I don’t even really want to write this post..cause really I don’t want to admit what has been travelling, seeping, penetrating my mind and thought patterns these past couple of days.
I feel like I on the the ledge of going back to WeightWatchers, Counting Calories….DIETING.
I don’t know what it is, but this whole intuitive eating thing is too f-ing hard. I just want someone to tell me how many calories to eat, how many points apples are, and how to lose weight.
I want to be skinny, thin, light, feel hot.
I am desperate to lose weight. I just want all of the inner-thigh fat to be gone, the muffin-top to disappear, my f-ing jeans that have been sitting in my closet for over 1 year not worn to fit again.
I want to feel pretty.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
I know know KNOW that I don’t want to be dieting forever. To be counting points forever. To be ever think about binging forever.
So I come to a place, perhaps a bigger crossroad, where I really have to ask myself: “Are you going to honour you body and honestly be in tune with it –or– are you going to try and go back on a diet because you don’t trust yourself/don’t want to feel emotions/don’t think you can do it?”
What it really boils down to for me, is a comparison of what I ‘used’ to be (thinner) and what I am now (heavy–or so I feel). This mental state robs me of my amazing run this morning. It robs me of my beauty. It robs me of trusting myself. It robs me of all the progress that I’ve made. It robs me of my spirit.
I just had to write this out. I need encouragement people. I need you to tell me that I can. Because come hell or high water, I never want to sacrifice who I am again.
Thanks in Advance,
Mish
eatingjourney.wordpress.com 
Hi Mish. I know that you can do it! Intuitive eating is the best long-term approach and yes, the road can be bumpy as we get used to listening to what our bodies want as opposed to what someone else tells us to eat to lose a few pounds. I woke up frustrated about this issue too, today. I lost a lot of weight years ago. But after injuries have really reduced my activity level since last December, I had to rethink the way I was eating. Calorie counting just didn’t work anymore, especially when I couldn’t go to spin class or a boot camp session to really burn it off. Instead, I got help in cutting out processed foods and sugar. But I’m still not the weight I was at this time last year, and it is frustrating. All of that is to say that I relate to you and even in the moment when it doesn’t make sense and I just want to wear my skinny jeans again, I know this is the best approach. And deep in your heart, you know that what you are doing is helping you long term too. So focus on how great your run was this morning, and how far you’ve come in creating a healthy life for the long-term. Hope that helps!
You can, my friend.
It is in there.
Find it.
you’re right. I do.
I don’t have a ton of insight because I’m struggling with the counting vs. intuitive eating ideas myself right now (which is why I find your blog so insightful and inspirational!), but one thing that has helped me with a lot of tough decisions in to take FEAR our of the equation. If the reason that you are favoring one decision over another is related to fear, you need to eliminate that as a reason. Rational decisions are not made based on fear. I hope you come to a conclusion that makes you happy, and please remember that it doesn’t have to be permanent. This probably feels like a BIG DEAL right now, but you are welcome to re-evaluate and change your mind next week. Take care & be kind to yourself! ~Shannon
First, hugs!
Many people live with the comparison of what they used to be and why they are now. Many times the superficial things didn’t get any better. We get older. I just went through a whole wardrobe full of jeans that used to fit and that haven’t fit me for years now. Sometimes I wonder if that smaller person was me. Where the years have gone. How I ended up in the place where I am. I feel a bit sad that she is gone, but without her I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Does that make sense?
By losing weight you don’t become who you were back then. You are stronger and smarter. You gained wisdom! The superficial things might go a bit, but more important things get better.
From the pictures you post, I can see that you’ve got a really really normal weight. You look good! Don’t blow your new way of strong and healthy thinking by going back to counting calories and points. You know that.
I don’t think you really want to go back, just that you went two steps forward and now one step back. Looking around if you’re at the right place, old insecurities kicking in. We all go there and that’s normal.
I’m reading a really interesting book about intuitive eating and against dieting. (No, it’s not Woman Food and God.) It tells all about medical research about diets and dieting, and that it doesn’t work. If you’re interested in the title, let me know.
