I don’t want to even write this

but I have eaten M&Ms and sour cream chips all day.

skimping out on meals…clicking back into my ‘diet’ mentality.

counting points

telling myself tomorrow I’ll start

remembering what my tummy felt like as it had to process shit.

I don’t know if it was binging…

Just a shit day.

A back slide?

A failure?

Just a simple reminder that I am not perfect.

A reminder that I have a choice to not make tomorrow the same.

I have to admit that it scares me that I feel prey to the food today.

Am I really strong enough?



26 thoughts on “I don’t want to even write this

  1. Marsha @ Green Mountain at Fox Run says:

    You go, Mish! We talk about what you’re going through as a game of chutes and ladders. you take a few steps up, then fall through a chute and find yourself back a few steps. but if you keep going, you’ll get there! Staying aware is the key, and it sounds like you are doing that.

    • Mish says:

      thank you for that..esp. since you’re someone who I admire. It’s mother truckin’ hard…but you know what? I am up that ladder A LOT more than I was a long time ago. I am proud..so proud.

  2. getwellwithkendra says:

    I’m happy to know I’m not alone (I’m finding that more and more each day!)…I had ice cream for lunch yesterday. 😦

    Glad to have found your blog (through Christie).


    • Mish says:

      none of us are ever alone. I am just so incredibly thankful..deep down in my soul…for everything that you as a reader give me..encouragement and a sense of community.

  3. Marisa @Loser for Life says:

    It’s okay, Mish. You are human and not perfect. But, you are strong and you can overcome. Revisit where you were those last 3 weeks. Feel the feeling. Feel how empowered you were. You still are. It’s in there and one little glitch is not going to destroy that. You can do this 🙂

  4. Iris says:

    Love the honesty! We all have days like that and it’s nice to hear others admit it…and even better to know that it doesn’t have to derail you. It can just be a reminder of where you once were and where you don’t want to be anymore.

  5. AiryFairie says:

    This was really brave of you to post. My flatmate always quits his (poorly-planned) diets at the first slip-up (usually about 2-3 days in). I’ve tried to example that everyone is going to have days where they slip and it’s ok! The best thing to do is forgive yourself and start again tomorrow. A bad day isn’t a failure, it’s being human. And the slipping and forgiving and starting again business is going to happen all life long.

  6. KCLAnderson (Karen) says:

    Yep…still as strong as ever! And you know what? Binges, in and of themselves, are not “bad.” They are incredible learning opportunities. When I finally got over the guilt/shame phase (mostly), I learned to view my binges more objectively. In fact, there are times I welcome them as a sort of laboratory experiment. I don’t remember the last time I binged, but I know that I am not afraid if one happens along one of these days…

    • Mish says:

      I adore this “They are incredible learning opportunities. When I finally got over the guilt/shame phase (mostly), I learned to view my binges more objectively.” — I called my friend last night and was like ‘you know what..I need to take time for myself. I need space’. That’s why I ate sh– last night. I wanted MY TIME. That’s it. It was SO clear for me. So incredibly clear. I adore you.

  7. Esther Crawford says:

    You’re human dear Michelle. Not every single day has to be a day where you eat ‘perfectly’ and healthfully. Obviously that’s just my opinion but I think the shame and frustration about ‘off’ days is worse than the actual issue of not eating healthy foods. People who have a healthy view of food have days where they eat candy + junk food too.

  8. Shannon says:

    I had one of those weekends myself! It’s so tough to feel like you’ve had a backslide when you’re trying to stay on a healthy track. But know that everyone has them and it’s okay. Every day is a new day!

  9. Kate says:

    I try never to say, “I blew it” but instead think back to what was going on right before I made the decision to eat poorly. And then make a note about what I can do next time to avoid that same error.

    If you remove some of the emotion and try to throw in the logic that those who don’t struggle as we do use, it can really help. Hard! But worth the try.

    If you tripped on the sidewalk and fell down, you wouldn’t realize you’d done it, but you’d probably think, “What caused that fall (my worn out flip flops)? Oooh, maybe I should get a new pair.”

    You wouldn’t hate yourself, ruin your whole day over that trip, and worry about tripping tomorrow. You’d do your best to not repeat that same mistake.

    So, what can you learn from those M&Ms and chips today?

  10. Ellie Di says:

    It’s just a human day, babe. It’s okay to eat M&Ms sometimes, even if that’s all you eat. Just remember that it’s not food for everyday and it doesn’t make you happy. No failure, no sliding, just M&Ms. ❤

  11. Suzanne says:

    You absolutely are strong enough! You are stronger than the chips and the m&m’s. You are stronger than the urge to binge.

    This one day does not define you. Every sunrise brings a new beginning, a new chance for success.

    You are strong!

  12. Shannon says:

    Remeber it is about the next moment. The fall only has pmower this second you can change anything in the next moment. You are right you can do it!

  13. julie says:

    Sometimes I think I do things like this just to experience guilt and remorse, maybe avoiding other feelings. If I don’t allow myself to beat myself up, I don’t seem to get the bad feelings that lead to a downward spiral. Harm reduction, at least.

  14. Miz says:

    better late than never….and dont have too too much to add except that my journey as well has been bumpy and Ive veered WAYYYY off path a times.

    those days (weeks?) when Ive lived less than my best!healthy!life! are the most challenging and yet the ones from which Ive learned the most about myself.


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