Mirror Mirror…

I was looking at myself in the mirror today…and I HATED what I saw. I actually tried on a pair of jeans, after getting on the scale–God save me–, and I just cried.

All I could see was everything that I hate HATE about my body.

I laid down. Just told myself that it’s OK to feel these feelings. That I have been over-eating. That I am stressed. Tired. Annoyed.

BUT

I have come SO damn far. That I will get there. I gathered myself together. Didn’t want anything to eat (success) and got on with my day.

I have fought with the mirror my whole life. I could honestly present that EXACT same person in the mirror and depending on what food I have eaten, what number on the scale I am …. my spirit within me is determined. I lose track of my progress and focus TOTALLY on what outside forces say about me..and that is what I see in the mirror.

So, I decided to take my own sorrows into my hands and do a little photo shot. Me, my un-make-uped-post-school face, in old holy yoga pants.

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I may not be a number on the scale that I think I should be.

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Or a certain pants size.

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BUT I have my damn spirit…and I wont give that away again. It’s not found on a scale, in a pants size, in a calorie allotment, in cookies/ice cream/chocolate…its found INSIDE OF ME…OF YOU!

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So Mirror Mirror on the Wall…I am the most spirit-filled of all.

~Mish

20 thoughts on “Mirror Mirror…

  1. Donna says:

    Ohhhhhhh, Mish … been there, felt that. I love your outlook, though. Stay positive. And what an AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL smile you have! That last pic made ME smile. I think I heard Christina Aguilera singing “You are beautiful” in the background. =)

    • Mish says:

      It’s so interesting, because when I was looking at the photos I was thinking ‘What the hellz bellz are you worrying about woman? You look great so stop it!’ I don’t mean that to be arrogant..I just think that the disconnect between what we are and what we think we are is really big for some people—ME.

      • Donna says:

        No, I know what you mean. Was just talking to a friend today – I’d emailed him a recent photo of my kids and I at a ball game. I said, ‘I think that’s the best picture my husband’s ever taken of me. The lighting is perfect.” He said, “It’s not the light. It’s you.” I guess I just don’t think of it like that, but wow, that was really nice to hear. Big ego boost and it made me feel great. I just need to do it more for myself!

  2. Jack Sh*t says:

    Okay, I joke and josh with you a lot, but I kid you not on this one: you’re beautiful, kiddo.

    It’s funny (in a strange way, not a ha-ha one, but when I was at my heaviest and most out of shape, I could look at myself in the mirror and convince myself that I looked pretty-much okay; then I’d see a snapshot of myself out in the world and the sad truth would sink in.

    Today, I find that I experience the exact opposite sensation: I look at myself in the mirror and all I see are flaws and imperfections. Then I see a photograph and say to myself, “Looking good, stud!” And yes, I often refer to myself as “stud”…

    • Mish says:

      For some weird reason…you always make me tear up…I think of you as a Dad..is that weird? Well, it’s a compliment. Thank you for always being such an inspiration.

  3. Suzi says:

    So you basically described my morning, except for the picture taking and beautiful smile. But like you, I chose to pick up myself (and my book) took a deep breath and decided not to beat myself up. I chose to stop eating when I was full at lunch and am trying to eat only when I am truly hungry. All this time I had been kidding myself that I never had issues with food….but as I was talking to someone day I was recalling a memory of dieting when I was 9…yikes! So, inspired by you and your journey, I go on today trying to be kind to myself–slowly rekindling my spirit. Thanks for the virtual hug!

  4. Runtothefinish says:

    Great post!! Took me a long time to choose to love my body for my own mental health… It doesn’t happen everyday but when I can focus on the great things it does for me like running I feel better

  5. Kadee says:

    honestly, you look amazing!! I haven’t seen you since the corvallis fitniss center almost 9 years ago.
    I have been following your blogs and I have been very encourage by you and I admire how honest you are. I completely identify with overeating and the next day feeling so frustrated and defeated and fat. But you are right it is so important to pick ourselves back up and keep going. And even though being healthy is important, it is our spirit that makes us beautiful!

  6. amandapanda1981 says:

    Ugggh that mirror…yes…it is amazing how much it can affect ones mood. I would like to say I like to look at my old pictures of my former heavier self. I realize I have came along way. I have also being trying to tell myself that my journey on recovering from my complusive eating is something that will make me better, stronger, and happier. Hard to tell since I am in the early stages of this process.

    • Mish says:

      It will..in ways that will surprise you. Enjoy this journey and love everything about it..even the hard bits. Reach out when you need to..and NEVER stop moving forward!

  7. moonduster (Becky) says:

    Love this post! I think we all have the tendency of falling into the trap of letting the scale or other influences keep us from feeling truly happy with ourselves.

    By the way, you are adorable!

  8. DancesWithHooves says:

    Oh wow, Mish. It’s like you know the thoughts that I’m fighting in MY head. I feel the same way over and over again. And then I’ll see a picture of myself, and go “wow – I didn’t realize I look THAT good!” The person in the mirror is NOT the same person I see in photographs, and it puts me in this same cycle you speak of. Thanks for helping to bring this to light for me. I, too, am not gonna let any of these “mind games” ruin MY spirit!!!

    Blessings,
    ~C @ http://americancowgurl.wordpress.com

  9. Sarah says:

    I can totally relate. With all of it.
    But you know, I adore your photo shoot. You look gorgeous, attractive, and full of life.

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