I have had a LOT of last suppers…these past three weeks.
I have been hiding in old, run down PJs, sweat shirts, and fleeces.
I have had wet hair and no masacra going for about 12 weeks straight with moments of a skirt and a coat of mascara.
I have baked, many times, so I could give it to others binge.
I have snuck back into the cafeteria, cause I have a master key, to get ice cream.
I have been finding solace…well escape in food.
I know I have not been eating well.
But let’s break it down JUST A BIT MORE…could we?
It’s all about rebelling against psuedo-dieting—>That’s right I AM STILL COUNTING POINTS.
I got on the scale tonight (yes, I know I shouldn’t have) and looked at the number.
I knew that it made sense—>I can’t deny how my body is actually feeling..to be honest.
I continue to engage in psuedo-dieting AND it is NOT getting me where I want to go.
I don’t know how to listen to my body..or that’s what I am have been telling myself.
Cause if I take away that ability to cope w/ food..then I have to completely start over again..or do I?
You see I have thought of intuitive eating as too hard—>there are not REAL rules…except to listen to yourself.
I got into the shower tonight (stopping a binge) and looked at my body—>It’s surround with a layer of fat that represents dieting, binging, NOT LISTENING.
I sat as the hot water ran over my body and said to myself..”you know what Michelle. dieting ain’t working. it’s got you to this point..so it’s time to listen to your body at least for a bit..and give it a go. cause really what the hell do you have to lose?”
It wasn’t about dragging myself down—> It was actually a really calm moment of clarity where I wasn’t “ok, fine I’ll try intuitive eating”….it was actually “I want to give this a good go”.
I am not perfect.
I never will be.
I am scared to go down this journey..because in some weird twisted f-ed up way I ‘know’ that WW works, but I don’t want to be a slave to it again.
I have NEVER listened to my body when it came to food…I have robbed my ‘ears’—> Or at least I thought that I have.
So…small little changes…choices are clicking in my brain.
I have no idea what it’s going to bring…but I am ready to give it a try…I am ready to jump in.
I am scared, cause I am having CHOOSING to throw out all of my coping mechanisms.
I am having to stand naked with myself and trust myself.
I have to start where it matters..inside.
Ever have one of those shower induced moments of clarity?