‘I am scared to let it go. It’s who I have become. BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT ANYMORE. I just don’t know if I can face it down. I don’t know if I can be without it. That means I have to be free, blissfully on my own. Doing things for me?’
I opened my eyes and stared at the picture. It scared me.
I just brokedown.
Then it hit me.
‘GET THE F–K OUT.’ I screamed. ‘Leave me alone, I don’t want you in my life anymore.’
I left the session, picked up the picture, squeezed it into a ball and shoved it in my purse. Free.
It’s not easy. But so many of us FEED/LISTEN TO/LIVE OUR LIVES for the FALSE self. We are taken down by our mental patterns/thoughts. We seem to never quite get to the place where we see our beauty, our ability, the weight off, the healthy relationships in our lives, our career paths actualised.
I came home and wrote how my TRUE self would live. How my TRUE self would be. (we all know what that is, it’s there..listen to it)
I get that this isn’t easy. I get that the ‘sun’ of life is blinding. But oh my heavens…watch the F out world. Mish is ready.
Which self do you listen to? False? True?
Harnessing My Intuitive Self