It’s been 28 + 1 days of being binge free. I have had to deal with all sorts of stuff along the way.
But I had forgotten about…
Holy crap…Michelle how could you have forgotten about that one? The one that lies deep within your soul. The one that you have masked with food, over-commitments socially, drunken hook-ups, and emotional commitment to emotionally unavailable men?
Remember…when you shoved your face full of stuff for weeks on end…and then texting your ex because you didn’t want to be lonely?
Remember…when you had a bit too much to drink and thought that going home with a guy was a good idea…to wake up the next morning feeling empty?
Remember…when you would hide in your room and shut your friends out…because you didn’t want them to see ‘you like this’?
Well…my lovely it came back today, in the car, in the dark.
You had been thinking ‘why am I feeling like shoving all that ice cream in my face today?’
Staving off the binger the whole day.
Perhaps it’s a bit of you making a decision not to chase after men that aren’t interested in you.
Perhaps it’s a bit of seeing all of your close friends in healthy relationships.
Perhaps it’s a bit of panicking induced by many Christian single women in their mid-upper thirties still single.
Perhaps it’s a bit of not wanting to admit..that you do feel lonely.
Perhaps it’s a bit of not knowing how to be content.
For me this whole life thing is a journey. In previous states I would have masked it over, written it off as a binge, and then tried to move on. I don’t want to admit that I am lonely. For God’s sake I have heaps of people around me, a fabulous family, and brains between my shoulders. What it boils down to is thinking that I am not complete without someone to complete me. I am defining my wholeness through a relationship…what I see others gleaning about with.
It’s hard f-ing yards people..and the notion of loneliness goes deep into the roots of my life.
But I cried a few tears. Screamed a little inside my car…and made myself go and hang out with friends. I made myself write this blog. I don’t know if I should share this with you. But what I can tell you is that I am really REALLY proud of myself for admitting it and saying:
‘ok, Michelle you’re feeling a bit lonely. you’ve made choices to remove food and hopeless men from your life. NOW IS THE TIME TO FILL IT HOW YOU WANT!’
So I tuck myself into bed tonight knowing that this is how I feel. But it’s not forever.
Thanks for listening. It means a lot.