I had to ask the HARD question….

I have REALLY struggled with food choices today.

I am TRYING to abandon counting points, weighing myself…as validation for ‘good’ choices and/or for ‘bad’ choices….to allow myself to eat more.

It’s hard work.

It’s hard to let go of the past.

I had to get down and dirty with myself after almost bingeing today and TOTALLY over-eating at both meals and ask myself

“ARE YOU REALLY WANTING TO DO THIS? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE THIN HEALTHY?”

I looked at myself in the mirror. That means that my dependency upon food to ‘take me away’ from my emotions/studying/working out/sleeping etc. is no longer my immediate and entrenched option.

I make no promises…cause I hate them…cause I usually can’t keep them.

But, what I do know…is that the answer to my tired, stuffed face was YES.

Have you asked yourself..honestly…if you’ve wanted what you thought you wanted? What was the answer?

~Mish
Not annoyed, just thankful that I was real with myself

16 thoughts on “I had to ask the HARD question….

  1. freak4fitness says:

    It’s a tough question to answer! The obvious answer is yes, but asking yourself if you’re willing to make the appropriate lifestyle changes & every day choices is where the struggle is.
    Good post!

  2. Marisa (Loser for Life) says:

    It’s VERY hard to let go of the past. It’s possible, but it’s a long journey that takes lots of work. Often, I find it easier to stuff my face than deal with it. However, when I abandon perfection and just take things day by day, I find it more do-able. One day at a time…

  3. Karen (KCLAnderson) says:

    After years and years of wanting to lose weight, and hearing my mother’s voice inside my head (“If you really want something, you’ll make it happen…otherwise you don’t really want it.”) I finally acknowledged that I must not really want to lose weight. It’s not like I didn’t know how, right? And so I finally decided to figure out why…

    I went to a hypnotherapist (Lynn) who specializes in Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT combines two well-established sciences: mind-body medicine and acupuncture (without needles). It involves stimulating certain meridian points by tapping on them with the fingertips as you recite a phrase or script that resonates with what you want to achieve.

    It was during the first session that it became obvious what my problem was. Lynn asked me why I was there and I poured out my whole sad, fat history. She started the tapping with this phrase, which I was to repeat as she tapped: “Even though I am overweight, I love and accept myself.”

    I couldn’t say it because I didn’t love and accept myself. Instead I sobbed. Almost uncontrollably. But I kept at it, going once a week for several months.

    A turning point came when Lynn asked me if my husband would be happier if I lost weight. This was a dangerous question. I got choked up. I didn’t know what to say. All indications were that he loved me the way I was. But I was determined to do the work. That night, with tears streaming down my face I asked him: “Would you be happier if I lost weight?” Poor guy. Without hesitation he replied: “I think you’d be happier if you lost weight and if you were happier then I’d be happier.”

    And that’s when I had a big “a-ha moment.” I didn’t want to admit that I’d be happier if I lost weight because then that would make my mother right. Because in my family, fat is bad. Fat people are unhappy, lazy, stupid, ugly…

    That was back in the early part of 2005. I proceeded to lose 55 pounds. And you know the rest…I’ve regained some of it and have struggled off and on to figure out why, and have been asking myself, what do I really want? I guess I am still not 100% sure….

  4. RNegade says:

    Some people have a knack for playing the piano, and they master the instrument with a bit of attention to daily practice. They may practice only occasionally once they have achieved a certain level of expertise, yet they retain the ability to sit at the keyboard and delight themselves and others–without giving it much thought. They are happy to play well, yet it is not their driving desire in life to hold on to their precious talent. It is simply available to them, as long as they give it a bit of attention now and then.

    On the other hand, I want very much to play beautifully but it is not, and never will be, a natural talent in my repetoire of talents. The fact that playing well is a major challenge, and practice demands my effort and focused study, day in and day out, does not diminish my desire to play (for example, the Marriage of Figaro), in a way that sounds natural and graceful.

