This is not going to be a nice happy post..sorry. I need to brain dump. I know that some of you may react to this post..and that’s ok.
I am MOTHER F-ING tired of falling back into old habits.
It’s my WI day today for FtotheF and what do I think in my head ‘It’s time to eat bread, tatertots, ice cream, banana bread’. All of those things are FINE. However, when you have gut issues like mine, it’s like sending in an army to attack.
It makes me feel tired, grumpy, emotional and frustrated.
You see I have had success with losing weight. 7ish-lbs down. People telling me that I look gorgeous/thin/beautiful/’sexxxxaaaayyyyyy’ in the comments on my dress post is faltering.
But it makes me nervous. It makes me scared that what I am experiencing, this new body (which isn’t overly new, I have been around this weight for about five years now) is that it is going to go away. That at the end of the day that I am doomed to be a fat person. That even though I know that I am healthy now…I have to almost live in a mental space where I don’t like my body or accept it where it’s at, because then I’ll loosen up and slide back.
I know it doesn’t make sense to some people..and others are probably thinking–‘God, I totally understand’.
I don’t have answers..do you?
But what I know is that it comes deep down in the root of my issues in that I don’t feel that I can actually be the person that I dream of being. That I won’t be healthy, that I can’t run the 14.5km race that I have been thinking about running, that I will NEVER EVER be over losing weight.
Just writing this, is making my heart race. The fact that I am laying this out there, telling you that I AM SCARED.
What if I have to walk in the race?
What if I stop trying to lose weight?
What if I actually followed a study plan?
What if I applied myself to working out?
What if I finally lost the weight and kept it off?
What if I just accepted who I am where I am?
I know that I harp on this all the time, and I am getting better at letting all of the crappy, anchoring thoughts go. But, I wanted to share this with you, because you know what…I AM NOT PERFECT!
Thanks for listening. I am going to go do the shit that scares me. I am.