The Root Of Binges…Loneliness

It’s been 28 + 1 days of being binge free. I have had to deal with all sorts of stuff along the way.

But I had forgotten about…

LONELINESS

Holy crap…Michelle how could you have forgotten about that one? The one that lies deep within your soul. The one that you have masked with food, over-commitments socially, drunken hook-ups, and emotional commitment to emotionally unavailable men?

Remember…when you shoved your face full of stuff for weeks on end…and then texting your ex because you didn’t want to be lonely?
Remember…when you had a bit too much to drink and thought that going home with a guy was a good idea…to wake up the next morning feeling empty?
Remember…when you would hide in your room and shut your friends out…because you didn’t want them to see ‘you like this’?

Well…my lovely it came back today, in the car, in the dark.

You had been thinking ‘why am I feeling like shoving all that ice cream in my face today?’
Staving off the binger the whole day.

Perhaps it’s a bit of you making a decision not to chase after men that aren’t interested in you.
Perhaps it’s a bit of seeing all of your close friends in healthy relationships.
Perhaps it’s a bit of panicking induced by many Christian single women in their mid-upper thirties still single.
Perhaps it’s a bit of not wanting to admit..that you do feel lonely.
Perhaps it’s a bit of not knowing how to be content.

For me this whole life thing is a journey. In previous states I would have masked it over, written it off as a binge, and then tried to move on. I don’t want to admit that I am lonely. For God’s sake I have heaps of people around me, a fabulous family, and brains between my shoulders. What it boils down to is thinking that I am not complete without someone to complete me. I am defining my wholeness through a relationship…what I see others gleaning about with.

It’s hard f-ing yards people..and the notion of loneliness goes deep into the roots of my life.

But I cried a few tears. Screamed a little inside my car…and made myself go and hang out with friends. I made myself write this blog. I don’t know if I should share this with you. But what I can tell you is that I am really REALLY proud of myself for admitting it and saying:

‘ok, Michelle you’re feeling a bit lonely. you’ve made choices to remove food and hopeless men from your life. NOW IS THE TIME TO FILL IT HOW YOU WANT!’

(deep breath)

So I tuck myself into bed tonight knowing that this is how I feel. But it’s not forever.

Thanks for listening. It means a lot.

~Mish

19 thoughts on “The Root Of Binges…Loneliness

    • Mish says:

      I get that..totally. I think I am scared to really harness who I am…man it’s so complicated. but thank you…and I was looking at myself today as I walked home from the theater and I said to myself ‘remember this image michelle..this is when you are starting to get your wings’. it’s just the process of really getting nitty gritty with life..but not getting bogged down by it? I need an OK sunrise 🙂

  1. Foodie McBody says:

    Such wise words. I binged for decades from a different kind of loneliness, but it was loneliness just the same and it fueled those binges big time.

    I am really proud of you too, for coming to this knowledge. It makes a huge difference.

    I’m writing my 2nd solo performance on JUST THIS TOPIC.

  2. Deb says:

    That was a really brave and honest post. As yours always are. I know that feeling.

    Good for you for recognizing it, acknowledging it, and feeling it. Think of how much more fabulous a relationship with someone else will be, because you are so much more aware and accepting of and content with yourself. All of this hard work will pay off. It will be fantastic when it happens. And it will.

    Feel better.

    • Mish says:

      “Think of how much more fabulous a relationship with someone else will be, because you are so much more aware and accepting of and content with yourself”–that is SO true. I remember when I was on my MISSION to be skinny. He went away for five weeks and I dropped 12lbs. I remember seeing him at the gate and hoping that he thought I was thin. It wasn’t about being excited to see him or that he was excited to see me. It was about me BEING SKINNY. God that is so awful to admit. Anyways, I think that you’ve said is true. You know what is funny about this whole crap that I’ve gone through, is that even in the depths of hell with it I have always felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel..that I HAD to keep pushing through it. I have also had this hankering feeling that I wasn’t going to be in a relationship, nor did I really want to, until I felt content with who I was. All of the ‘realtionships’ that I’ve had since by ex and I broke up have been band-aids of lonely masking. I feel like so much weight has lifted off my shoulders.

