I don’t even know what to say…but when I last published an entry on 20/8/2010 I had just started my Nursing degree, hadn’t met my fiance, adopted two cats, or bought three chickens…or geeze…became a nurse.
I guess part of any journey in life is looking back…a bit. And lets be totally honest, when I scrolled through the over 900 posts I had written I had realised that a lot of my food demons are still present in my life. BUT, I have moved on with a lot of them as well. I am NO where near my lowest weight which I blogged about on my birthday five years ago. I’m also nowhere NEAR as unhappy as I was on that day. I remember it.
After a tragedy, I think God gives us a period of numbing as a kind of grace ~Donald Miller “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”
I’m not exactly sure that I’d go on record as saying my first relationship and subsequent breakup sparked a ‘tragedy’, but at points it felt tragic. It felt desperately exhausting to be consumed with such negative places, such demons in my head, such desperation to FIX my relationship with food..that perhaps it would be considered a tragedy of sorts.
And I do believe that we grow from where we are, from what the universe gives us (for some people they’d call it life, some the Divine plan). All I know is that I’m grateful. Yes, I said it. I’m grateful for my eating issues, for gaining weight back, for having to push through the crud. Why? Because it’s made me realise more about who I am, that I do have a strong faith that catapults me when I’m in my depths, that men do love women no matter what, and that there is the room to change…at any time in our lives.
‘Don, when something hard happens to you, you have two choices in how to deal with it. You can either get bitter or better. I chose to get better. It’s made all the difference.’ ~Donald Miller “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”
I’m not exactly sure what sparked my drive to come back. To dust off the shelves and open the curtains of this blog. Perhaps it’s because I have felt the internal shift of wanting to ‘draw the line’ and recognise that I DON’T want to be a victim. Or perhaps it’s because I want to share my struggles, because so many people don’t want to talk about their issues with food…it’s the little secret you have with yourself, the quite house, and the ice cream container.
More importantly, I’ve realised that I’ve wanted to actively live. Not just got to work, clean the house, and sleep. Like, live! LIVE!
We have to force ourselves to create these scenes. We have to get up off the couch and turn the television off, we have to blow up the inner-tubes and head to the river. We have to write the poem and deliver it in person. We have to pull the car off the road and hike to the top of the hill. We have to put on our suits, we have to dance at weddings. ~Donald Miller “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”
Are you LIVING in the most present? Looking back how were your last 3 years?