Week 5 Fight to the Finish ‘Harnessing My FIGHTER’

Week 5 is interesting for me. I have to say that it’s been a HARD two weeks for me. I have dealt with the fact that I have been binging, I have been obsessed with the fact that I am currently gaining weight and that I am having a REALLY hard time letting go of dieting.

You see I don’t know why the hell I even signed up to take on Ryan.

1. I know that when I put pressure on myself when it comes to weight I always fail…and this is something that has happened so many times. This is what I have been doing for the past 2 f-ing years. Weight ‘must’ = Michelle freaking out and shoving her face.
2. I am MORE than weight…even though I have a hard time seeing that sometimes
3. Do I really want to lose weight? I have to admit that it’s hard sometimes to want to lose weight. To want to get down to 75kg/168lbs again. It took a A LOT of hard work. It was a regiment that required STRICT dieting and exercise. There wasn’t must le-way.
4. Uni is killing me

I just don’t know why I did this to myself. Dieting/weight/wanting to beat someone does NOT bring out the best in me. I wanted to throw the towel in this week. I wanted to write Ryan and e-mail saying ‘I concede defeat, you win, I am eating so much bacon I feel like a fat pig…here’s your gold star’.

In the midst of making brandy banana bread and then eating three slices I had something wash over me today and was nice, refreshing good.

What about focusing on the things that I love in my life and make me feel good. INSTEAD of thinking about the things that I HAVE to give up.

  • Green tea
  • water
  • sleep
  • fruit, in moderation
  • good meat–ie nothing from a bag
  • protein
  • hot showers
  • runs–but nothing that I feel that I can’t do
  • studying before exams in a good reasonable time
  • being honest
  • developing my faith
  • salad
  • white rice
  • tea any kind
  • dishes done
  • laundry done
  • focusing on fitness goals–it’s something that I am developing
  • WALKING AWAY FROM A MEAL being SATISFIED–I am still learning that
  • Listening to Ricky Martin on my ipod pretending that I can salsa dance—or dance at all
  • dressing up
  • putting at least once coat of mascara on before heading out the door
  • whole grains
  • working out–did I write that?
  • going to bed knowing that I honored my health
  • baking for people
  • knowing that I don’t have to binge to escape emotions
  • calling friends
  • seeing the race numbers on my wall
  • knowing that I am going to SMASH my 14km race this weekend — I hope
  • growing
  • Glee

No where in there is ice cream, cake, cookies, sitting on my lazy ass making excuses, wallowing in self pity, procrastination, etc.

The thing is, is that for the past two years I have spent pretty much the whole time saying to myself ‘Michelle, tomorrow you’re gonna give up sugar for good, start studying, go for a run, lose that weight, stop binging’.

THIS HAS NOT made me happy.

So yes..you know what..I weighed in this morning at 87.8kg .5kg increase and 1.1lbs gain. AND I DON’T GIVE A SH-T!

You know why? Cause what I am shedding is my old way of thinking. It may mean that I start at the same weight that I did before. But I don’t think so.

Fighting to the Finish is becoming so much more about fighting through what I didn’t think I could live without…and beginning to focus on what really makes me a fighter.

~Mish
Harnessing My Fighter

16 thoughts on “Week 5 Fight to the Finish ‘Harnessing My FIGHTER’

  1. missyrayn says:

    You are learning and life is about learning.

    For me I have to look at what I can eat and do instead of what I can’t. If I only focus on what I can’t do then I get depressed and eat. Now I focus on the good food I can eat and on the fun stuff I can do like hike.

  2. marzipan says:

    i adore you. it’s true. and i just think you are wonderful.
    so go ahead, lose the fight to the finish if you’d like. We’ll all be here, with open arms, loving you anyway.
    xo

  3. kbwood says:

    PREACH IT SISTA!!!!!!!!!!!
    you are doing so freaking awesome and so strong.. KEEP IT UP!!! keep on leaning on Him!!!! I love you sharing and you are so freaking encouraging. i KNOW you are on the road to fitting onto Gods plan better…you are being sharpened and being sharpened HURTS and it SUCKS but its only so we can be more of the women God called us to be!

    • Mish says:

      Ok…I pretty much want to bottle you up, and bring you to Oz so that we can have coffee. Thank YOU so much for being a woman who speaks truth. Your comments always get me. Further, I am reading this book called “Can I have and it all, please?” by Christine Caine. I KNOW that you’re swampped..as I am. However, when I done reading it..I am sending it to you..cause it’s awesome and it’s hot pink..really can you go wrong w/ that? It’s amazing AMAZING what happens you actually hand over your life to God..and the power in surrending. It’s scary and I get why people struggle with not being able to do it on your own. But how freeing is it to say ‘i need help’ and getting it?

  4. gemfit says:

    I’ve been waiting for you to realise this!!

    Focusing on the BAD is not doing anyone any good. Focus on the GOOD and your bring more of it to you.

    Cheesy but true.

    Embrace what makes you strong.

  5. Jess says:

    I enjoy reading your blog because the struggle you are going through is one that many, many women have no matter their size. Thank you for being honest and raw.
    I want to recommend the 80/10/10 Diet by Dr. Doug Graham to you. This book revolutionized the way I look at food and was the catalyst that allowed me to finally have a healthy relationship with my food and my body.
    I hope that this may be a beacon of light for you as it was for me and so many others.

    Have a joyous day!!! 🙂

    • Mish says:

      Thank you for commenting. I SWEAR I need about 24 more hours in a day to read everything that sounds amazing. What’s the premise of the way of eating?

      • Jess says:

        80/10/10 stands for 80% of your diet coming from carbs, 10% from protein and 10% from fat. In simple terms, it is a low fat raw vegan diet where you consume as much fruit and vegetables as your heart desires! Dr. Graham has done ample research, about 20 years worth, and has concluded that fruit provides the perfect fuel for the human body! I couldn’t agree more from my experience; my mind is sharper, I have so much more energy and my digestion is smooth sailing.

        I know it seems radical, and some people would jump on it and say that sounds restrictive, but I eat up to 3,000-3,500 calories from sweet fruit a day, feel great, do an hour of exercise a day and best of all, I feel no more guilt because I can enjoy my food because it nourishs my body and mind in ways I never thought possible!

        I believe I’ve read that fruit has given you some tummy troubles in the past, but I encourage you to give this a chance becuase many times it is other factors(for example, fruit does not digest well with fat or protein because those take much longer to digest so fruit will ferment in your gut). Dr. Graham also has a website, foodnsport.com

        Thank you for listening! 🙂

  6. Jenelle says:

    Great post. Life is more than the number on the scale and good for you for not letting it dictate your self-worth.

    Just curious, do you ever consider the fact that maybe where you are now is your body’s “happy weight”? I mean, just from the photos you post you look incredibly healthy and fit as is. From personal experience I know it’s difficult to reflect on a time when the number on the scale was a lot lower, but so often we forget how we felt at that number (not much different/worse?) Perhaps these binges are your body’s way of staying where it is so it can continue doing the things it does like running and yoga and making dresses look fantastic. 🙂

    Either way, I think that this post is a very positive reflection and I’m so happy for you 🙂

    • Mish says:

      I have thought abt that a lot actually. However, right now my BMI is ‘overweight’ and I want to be in the healthy category which means low 170s. It is amazing thought how the 190s is where my body likes to kick it. I don’t know if that’s cause that is where I honestly physically am meant to me..or emotionally that’s where I feel comfortable.

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