I Don’t Understand It

I have been trying and trying to write this post. How can I write it.

Perhaps this is a sleep deprived, ego bruised, emotionally drained…brain dump. But I need to do it…so that perhaps I can write the paper that I need to write.

I saw death this week. I have written about this before….but it was SO much more up close and personal. A patient who had a degenerative disease that took her life in just three sweet, precious, exhausting years. Unable to respond to family and friends at her beside like vigilant life soldiers. We, nurses, trying to do everything we could to care for her. Me, feeling totally helpless as the only thing that I can think about is my own Mom. Me sitting by her bed, vigilantly hoping that perhaps, I would get 15 more minutes with her.

The hard thing for nursing, for me right now, is to not let my heart strings get wrapped up into it. It’s hard watching patients suffer…it’s hard watching their family and friends suffer. I get that it’s part of my job….but I question many times why God would put people through this.

On top of this, I am in a bit of a funk when it comes to friendships. I won’t go into the details…because for the first time EVER, I am not ready to write about it. It’s to raw and hyped up for me to give it words right now. All I can say is that again I don’t understand why certain people come into our lives…make a huge impact…and then move on. IT’S NOT FAIR!

To cap off this week...my pharmacology exam…a 65%. 13/20. TERRIBLE. *it does translate back to America as an 85%, but still to KNOW that you were well below the class average SUCKS. It doesn’t play into my perfectionist, good student ego. in fact it really has impacted my self-confidence.*

To be honest…I am exhausted on pretty much every bloody level of my being. I have cried myself to sleep once this week and burst into tears this morning. I don’t want a pity party, rather I just guess that part of this whole processing thing is to try and give words to where I am right now.

Because..these emotions…DIRECTLY impact my food choices. I wanted carbs this morning. So, I had 1 1/2 bowls of cereal…and then stopped. I realised that I was giving myself permission to overeat and start eating cereal that really wasn’t going to honour my health.

I actually didn’t let the emotions rule my food choices. That is a 100% victory.

Ever feel like you don’t have the words to describe what you’re feeling?

Harnessing My Intuitive Self

12 thoughts on “I Don’t Understand It

  1. missyrayn says:

    I have the inability to describe my feelings a lot. And it often leads to eating or exercising.

    I don’t know why God puts us in the positions he does…you in nursing, me in ministry. We can see such pain. But God has a plan to use you and me and grow us as well in the process. Trust that he has the plan for you even if you can’t see the next step in front of you.

  2. Georgia says:

    “why certain people come into our lives…make a huge impact…and then move on. IT’S NOT FAIR”

    Nope…it’s not. But once time has passed you may be able to look back and see the how those people changed your life and when enough time has passed you may even be able to tell them “thank-you”.
    I did that recently and it felt wonderful…a few people I’ve lost contact with over the years didn’t even realize what an impact they had on my life! The time and distance helped us look back at situations with different eyes.

    Hope you’re able to work though the funk.

    • Mish says:

      I think it’s true about being thankful for them. I think that I am just missing having them in my life…so I suppose the greif is from a pity place and finding the silver lining in it is really the beauty of it all. 🙂

  3. Suzi says:

    Hey Girl! This has got to be super hard, but growth hurts…physically hurts. Your heart is growing in ways that you didn’t know it could, but I know for sure that you are changing lives. Your spirit is so beautiful that I know your presence alone is healing to your patients. Can’t see you on fb anymore…worried…
    Email if you need to chat.

  4. kettlebelllove says:

    Sometimes it’s better to just sit with the feelings and feel them. Writing about them helps me too (not publicly, but in a journal). Not letting emotions affect your food is a real struggle sometimes. I know for me, I don’t like expressing anger or frustration with someone so when I get angry or frustrated, that is the time I need to be the most aware. You did a great job of stopping yourself. You should feel proud of that.

    Death is tough, even for believers. It’s just not a pleasant process. When my mom was dying, having the nurses there when we needed them, and watching them quietly care for her was a huge comfort. Nurses are amazing people (my husband is one). Please know that even if the family can’t express it to you at the time, you’re helping them.

  5. Ellie Di says:

    One of the reasons I could never be a doctor or nurse is that I would get too emotionally involved for my own good. Seeing a loved one – not even one of my own – would send me into a tizz. I’ve been very incredibly fortunate to not have to deal with a lot of death in my life, but I know that only means it’s coming and will be even more intense. I’m amazed every time someone else is able to move through and overcome this kind of thing, and with you even more so that you chose to go into nursing to possibly face it every day.

    So big hugs and happy thoughts to you, dear. And it’s double-great that you didn’t let your emotional state get the better of your health. ❤

  6. Reluctant Blogger says:

    Ah but I think you did describe it.

    I used to feel like that about friendships too but you have to relax about that and go with the flow and know that people do pop back into your life, sometimes long in the future. Life is one way – there is no going back. You have to feel sad, and then let it go and move on. It gets easier with age, when you see The End ever nearer!

    Nursing is always going to be a tough job emotionally – always, however long you do it. But you will be fab at it.

    i hate to think of you crying yourself to sleep. You give so much, are so honest, that that doesn’t seem right at all, it felt like we, your readers had failed you, because you give and we clearly don’t give enough back. Sigh!

    You did look fab in that dress though – wow!

    • Mish says:

      Oh my heavens….please don’t think that you failed me. It’s just me, to be honest. I need to get a grip on these little emotions.

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