Falling On Gravel

I was asked by Ryan today how I was going on Twitter.
My response: ‘Today was as rough as gravel’

I binged today.

I knew the whole time that I was doing it.

I earlier had a great conversation with Christie on skype, praising how far I had come..and then my day got away from me. My last three and a half weeks have gotten away from me. I have let my life drag me a long. I have turned into an un-focused, sugar craving, release needing, snappy woman.

I am not LIVING in my life.

I am not here to outline my master plan to bring the spunk back into my life. I have done that before. I am actually here to say I crashed and burned today. I hit the gravel hard and I’ve got scraped knees and stinging hands.

However, I know why!

I am NOT taking care of myself. Nurturing myself. Honrouing myself.

I am trying to avoid the chaos and demands of my life. I am ‘scared’ of what I have to deal with and afraid that I can’t do it. So I release this mental chatter with binges. With snapping back. With wanting to go back on a diet. Forgetting to just get shit done.

Perhaps you’ve gone through this before. Maybe you haven’t. I got so angry with the way that I acted tonight that I threw my shoes at the wall and screamed. I had to let it out.

I won’t give up. Never. I will keep demanding that I face this, pick up my shoes and move on.

More importantly, I AM starting to demanding that I put my life at a pace I can manage, doing things for myself, and offering kindness to who I am.

Thank you for slogging through with me this week..you are all an amazing support and give me wings/grace/drive when I don’t think I have any left.

When you throw ‘your shoes against a wall’, what makes you go and pick them up?


13 thoughts on “Falling On Gravel

  1. It All Changes says:

    My mom is my huge support. I can always call her when I’ve had that “eaten and entire bag of chocolate chips and can’t move” moment. She helps me put it in perspective and realize, YES I screwed up but that it doesn’t define me. It defines the stress I was under and that I didn’t handle it well. I am not the sum of the food I eat…I am an ever growing changing person who will fall flat on my face at times but needs to get up because the ground isn’t that comfortable.

    • Mish says:

      “It defines the stress I was under and that I didn’t handle it well.” —LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS! That, my friend, it exactly what it is. AND, I can change how I react!

  2. Kate says:

    We all fall flat on our faces sometimes. And occasionally it’s a season of flat-faced-ness. And it stinks. But God is strong enough to pull you out of your pit, and He’s really good at it 🙂 Rest in His strength, put your heavy burden on Him, and trust!!

  3. Megan @ Healthy Hoggin says:

    This is just a little hiccup! Don’t make the binge bigger than what it is– you still are ON TRACK to beating this! I know as soon as I think I’ve failed, then I pretty much talk myself into doing just that! Pick yourself up, and treat yourself kindly! Don’t beat yourself. Don’t do anything drastic. Focus on one day at a time– take care of yourself TODAY. Then do it again tomorrow.

    I think it’s less overwhelming to just deal with the moment at hand, rather than getting overwhelmed by a HUGE commitment to change! Just focus on loving yourself today, and then the rest will fall into place. You can do it! 😀

    • Mish says:

      I think it’s less overwhelming to just deal with the moment at hand, rather than getting overwhelmed by a HUGE commitment to change! Just focus on loving yourself today, and then the rest will fall into place. You can do it!” — Thank you for that. I actually don’t feel ‘like crap’ this morning..other than physically. However, I actually in a weird way feel more determined and ready than I ever have. Thanks so much for you support.

  4. KCLAnderson (Karen) says:

    I have come view binges as a gift, believe it or not. I think it’s because, like you, I totally aware when it’s happening. I used to say, “I’ll never binge again” but now I know better. And believe it or not, they don’t happen nearly as much as they used to and I think it’s mainly because I’ve given myself permission to eat what I want when I want it. And to be myself.

    Let me ask you this: how do you feel that you’re not living in your life? How are you NOT taking care of yourself. Nurturing yourself. Honoring yourself? Because from where I sit, it seems to me that you are.

    What’s empty?

    • Mish says:

      I have not felt like I have been getting things done, esp w/ school. I am trying to pack TOO much into my days. So it’s actually about me saying this is a priority (working out/sleeping/school) and then fitting other things into my life. Saying, sorry can’t go out every single night, or during the days for coffees. I actually WANT and NEED to feel like I have some control over my things to do list. If that makes sense. Otherwise I feel like I am respecting who I am and learning from where I am from. I am also finally FINALLY getting angry w/ my past and moving on. HUGE impact last night, bit the WFG audiobook and listened to the prologue sobbing..I just am craving her words…they’re really impacting me at the moment.

      Thank you always for your kind words.

  5. Sarah says:

    Despite the fact that I keep screwing up, I just don’t want to get to the end of life and see that I haven’t really lived. I don’t want to stay in my shell, don’t want to avoid risks, don’t want to play it safe…even though that is sometimes what I really want to do. So I keep trying. Because completely giving up would be my biggest regret, as far as I can tell.

  6. Hope says:

    When I throw my shoes agains the wall, what makes me go and pick them up is knowing how far I’ve come. There is always a new day. Even if I fail and fall on my face one day, there is always a new day to start over.

    I’m in the same place right now: Starting over. Granted, not from the beginning, but I’ve slid a little, but I’m getting back to it. We’re all in this together, and I believe in you!

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