Good luck, you’ll make the right decision!
Hang in there! These thoughts will pass.
I realized I’m so much happier when I don’t weight myself, eat healthy, exercise to get stronger, etc. When I take out the scale, it demotivate me somehow and I don’t feel like my whole self anymore. It takes away all my pride in taking the healthy road. That’s actually when I tend to go back to bingeing -when I weight myself and am insatisfied with the number despite all the goods I have done for myself by just being “healthy”.
Hang in there.
I know how you feel. Been there! But don’t give up. You are worth it. We can do anything for 24 hours. Take it one day at a time. This feeling will pass. I pray you have a wonderful rest of the day.:)
Dear Mish – I SO feel your pain. The scale said 311.0 this morning, the highest ever. I am far too scared to try intuitive eating, mostly because I do not know how to HEAR my body – just the scared child crying out.
I pray you will be able to find your way thru all this. For me, all I can work on now it that “I am NOT the number on the scale”.
Love, me
don’t stop ever. keep going. if you count calorites/points you’re whole life..go for you. but the only thing I ask..is that you love who you are the whole time 🙂
Oh Mish – I don’t know HOW to love myself. No matter how much I repeat daily “I am enough. I have enough. I do enough” it isn’t sinking in. Thanks for replying – just being noticed reminds me that I have worth.
HELL YES YOU DO!
You can do it! 🙂
In the long run, it is easier to listen to our bodies rather than deal with all the structures of diets, points, etc.
You can get there! 🙂
I love what Shannon has to say…and Mara too. That said, I’m going to say something different 🙂 If you want to go back to counting points or calories, go ahead and do it. Try it out for a day or a week and see how it feels. There’s no rule that says you have to do it for a set amount of time. We all know that this is not a linear process.
Also, and this one is hard, try and be a little more objective. View your diet (and I say this word as it was originally intended…diet = what we eat) as an experiment, not as a judgement of who you are.
But in the end, I will have to quote Christie from one her recent blogs:
“The intention behind learning how to listen to your body shouldn’t be to lose weight. I just don’t believe that intuitive eating, and trying to lose weight go hand in hand. … The primary goal of intuitive eating is to change your relationship with food, exercise and your body. For the intuitive eating process to be effective, I believe that one must focus on learning to listen to their body instead of trying to change their body. That isn’t to say that losing weight isn’t possible once you are eating intuitively, because it is possible, in fact, if you are carrying too much weight it is highly likely. But intuitive eating is about embracing who you are, on the inside and out and that includes any extra weight. In my experience, both with clients and my personal journey, I find that when weight loss is the primary goal, one tends to sabotage their own efforts by creating rules around food and eventually overeating and bingeing.”
I have found this to be true. And now that I am not focused on how much I weigh or how many calories/points I am consuming, the weight is coming off naturally.
and this comment, snapped me out of it, re-shifted my focus…and I owe you and Christie more than I know. Isn’t it funny/interesting/weird how life…can seemingly throw the same things (quotes/ideas) at you..and only when you’re ready do you listen to it? Thank you.
You wrote exactly how I have been feeling!!
YOU CAN DO IT!! YOU ARE STRONG! STAY STRONG!
I GOT YOUR BACK!!
YOU CAN DO IT!!!
MUCHLOVE, jen
Like many of the other commenters, I know these feelings all too well. And like the other commenters, that is why I come to read your posts. You’re having “one of those days”…just know that tonight the sun will set and take with it the funk that you’re feeling right now. Do you think being surrounded by youngsters all the time is contributing to your feelings? I know I’m guilty of comparing myself to others…but I’m not them. My thighs will always touch–even at my most fit (very fit, by the way), my thighs touched. I know I’m a few years older than you, and perhaps have become a bit more comfortable in my skin, but I can relate. It’s a sh!tty way to feel. We are all infinitely more judgemental of ourselves than others are of us…so know that no one else (except for those reading this) knows that you have skinny jeans that you don’t fit into anymore! Fitting into them will not change who you are or how much people love you.
