Living To Be A Past Self?

Do you live in the present to be a past-self?

When I was at the Vegan Wedding, I decided to have this photo taken of me.

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I remember thinking the following:

  1. Wow I am tall
  2. I look silly
  3. I AM NOT AS FAT AS I THINK I AM
  4. I HAVE A GREAT BODY SCREAMING TO BE LET OUT

I am tall. 5’10” to be exact. I have weighed between 300+lbs to 168lbs+ in the past 10ish years. I am currently hovering around 200lbs+

What that photo really sparked in me was a desire..and TRUE DESIRE..to get fit. Now I have talked about this before and have never quiet seemed to get there. I would start with a hard and fast regime of working out to rebel against it and then quit. I have also struggled with food, bingeing, etc.

You see when I look at pictures of my past selves…..

fat thanksgiving.jpg headshot.jpg

I have realised that in my head I am either NOT wanting to be like I was …. OR trying to be like I was.

I don’t want to be the dieting, diet coke guzzling, sugar free eating 168lbs woman ever again . I’d like to fit back into the jeans I could…but to be honest..wanting to ‘be back where I was’ is stupid…but I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE!

I also don’t want to be 300lbs again. Because I am NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE. My desire to shut out the world to shove food in my face is gone.

So..that leaves me with..what do I want to be?

My answer: Balanced.

My mantra is: Eat to satisfy, Work your body hard, Rest your body well.

You see I could throw up 160lbs weight goal, 30 mile runs per week etc. And I may, after I get some sleep into me, some fitness goals and some measurement goals…but NOTHING to do with weight or punishment. Our bodies want to love us..give us more than we could ever imagine..we have to sleep it, feed it, work it.

So…the wedding taught me something. I am NOT as bad as I thought I was. AND…. I don’t want to live in the present to be something that I was in the past.

What about you….how do you manage your goals for yourself? In the future, present or past comparison?

~Mish

don’t forget about ‘The Silver Maple’ giveway. Gorgeous jewellery and it closes tomorrow morning!

Thanks for all of you how have e-mailed, FBed, g-chatted, Twittered and Blog commented about my going to hospital. Wasn’t all that scary, but it’s all sorted now.

8 thoughts on “Living To Be A Past Self?

  1. Miz says:

    Im not sure if this was even your intended BUT it brought to mind the fact that, at 40, I have many friends who us old photos of themselves to BRING THEMSELVES down!

    they have pastselves pasted to their fridges as a reminder of the fact that they were “once skinny, Carla!!!” and dont live fully TODAY because they are too mired in yesterday.

    • Mish says:

      I totally know what you mean. I think that people, including myself, have used old photos as ‘motivation’…and yet it does the opposite affect.

  2. Karena says:

    I totally understand what you mean. I’d love to fit in the clothes I wore at my lowest adult weight, but I don’t want the stress and dieting and obsessive exercise habits that got me there. And were the only things that could possible KEEP me there. I want to be healthy and happy — that is all.

    I try not to compare myself to the old me. But really, she pales in comparison. Her life was all about working out and obsessing over food. My life is so much more full now.

    Personally, I think you look great just as you are. Breaking away from the scale is hard, but you might find you’re happier if you give it the cold shoulder for a while. Because you are already beautiful!

    • Mish says:

      I think that it’s exactly what I am feeling as well. I would like to fit into the clothes that I had..because they are nice clothes. However, I don’t know if I would want the exact body that I had (was skinny w/ no muscle tone) and mentally I was a drained biotch.

  3. KCLAnderson (Karen) says:

    I have definitely been mired in this kind of thinking…that there’s only two of me: the fat “before” me and the thin “after” me so what does that make me now? No one? Of course not!

    Karena I love the way you put it, because I feel the same way (about the thin “after” self): “she pales in comparison” to the much more aware, fulfilled self I am now, although I have regained some weight.

    • Mish says:

      I LOVE this “I have definitely been mired in this kind of thinking…that there’s only two of me: the fat “before” me and the thin “after” me so what does that make me now? No one? Of course not!” — so true.

  4. Reluctant Blogger says:

    Crikey, Michelle you look absolutely fantastic in that photo. Stunning.

    Me? Well, funnily enough and boringly enough I have found that routine works for me. I run three times a week (I decide when at the beginning of the week and stick to it regardless) and I walk to and from the school each day (4 miles in total) very quickly and I do yoga when I can. That works. for me. I have maintained the same weight now for months and I am happy the way I am. The minute I let go of that routine things tend to go awry.

    The good thing about routine is that you just don’t have ot think about it. It just becomes part of your life like anything else.

    Being fit feels so good.

    • Mish says:

      I think that is where I am faulting right now. Lounging around, eating crap and NOT working out have become part of my day. I think that I have seen exercise as an inconvenience in my day and I actually put WAY too much thought and planning into it. I then rebel and here I am. I think that you bring up some really good points. Thanks for writing this..you’re making me think.

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