Week 5 is interesting for me. I have to say that it’s been a HARD two weeks for me. I have dealt with the fact that I have been binging, I have been obsessed with the fact that I am currently gaining weight and that I am having a REALLY hard time letting go of dieting.
You see I don’t know why the hell I even signed up to take on Ryan.
1. I know that when I put pressure on myself when it comes to weight I always fail…and this is something that has happened so many times. This is what I have been doing for the past 2 f-ing years. Weight ‘must’ = Michelle freaking out and shoving her face.
2. I am MORE than weight…even though I have a hard time seeing that sometimes
3. Do I really want to lose weight? I have to admit that it’s hard sometimes to want to lose weight. To want to get down to 75kg/168lbs again. It took a A LOT of hard work. It was a regiment that required STRICT dieting and exercise. There wasn’t must le-way.
4. Uni is killing me
I just don’t know why I did this to myself. Dieting/weight/wanting to beat someone does NOT bring out the best in me. I wanted to throw the towel in this week. I wanted to write Ryan and e-mail saying ‘I concede defeat, you win, I am eating so much bacon I feel like a fat pig…here’s your gold star’.
In the midst of making brandy banana bread and then eating three slices I had something wash over me today and was nice, refreshing good.
What about focusing on the things that I love in my life and make me feel good. INSTEAD of thinking about the things that I HAVE to give up.
- Green tea
- fruit, in moderation
- good meat–ie nothing from a bag
- hot showers
- runs–but nothing that I feel that I can’t do
- studying before exams in a good reasonable time
- being honest
- developing my faith
- white rice
- tea any kind
- dishes done
- laundry done
- focusing on fitness goals–it’s something that I am developing
- WALKING AWAY FROM A MEAL being SATISFIED–I am still learning that
- Listening to Ricky Martin on my ipod pretending that I can salsa dance—or dance at all
- dressing up
- putting at least once coat of mascara on before heading out the door
- whole grains
- working out–did I write that?
- going to bed knowing that I honored my health
- baking for people
- knowing that I don’t have to binge to escape emotions
- calling friends
- seeing the race numbers on my wall
- knowing that I am going to SMASH my 14km race this weekend — I hope
No where in there is ice cream, cake, cookies, sitting on my lazy ass making excuses, wallowing in self pity, procrastination, etc.
The thing is, is that for the past two years I have spent pretty much the whole time saying to myself ‘Michelle, tomorrow you’re gonna give up sugar for good, start studying, go for a run, lose that weight, stop binging’.
THIS HAS NOT made me happy.
So yes..you know what..I weighed in this morning at 87.8kg .5kg increase and 1.1lbs gain. AND I DON’T GIVE A SH-T!
You know why? Cause what I am shedding is my old way of thinking. It may mean that I start at the same weight that I did before. But I don’t think so.
Fighting to the Finish is becoming so much more about fighting through what I didn’t think I could live without…and beginning to focus on what really makes me a fighter.
Harnessing My Fighter