Here’s to tomorrow! Stay on your path–relish in the strength of your body (you’re training for a half-marathon for pete’s sake!), the good that you do on a daily basis with your students and with all of us.
Thank you. It means so much to me…that my little crazy antics and brain dumping can touch someone. 🙂
Yes, intuitive eating is hard when you are used to restrictions, limits and rules. I’m struggling with it the same way you are. I have put on about five pounds since really trying to embrace IE. I feel like I’m carrying around a bowling ball some days. But at the end of the day, I know that honoring what my body is telling me it wants is much healthier than trying to make it fit into something that it isn’t. Remember all the amazing things your body allows you to do – including that half marathon you are going to rock in December!
Believe in yourself and your body – you can do it.
First, tell yourself — there is no WRONG answer. Whether you choose to diet or choose not to…make it a conscious choice. That’s the devil of bingeing — nobody would choose to eat the amounts we do, in the short time we do!
So, whatever you need to do…consider it a plan, not a diet, and be at peace. You can’t fail if it’s a choice. You can just decide to make one healthy decision, followed by another and then another.
very valid point. this whole journey has been interesting for me. the more i dive into it, the more I realise that life isn’t black and white. does that make sense?
There’s not a doubt in my mind. Don’t let there be one in yours either.
🙂
honey, you know I work for WW and I vehemently say every day, being on WW is NOT a diet. It’s not dieting. It’s living your life. It’s being mindful and aware of what you are putting in your body. Have you read the book SAVOR by Thich Nat Han? It’s amaaaaaazing because it is so very spiritual and all about being mindful and aware of and respecting your BODY and it’s ALSO about being aware of very practical things like knowing the reality of what you are eating. It’s possible to be mindful (and intuitive) AND to deal in numbers at the same time. That is what I am striving to do every day. I do not think that being aware of calories is contradictory to being mindful or intuitive. I believe this so strongly.
If you feel you are running in that direction out of FEAR, then really examine that. But I think it’s possible to approach that kind of awareness with CURIOSITY, ie, what would happen if I ate this? What would I feel like? What would happen to my body?
I encourage you to find what feels right to YOU. I don’t think that weighing oneself or being aware of calories or points is a failure. If those things feel wrong and they are pushing you in a bad direction, then don’t do it. But it’s not something to fear if you can do it in the context of mindfulness.
And: read SAVOR.
“I encourage you to find what feels right to YOU. I don’t think that weighing oneself or being aware of calories or points is a failure.” — as I wrote to Katy, I think that I have begun to see things as black and white, good and bad. I am really starting to look at eating/dieting etc. more as grey. I am going to continue to go down the IE journey. HOWEVER, must I add that due to WW I lost 100lbs and maintained. I just WISH WISH WISH there were more intune and solid leaders like you 🙂
Mish,
You are stunning. Absolutely stunning. You have a gorgeous heart and spirit (and body, by the way!). You do not want to squelch fullness of life by going back to old ways.
And…
I know you can do it.
All this will be worth it. Because true LIFE is difficult, but RICH.
Thank you for being so honest (and open and loving).
thank you.
Posting again because I just LOVE LOVE LOVE what Foodie had to say. One of the reasons I adore Foodie is that she’s open to everything. She’s a true both/and thinker, not an either/or thinker 🙂 And what she said made me think of this: if you’re “white knuckling” it (whatever “it” is), it won’t “work.”
Going out right now to buy SAVOR…
You have it in you, girl. No doubt about it. Your vision is slightly clouded right now, but the truth is still there! It’s inside of you!!!
I have only been following your blog for about a month, but the courage you exude by being real has already helped me in my journey to reclaim my own fortitude. Your true inner strength is revealed in your willingness to be vulnerable.
comments like these, mean more to me than you know. thank you.
Ditto to what they all said!
I, too, and trying to figure out the right path. I really like Karen’s quote from Christy’s blog. Do you know what her blog is? I’d love to check it out.
