Do we just click back into what we think we are, because we can’t possibly believe that we’re anything else?
I didn’t come to Australia will a full-blown disordered eating/binging identity.
That was manifested after becoming obsessed with my weight, dieting, and an ex-man who decided that it would be healthy to introduce the notion of not being satisfied with my weight. I can’t blame any of those things, cause I took them all on board and lost the free-spirit, fiesty, organised American that I brought with me Australia.
I was struck by this post from my friend Sarah, who guest posted on her perception of her body through her wedding on eatthedamncake. I have chosen two excerpts that I thought really spoke to me
“In part, I feel like I have walked away from a war that I am contractually obliged to continue.”
“And just like in Iraq and Afghanistan, rebuilding after the war may prove to be the toughest part yet. Especially when, after two decades of war, the fight is so wrapped up in my identity that I am not entirely certain who I’d be without it.”
I sat there and thought to myself: Our struggles become our identity and if we don’t check them, then can totally rob us of living!
When some people lose weight, for instance, we don’t actually recognise, believe that we have, or want to be the ‘new’ person that we’ve become. Thus, gaining all the weight back to go back to a place, arguably that we don’t want, is about filling a comfortable identity.
That’s why abuse, eating disorders, drug addiction, and fitness…if made the SOLE identity of someone…can be incredibly damaging.
For me, as I go along on this journey of recovering from my disordered eating, binging, I have moments where I want to click back into ‘Binger Michelle’ because it feels ‘normal/safe/at-home/comfortable/deserving’.
I had a VERY close moment of giving up my over 2+ weeks of binge-free-ness when I moved back to the new place, where I found myself avoiding unpacking, trying to de-stress, and clicking back into familiar coping patterns with making chocolate chip cookies.
I ate about 3 cookies..and knew that the slope was getting slippery.
3 more to fulfill the binger identity
3 less to fulfill the unknown Michelle, but one that I know I want to work towards.
I chose the later.
Many times we are fearful of the unknown, or un-defined or the un-charted territory.
But I say…start exploring…it’s how you find hidden treasures about yourself and life.
What have you discovered about yourself that you never thought was there?
Have you ever gone back to a ‘past self’ out of comfort, even though it wasn’t good for you?