    Caring for my body’s needs, especially maintaining a healthy weight, is not a natural talent for me. My desire to do it well does not change the fact that it is harder for me than it is for some others. I could criticize myself, and punish myself, and judge myself harshly for not feeling more of a sense of ease about self care, or get mad at myself for still needing to practice and work at this endevour everyday. Yet that would not be helpful or loving or caring towards myself.

    I am never going to be an intuitive eater. I am never going to be able to forget about the content of food, in terms of how it will make my body feel. Wanting to feel fit and healthy is not enough. Wanting it with all my heart is not enough. I must be willing to practice. Every day. Thank goodness I don’t have to practice perfectly.

  5. Tami says:

    I had to ask myself that in January of this year. It was time to get real with myself and have a sense of direction.

    I decided that I wanted to be healthy and that I would and could do what it takes to get there and stay there.

    I am doing what works for me. I wish I could bottle this resolve and save it for when I have a low time so I could just bathe in it and be renewed.

    Addiction is not cured it is managed on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.

  6. missyrayn says:

    Talking with my PT today I realized that while I want to be healthy that may not be the thin weight Weight Watchers gives me. I need to be okay with weighing more to be fitter. I need to get over the fact that the number on the scale defines how fit I am. I want to be in a healthy weight range but I also want to be strong enough to run and do all the activities I’ve grown to love. And those two numbers may not be the same. It’s a lot to wrap my mind around.

    • Mish says:

      I think that moment, which I am getting closer to, when I let go of what I think I should weigh, look like and be…is the moment I’ll become what I have wanted to be. It’s the letting go. Loosening the grip and just being.

  7. Ellie Di says:

    (shakes the hell out of some pompoms) You can do it! You want to do it so badly. Don’t let fear overcome your love for yourself and your desire to be healthy. ❤

  8. Christine (Blisschick) Reed says:

    As someone with a past filled with eating and body image disorders (and depression and anxiety, of course), I know that every day I have to make the choice to say YES to this beautiful life and that part of saying YES is taking care of myself.

    I’ve just realized, for example, that I am under-eating. I am not doing this in my old, trying to get skinny way, but it is simply that as someone with this past, I don’t know what eating looks like that supports my current level of intense activity. (At the age of 40 last year, I returned to my greatest love — Dance.)

    Being aware is such a huge deal for me. And admitting to my partner that I have not been eating enough is proof that I am getting SO MUCH BETTER at this.

    That same partner made me throw away the bathroom scale many years ago and that was an amazing and freeing choice.

    For someone who would weigh herself after she went to the bathroom, it was difficult, but the weight it took off my mind was worth it.

    Do it. It’s a commitment to your truly healthy self.

    • Mish says:

      I want the chains to be gone..and I am working on it…but it’s weird to think that I could fly. But yes…I want to fly…DAMN IT..I am going to fly.

  9. Starfire says:

    I tell myself that what I want is to be fit and healthy, and that I’m wanting to lose weight so that I’ll be able to finish the 100km charity event I’m committed to walking next April.

    Somewhere beneath the surface, though, I know that just as motivating for me is the concept of *looking* fit and toned again (which may be shallow, but doesn’ necessarily have to be the worst thing in the world to want); and not cringing when I see myself in the mirror (which feels like I’m getting into more dangerous territory)

    The truth is that most of the time, I’m …. OK with who I see in the mirror. Not wildly enthused, but not nearly as actively self-hating as I was in my early 20s. It’s been a long road since that time, with a couple of times of massive weight loss (neither time healthily), and both times gaining it back within 5 years and then a bit.

    I think that’s why it feels “safer” to focus on the fitness and health instead of aesthetic goals. Because I want the functional stuff too, don’t get me wrong… it’s just that if I’m completely, 100% honest with myself, they’re far from all I want – and I’m scared that if I let myself think about the other things, I’ll end up smack bang in the middle of another crazy-dieting disordered eating stretch… and I don’t know how many more of those my body is going to be able to handle

    STARFIRE

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