I have been trying and trying to write this post. How can I write it.
Perhaps this is a sleep deprived, ego bruised, emotionally drained…brain dump. But I need to do it…so that perhaps I can write the paper that I need to write.
I saw death this week. I have written about this before….but it was SO much more up close and personal. A patient who had a degenerative disease that took her life in just three sweet, precious, exhausting years. Unable to respond to family and friends at her beside like vigilant life soldiers. We, nurses, trying to do everything we could to care for her. Me, feeling totally helpless as the only thing that I can think about is my own Mom. Me sitting by her bed, vigilantly hoping that perhaps, I would get 15 more minutes with her.
The hard thing for nursing, for me right now, is to not let my heart strings get wrapped up into it. It’s hard watching patients suffer…it’s hard watching their family and friends suffer. I get that it’s part of my job….but I question many times why God would put people through this.
On top of this, I am in a bit of a funk when it comes to friendships. I won’t go into the details…because for the first time EVER, I am not ready to write about it. It’s to raw and hyped up for me to give it words right now. All I can say is that again I don’t understand why certain people come into our lives…make a huge impact…and then move on. IT’S NOT FAIR!
To cap off this week...my pharmacology exam…a 65%. 13/20. TERRIBLE. *it does translate back to America as an 85%, but still to KNOW that you were well below the class average SUCKS. It doesn’t play into my perfectionist, good student ego. in fact it really has impacted my self-confidence.*
To be honest…I am exhausted on pretty much every bloody level of my being. I have cried myself to sleep once this week and burst into tears this morning. I don’t want a pity party, rather I just guess that part of this whole processing thing is to try and give words to where I am right now.
Because..these emotions…DIRECTLY impact my food choices. I wanted carbs this morning. So, I had 1 1/2 bowls of cereal…and then stopped. I realised that I was giving myself permission to overeat and start eating cereal that really wasn’t going to honour my health.
I actually didn’t let the emotions rule my food choices. That is a 100% victory.
Ever feel like you don’t have the words to describe what you’re feeling?
Harnessing My Intuitive Self