(this was a hard post to write. i thought about not writing it, but i have to…..)
I kinda promised myself that I wouldn’t write anymore about my bingeing (in my head) because to be honest I am tired of dragging myself and more importantly you my dear faithful readers through it.
But I have to share this with you because maybe just maybe this will help one of you.
After my Chocolate Covered Koala day it sent me into a three day ‘likening’ of chocolate of which I haven’t dealt with in a long time. We’re talking at least 8oz of chocolate in about 10 minutes. Then guilt…upset tummy…etc.
Yes, I should from a purely medical standpoint shouldn’t be eating chocolate becuase it honestly doesn’t agree with my stomach. But more…IT’S COVERING UP…masking what I am.
I was on Facebook last night and just let it out to one of my friends. I have done this before but I have never been so incredibly honest. I have never said
I am AFRAID of giving up bineging, because it’s comfort to me.
I ENJOY the instant high I get from bingeing
I FEEL that I will ALWAYS SUFFER
I am an ADDICT at time when it comes to food–aka MY DRUG
I have said these things before, but it was almost like I was at the pulpit with God. You know what..this is honeslty how I REALLY FEEL. No aplogies or even guilt. Just, yep, this is Me.
Then something happened….I was given grace. “Mish, I want you to e-mail me whenever you feel a binge coming on, even if it happened.”
I lost it. I had a choice.
Do I take up her offer and release myself from the secrecy of bingeing? -or- Do I fall into the “Oh thanks hon, but I couldn’t possibly burden you with my troubles”?
I took her grace. I e-mailed myself her e-mail and it sits and will sit in my inbox for however long I need it.
I wrote to her ME “I no longer have to suffer”
I know that I have written how happy I am, because frankly I am happy. However, there is this deep dark secret that I keep from people and I can mask it with cute hair cuts, training for 1/2 marathons, pumping iron, and superficial conversations. What it does those is it robs me of my life when I am alone, it steals my ability to be close to men, and more importantly I have enabled my disordered eating to trap me into a vicious cycle of self-doubt, pseudo-dieting and emotional rollercoastering.
If someone offers and shows your grace….take it.
If you know someone needs grace…give it.
My name is Michelle. I am a blogger, an American, natural blonde, aspiring nurse, and dare I say…. a recovering disordered eater. AND— I no longer am suffering quietly with my secret.