I need to get real for a second…I am scared.

This is not going to be a nice happy post..sorry. I need to brain dump. I know that some of you may react to this post..and that’s ok.

I am MOTHER F-ING tired of falling back into old habits.

It’s my WI day today for FtotheF and what do I think in my head ‘It’s time to eat bread, tatertots, ice cream, banana bread’. All of those things are FINE. However, when you have gut issues like mine, it’s like sending in an army to attack.

It makes me feel tired, grumpy, emotional and frustrated.

You see I have had success with losing weight. 7ish-lbs down. People telling me that I look gorgeous/thin/beautiful/’sexxxxaaaayyyyyy’ in the comments on my dress post is faltering.

But it makes me nervous. It makes me scared that what I am experiencing, this new body (which isn’t overly new, I have been around this weight for about five years now) is that it is going to go away. That at the end of the day that I am doomed to be a fat person. That even though I know that I am healthy now…I have to almost live in a mental space where I don’t like my body or accept it where it’s at, because then I’ll loosen up and slide back.

I know it doesn’t make sense to some people..and others are probably thinking–‘God, I totally understand’.

I don’t have answers..do you?

But what I know is that it comes deep down in the root of my issues in that I don’t feel that I can actually be the person that I dream of being. That I won’t be healthy, that I can’t run the 14.5km race that I have been thinking about running, that I will NEVER EVER be over losing weight.

Just writing this, is making my heart race. The fact that I am laying this out there, telling you that I AM SCARED.

What if I have to walk in the race?
What if I stop trying to lose weight?
What if I actually followed a study plan?
What if I applied myself to working out?
What if I finally lost the weight and kept it off?

What if I just accepted who I am where I am?

I know that I harp on this all the time, and I am getting better at letting all of the crappy, anchoring thoughts go. But, I wanted to share this with you, because you know what…I AM NOT PERFECT!

Thanks for listening. I am going to go do the shit that scares me. I am.

~Mish

24 thoughts on “I need to get real for a second…I am scared.

  1. loserforlife says:

    Lordy knows, I’ve got no answers. But, the fact that you are digging deep and looking for these answers is a step in finding your way. You can do it, M! Do The Scary Shit 🙂

    • Mish says:

      Do the Scary Shit…I love it. I e-mailed my running group leader back and said ‘I am running the damn race, it scares me, but I am doing this.’ I think that I am going to make a Mizfit inspired shirt ‘I am doing this, cause it scares me’.

  2. Helen says:

    I think there are a lot of us out there who can have written this very post (if we had the same great writing skills as you). The one thing that caught my eye was about your race. So what if you have to walk? Which then made me think that you need to sit down and answer each of those questions with a “so what” in front of them. I think you’d find some peace in the answers you give yourself.

  3. simplytrece says:

    I have no answers either. Helen has good advice – imagine each ‘worst case scenario’ and then ask yourself, “SO”.
    Remember, it’s never too late to be who you are meant to be. Stay focused. Only you can decide if what you’re fighting for is worth it.

  4. Elisabeth says:

    What if I have to walk in the race? So you walk. Does that change the person you are inside? Who cares. I walk all the time in races. =)

    What if I stop trying to lose weight? If you stop trying to lose weight, you’ll be living instead. HOORAY for living! =)

    What if I actually followed a study plan? Can you share yours with me? This is something I need to work on!

    What if I applied myself to working out? Do you want to?

    What if I finally lost the weight and kept it off? You’ll still be the same person whether you lose weight and keep it off or not.

    What if I just accepted who I am where I am? Again, at that point, you’d be living.

    —-
    So I ask myself a lot of the same questions. When I get stressed out, I always want to start losing weight, counting calories, and keeping track of my food. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s “if I can’t control all of this (school/work/life/relationships), then I’ll be damned if I don’t control THIS (food/calories/exercise)!”

    I have to consciously work on being kind to myself during times of stress. If I don’t, my past comes back to haunt me, and revert back to my old ways of thinking and coping.

  5. hundredtenpounds says:

    I think those are normal fears. When I was losing weight I had the same record repeating in my head. “What I gain it all back?” “If I’m injured and have to take a week off, will I get fat again?”

    Just keep doing what you’re doing and try to silence those voices the best you can. If you can, look at the voices and fears as your mind’s way of keeping you motivated to continue!

    • Mish says:

      I love the idea of keeping the voices as motivation. What if I just used all that for energy towards something instead of trying to shove it down…perfect!

  6. Ellie Di says:

    I definitely understand these fears – I battled with them for years. And I wish I could tell you how and why I stopped. What I can tell you is that nothing you’re struggling with is bad or unusual. It’s okay to be scared and to hurt; growing is always painful. You’re doing amazing things for yourself, in spite of any fears, and you’ll keep doing them because you’re better than your fears. I’ll keep shaking the pompoms for you, confident in knowing that being scared won’t last forever. ❤

  7. Blubeari says:

    I absolutely know what you mean. Sometimes it just feels so futile. I will be so on plan for like a week, and then one day of letting it slip and it feels like I could just give up so easily. but we are all fighters, and that is why we are here. And we will be here for you too. 🙂

  8. John says:

    I’ve been fighting the old urges too. My weigh in was yesterday and what do I do Sunday night? Eat 3 slices of pizza. Seems like I can only go so far and then it seems like I try and sabotage myself. Every so often I really have to fight through this to keep on the new path. We all go through these periods it’s how you deal with them that will tell the tale.

    Walk in the race if you have to no one will care. Many people actually race with the intention of using a run/walk plan.

    • Mish says:

      John thanks for writing that. It’s interesting as well in regards to WI. That the night before I just want to eat as well. Hurm…I need to process and write an articulate post at sometime.

    • Elisabeth says:

      I ate 3 slices of pizza yesterday for lunch. It was good. I’m still the same girl I was before I ate that pizza. =)

      Three pieces of pizza is not sabotage. It’s eating. It’s food. If you listen to your body in the hours and even the day following eating that pizza, it’ll probably tell you that it’s not very hungry. Listen to your body and learn what it wants. It’s like Karate Kid. Wax on…wax off…

      • Mish says:

        Karate Kid..love it. It’s so true though abt. listening to your body. I do agree, and I am beginning to understand what that means for me. Thanks for this post.

  9. RNegade says:

    You had me right up until “tatertots.”

    Tatertots? TATERTOTS?

    That’s low, girl.

    At least have the decency to smother the little buggers with Heinz Ketchup, and have a side order of fish sticks, for heaven’s sake!

    🙂

    You rock.

  10. rebekah (clarity in creation.) says:

    girl – i felt the same way today. after struggling with my weight for years, i went crap… i’m really good at losing and gaining, but maintaining? that’s a horse of another color.

    good luck.. and i promise we WILL figure it out. we deserve it.
    -r

  11. Yum Yucky says:

    Sometimes fear is not bad. It’s our reaction to moving out of our comfort zone. I think your fear is causing you to be reflective and take action. And the more you practice your journey through the fear, the easier it will get. Then fear will be less of an issue.

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