Last night I was talking with Andrew. I was telling him that I’m doing this blogging thing (writing for 31 days). You see, Andrew would NEVER write on one topic (well maybe his beloved sports team)..and when I told him it was about ‘living’ he looked at me like I had four heads.
We continued talking and I asked him: “Do you ever feel pressure to be perfect?”
Lets be honest people, I feel pressure a lot to be perfect. I still go home thinking about and oftentimes waking up in the middle of night thinking about the things that I did or didn’t do at work. Things I should have said. I think about making others happy. I think about my calorie goal. The fact that I am NO WHERE near my lowest weight. The fact that I can’t even do intuitive eating right. I’m already cleaning the windows on the house, seven weeks before we have guests. I stress about work before I even get there because I don’t think I can control the chaos of it. I love perfection, it’s where I thrive.
I strive to be perfect. In fact, it’s one of my go-to sayings when solidifying things “PERFECT!” I’ll say. I just love the idea of things being neat, tidy, orderly…perfect. It is just how I tick along.
It’s also exhausting. Being PERFECT is a crazy way to live. His response: But, baby, I am perfect. WHAT?!?!?!?! He thinks he’s perfect….well….what about all the clothes that are left on the floor? But to HIM, he’s perfect. He doesn’t feel guilty about food. He doesn’t obsess about work. He doesn’t sit in front of the mirror picking about who he is, what he looks like, what he hates about himself. For him, right now, he’s perfect. I don’t know why that was so powerful for me, but it was. It lends itself to the whole way in which we choose to live our lives. Do we sit around trying to always be the unattainable ‘perfect’ ideal…or…do we just think RIGHT.NOW. I’m pretty fucking awesome? Dare I say damn close to perfection?
It reminded me of the very simple notion…that God doesn’t demand us to perfect…he simply asks for us to ‘come home’ and love God, ourselves and or neighbor. I know that there are commandments which over-arch the whole idea of sinning, etc. We’re sinners. We’ll never ever be perfect. What what we are commanded to do over all others things…is to love.
Striving for perfection, for outwardly goals, to me isn’t always bathed in love. Oftentimes you see, for example, strict weight loss bloggers either going into a state of obsession, lack of care falling right off the bandwagon…or in those beautiful instances the deep realisation that they don’t have to be perfect. They just have to be. They choose to relax, live a healthy life, eat healthy mostly and move on from the death grip of perfection. Perhaps, they learn to love who they are, thus investing in the positive aspects of their lives which give them life. Not perfection.
I think as we get older, we learn that being perfect isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. There is something beautiful about just being who you are, thinking that your perfect, and loving life. It’s all about how you want to live. I’m learning to be ok with not being perfect, not being driven by guilt and most importantly knowing that I am giving my best…and that’s enough.