I am one day away from putting my weight up on the blog world for everyone to see…and for Ryan to think that he can beat me. Yeah, whatever, I’ll beat in the Fight to the Finish. I have been a bit worried about going back to weighing myself. I have gotten rid of the scale before, and it’s now going to be a part of my life for the next six weeks. I could feel the level and tension rise with the thought of ‘having to lose weight each week‘. It’s an internal pressure, but it’s something that I have avoided by maintaining the weight that I am currently at now for about 1 year. The weight that I want off, but ‘just can’t seem to get ride of it’.
I was talking with Christie today on g-chat.
She asked me: Michelle why do you want to lose the weight?
I just looked at the question. Then I wanted to vomit at the answer that ran through my brain. I don’t even want to write it here, but I think I need to.
To be thin.
So that a man will think that I am beautiful
I am not immune to these thought patterns yet. I know that it’s my false self creeping in and doing it’s thing. As I wrote earlier today, I can’t and won’t feed into this shit anymore. Literally and figurativley.
Without rehashing old wounds and dragging people in my life through guilt, I have had a couple of men who have solidified this notion that ‘thin is beautiful’. You see, when we think about why we are doing things, it’s amazing that many times we are doing them for things other than ourselves.
The scary thing, for me, this time losing weight–is that it’s for ME! It’s not for a man. It’s not for an event. It’s not for anything but me. Not even for a diet plan.
Can I do it?
Can I actually lose weight whilst listening to my body?
Do I have enough self-respect to focus more on moving and fueling my body instead of thinning my body down?
I can’t actually say Yes to those questions. I am being honest. What I am saying Yes to, is that over the next six weeks I am going to strive to live everyday to saying YES to those questions which I have posed.
I sobbed, again, today when I realised that I have wanted and have lost weight to be thin.
Beautiful is respecting yourself right now, in the choices that you’re making.
Respect and beauty lie within making healthy choices daily, working your body how you want to, listening to your body’s cues and holding onto positive self-talk.
Is ‘thin’ what is beautiful to you? Have you lost weight to be thin?
Harnessing My Intuitive Self