I don’t even really want to write this post..cause really I don’t want to admit what has been travelling, seeping, penetrating my mind and thought patterns these past couple of days.
I feel like I on the the ledge of going back to WeightWatchers, Counting Calories….DIETING.
I don’t know what it is, but this whole intuitive eating thing is too f-ing hard. I just want someone to tell me how many calories to eat, how many points apples are, and how to lose weight.
I want to be skinny, thin, light, feel hot.
I am desperate to lose weight. I just want all of the inner-thigh fat to be gone, the muffin-top to disappear, my f-ing jeans that have been sitting in my closet for over 1 year not worn to fit again.
I want to feel pretty.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
I know know KNOW that I don’t want to be dieting forever. To be counting points forever. To be ever think about binging forever.
So I come to a place, perhaps a bigger crossroad, where I really have to ask myself: “Are you going to honour you body and honestly be in tune with it –or– are you going to try and go back on a diet because you don’t trust yourself/don’t want to feel emotions/don’t think you can do it?”
What it really boils down to for me, is a comparison of what I ‘used’ to be (thinner) and what I am now (heavy–or so I feel). This mental state robs me of my amazing run this morning. It robs me of my beauty. It robs me of trusting myself. It robs me of all the progress that I’ve made. It robs me of my spirit.
I just had to write this out. I need encouragement people. I need you to tell me that I can. Because come hell or high water, I never want to sacrifice who I am again.
Thanks in Advance,