Hang in there, it can be a bitch!
Christie: http://www.honormyhealth.com —she’s an amazing amazing amazing woman… well they both are.
I really like Karen’s quote from Christie’s blog. It IS so hard though to not still think about losing weight, but to instead learn how to love ourselves the way we are.
I totally GET this post you did today because it was my same thoughts exactly. Actually about every 2 or 3 days I get the urge to grab out a notebook and plan plan plan away on meal contents/meals times/macros and I’ve managed to hold off because although I know I can do it, I can follow my “plan” and feel “in control” for a few days, I KNOW it will not last. I will rebel – even knowing that my “plan” is healthy and tasty and that there is nothing “wrong” with it, it is still a plan and it’s to lose weight and it’s NOT intuitive and I will eventually REBEL and then I’ll be back at trying to truly understand the elusive IE again. I’m hereby announcing that I”m cutting out the middle part where I torture myself with stuff I full well know will not work for me “forever” and that’s why I believe in my heart that IE is the way to go.
Thanks for being so honest today about your difficulty. You said what I was feeling!
“I’m hereby announcing that I”m cutting out the middle part where I torture myself with stuff I full well know will not work for me “forever” and that’s why I believe in my heart that IE is the way to go.” — WOOT! Because it’s what you need. Not cause it’s what everyone else needs and/or says is the right thing. It’s what you need.
Mish!
Of course you can do this! Yes its hard, yes its scary, yes theres a fear of falling off track. But you’re doing it. Your previous posts prove this. It’s not one of those overnight things, but you’re sticking with it and you’re learning with each setback you have. Its all one big road of trial and error. You’ve been a huge inspiration to all of your readers. If Shell can’t do it, no one can! 🙂
In your post a few days ago, you mentioned-
‘But I am here to say…bring them on. I am ready. I will never go down the road I’ve always taken….it’s never gotten me to where I want to be.’
Just remember that you want to take the road less traveled, you want the challenge and you want to succeed, just like you have with moving to Australia, just like you have with mentoring and helping all the new kids you have. Just like you’re going to succeed with the Vegas trip and other various events you’ll live through.
You also commented-
‘Love yourself. Every day.’
You have such an amazing, outgoing, nurturing personality. You’re beautiful and gorgeous as you are right now. Remember that YOU are the only person that has to be happy with you. You should feel hot chicka! Feel sexy, and important, and empowered. Feel Amazing. Look at everything you’ve accomplished in these few short years.
When you get down on yourself, pull out those cards. Or break out some new encouraging statements:
‘What I did do is write on note cards all of the things which bring my JOY/PEACE/HAPPINESS.
What I did do is write down all of the things that I LOVE about myself.’
Maybe you can even throw some of these on your ceiling, or on your bathroom mirror, places where you will always be able to catch a glimpse.
And whatever you do, just remember that only a short while ago, you were able to confidently state:
‘ But I am overcoming this notion with the thought that I am ENOUGH RIGHT NOW! ‘
You’ve worked so hard. Don’t forget that. You’ve done what thousands of people are too afraid to do, you’ve worked for what you want. You’ve admitted your setbacks you’ve admitted your missed attempts, you’re STILL working toward your own happiness. You should be patting yourself on the back for all your hard work, silly!
I think i can speak for all of your readers when I say we love you. You inspire, pickup, and motivate each and everyone of us in more than one way. You keep rocking chick, and we’ll be here whenever you need us! 🙂
❤
You can do it! I’m at my goal weight and I still have the inner thigh thing and stuff that I wish wasn’t there. Someone telling you how to live and eat won’t make all the things you worry about go away. You need to love you from the inside to be okay with feeding your needs not your wants.
I’m in no way perfect at this. But YOU CAN DO IT! You can break that cycle and feed for fuel not for points values. It is hella hard but you are an amazingly powerful woman of God who can do it. DOn’t feel you have to live by others. It won’t happen over night but it will happen. (I’m still on the process but this vacation has been so freeing to eat as I’m hungry and stop when I’m full.)
