Can I survive baking, peanut butter cookies for a friend, as a disordered eater?
I need to write this post, because I love to bake, but I have come to realise that I love to bake because it gives me an excuse to eat ‘naughty’ things. It almost always induces binging, the ‘start over’ tape in my mind and heaps of guilt. It is part of my old cycle of disordered eating that has caused me so much grief and an excuse to un-wind.
Baking is BY far the hardest thing for me to think about in my journey to over-come my disordered eating…second to potlucks.
In my attempt to ‘overcome’ the disordered voices in my head, I have tied a towel around my face, chewed gum, cut up carrots, made a cup of tea, made sure I had eaten.
But when you have disordered eating patterns and strong voices in your head it doesn’t matter you do. It’s a subconscious slippery slop that is hard to overcome.
But I am committed damn it!
I have promised my friend in Timor for six months that I’d make him something and you know what..I am going to do it. If it takes me five hours to get through mixing the butter and sugar and another five hours to get through baking them and putting them into ziplock baggies..then so be it.
But I will not be defeated. I will not be taken down my internal voices that say I am not strong enough.
I know that for some of you, perhaps, this blog sounds crazy. But let me assure you that it’s so real for me. It’s so honestly real that I have been preparing myself since yesterday. Some of your are going to say ‘Mish, then why are you putting yourself in this situation? Just buy him some packed cookies and move on.” I have thought about that. but I can’t keep running from the things which scare me. I have to deal with them. I have ran for so long, and I am ready to take my life on.
This is my reality.
Please visit # 58 of the Exposed Movement “This is me. The cellulite on my thighs, the stretchmarks on my hips”. I am always BLOWN away when people join this movement. It’s open to anyone and I would LOVE and encourage you to get involved in your own way if you’d like!