  3. SeattleRunnerGirl says:

    I was in the EXACT same place as you a few years ago. SO much of my overeating was a result of being lonely. And I felt ASHAMED to be lonely, because I had a wonderful, full life. Dear family. Great friends. But you know what? There is a tiny piece of our soul that long for connection that is *different* than we connect with family and friends. And instead of just *feeling* that longing, or instead of asking God to fulfill that longing, or instead of knowing that it’s OKAY to be lonely, for goodness’ sake…well, for me, I was ashamed. So I had to fill it up with SOMETHING, and for me, it was food.

    The sad thing is that food never *did* fill it up – it was a very, very temporary fix that only made things worse in the end.

    There’s no easy answer to this; no solution other than to keep doing what you’re doing. Be yourself. Feel your feelings. Know that it is okay to be lonely; it doesn’t make you weak or small or less-than. Wanting that kind of connection? I’m convinced it’s human nature for most of us, and to deny it is to deny our very self.

    Mish, I think it’s HUGE that you are secure enough to put this out here. I know it will be a help to others in your shoes, who are wondering, too, if it makes them somehow less-than to feel lonely despite full, happy lives. And it helps me to name the feelings I felt (and tried to stuff down) for so many years. So THANK YOU for saying it out loud.

    • Mish says:

      thank you for sharing this…it’s nice to know what I am not the only one. look how far you’ve come..amazing stuff.

  4. tanyasdailyproductreviews says:

    You are too hard on yourself! It helps when you focus on the outside by doing small things for others…even opening a door for someone………a smile ,etc
    that will make you feel good…and finding a hobby that you like..hiking club. or? and YOUR man may be there!

  5. missyrayn says:

    This is a huge revelation. Getting to the root of the problem really helps even if it really hurts. And it won’t every completely go away.

    But learning to love yourself and being okay with just you and who God has made YOU to be…not with someone else but Just YOU will help you move forward to being okay with loneliness sometimes and letting others see that loneliness. It is super hard. But You can do it because you have already come so far.

  6. Sarah says:

    I don’t know if I have the right to say I am proud of you, but…I AM proud of you. For being vulnerable. For allowing yourself to feel and to notice and to make really healthy changes. Even when you really want to bury your face in ice cream to smooth it all over.
    You are beautiful and strong, and I think you made the right decision in writing what you did.
    You are incredible, Mish. Really incredible.

  7. marzipan says:

    MAN, eating when lonely. I am all too familiar with that binge trigger! Though, I’ll admit it took me a really long time to figure it out! This post was so inspirational for me, I’m going to make a list of things to do when I want to eat but am just feeling lonely or wonky.
    Thank youuu.
    xoxo

  8. KCLAnderson (Karen) says:

    I married “late” in life…I was 35. But even that wasn’t enough to tame the binges…because what I discovered is that even though I met and married a man who is the most perfect man in the world for me, I still didn’t think that *I* was enough. I wasn’t enough for me. That has changed, thank goodness. As others have said, good for you for coming to this knowledge now…you are enough for you and when the right man comes along, it will be like the frosting on the cake 🙂

    • Mish says:

      “I still didn’t think that *I* was enough.” — so true. I don’t think that I flushed it out enough on my blog post. I was a but weary of posting it because I didn’t want it to start a pity party. However, what I neglected to write, is that even when I was in a relationship I felt lonely. All of those silly relationships along the way, since then, have resulted in feeling lonely. I understand that yes, right now, the feeling has been compounded by my one single girlfriend group becoming all attached. However, what it really is..is about me finding the place in my own being to be satisfied with who I am regardless of who is in my life. If that makes sense. men/women don’t fill our holes…i think they add to our wholeness instead.

    • Mish says:

      Thank you. That means so much to me. I feel like my blog has been heavy going lately…sorry abt. that…but I am getting there.

  9. Lara (Thinspired) says:

    This post really hit home for me, Mich. Loneliness, I’ve decided, is my #1 trigger for bingeing. Any sense of it and I start to get the urge. I think that’s why I’ve found blogging and the online community in general such a comfort…instant support!

    You are wonderful, and I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

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