Things that are worth having are NEVER easy. I know that answer sucks, but it is so true. You will get through this a stronger person. 🙂
P.S. Thank you for the necklace that I won! I just received it a couple of days ago!
You can do it Mish! Don’t spend your time trying to live up to someone else’s ideals – you know what you want for yourself, and you are your own unique person!
~C @ http://americancowgurl.wordpress.com
Hi! I just found your blog via Trimommy and have been instantly inspired. Thanks.
You have so much inner strength, you can beat these feelings. Whatever method you choose for eating and taking care of your body remember that you control it. The method does not control you.
You amaze us all on a daily basis just by being your awesome self. Right now you need to be reminded of that. Go back and read your words, look at the inspiration you are, remember how strong you are in spirit, mind, courage, and body. We all have moments of doubt and struggle but you will beat this.
This may be silly to quote but my absolute favorite line from a song (from The Secret Garden, the musical) is “It’s this day not you that’s bound to go away.” I used to remind myself of that all the time.
Oh, I KNOW you can do it. I find myself slipping back into old habits all of the time too because you’re right – Intuitive Eating IS hard when you are an emotional eater. Think about all the progress you have made. Compare who you are now to who you were when you were in a relationship with a certain someone and trying to lose weight – for him. This is all you, baby. And I can’t think of a better reason to want to succeed. You will struggle with this urge for a while, no doubt. But remember that each time you renew your commitment to become an Intuitive Eater, you will become stronger. Does renewing your commitment to diet help you become stronger? No. It only encourages you to focus on the wrong things, even if, like under Weight Watchers, it’s under the premise of ‘giving you the tools to live a healthy lifestyle. It doesn’t. It helps you lose weight in the short term, and teaches you to stop listening to your body and start listening to a tally of numbers. You don’t want all those numbers swimming around in your head. You need to make room for all of the things you are learning in nursing school!
❤
Mish – you have so many people sending lots of love and happy vibes your way. Listen to your heart – and the rest will follow. You are strong – and you can do this 🙂
Mish- First off I want to say you are doing a great job. You are actually the one who connected me through your blog to an intuitive eater and a recovering compulsive eater (confessionsofacompulsiveeater.com). I am currently on this journey myself and haven’t made a complete transition into intuitive eating. I am still trying to stay within a target calorie range (based upon my intense exercise that I still feel the need to keep up). I wish I could also get rid of my food scales, measuring cups, etc. I don’t have the weight scale issues anymore since I don’t weigh myself. Anyway, it is so freakin’ scary to just let my body eat what it wants. I am taking those small steps before I know I am ready to get there. I have been reading, Intuitive Eating A revoluntary Program that Works by Evelyn Tribole and if you haven’t read it…I would highly recommend it. 🙂 Seriously…don’t do the diet thing. It will only lead to binges and overeating.
Thank you for writing this. I tried to get into that book and didn’t like it. HOWEVER, if it’s working for you..do it! I totally know what you mean about not wanting to let go of the food scales/calories etc. I get it so hard core. Keep going lovely, you’ll get to that place where you want to be. Thanks for commenting!
I also want to add that you LOOK incredibly gorgeous and healthy to me. You may have been lighter or thinner at some other point, but I have to say, you look amazing right now. You’re young and absolutely beautiful.
Believe me, when you are my age (51 this week!) you will look back on photos of yourself and say, OMG why did I not LOVE and enjoy every single second I looked like this?? Because you are so incredibly young, healthy, vibrant and dazzling right now. Enjoy your loveliness. For real.
Thank you (learning to take a compliment from Miz) It means a lot that you write those things, it truley does. It make me stop and think about the mental games I play with myself. There are MANY times when I look at photos and wonder why I am so fussed. I am beginning to see myself the way I want to. Vibrant. 🙂
Mish – There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you can do this but it is a mind game we have to play. Maybe WW, counting calories or just journaling your food would help get you there but you have to believe in you. I do!