This past year I decided that I was really going to work on me, my perception of myself and my food stuff.
I’ve bounced around with dieting, I’ve toyed with my relationship with exercise, I’ve also let a lot of things go. I’ve gotten really honest with myself…which has resulted in more apologetic conversations with Andrew then I’d like to acknowledge. I wanted to align myself in a space where I felt compelled and comfortable in my own growth. I really wanted to get my heart and mind in the right space for raising kids. I didn’t think I would have gotten prego this early, but perhaps there was a more divine plan.
Sometime we have to re-hash our hurt, because it does serve a purpose. We have to let ourselve unwind at it’s own pace in order to move on.
To be honest I have begun to identify less with the struggles of my past. I have not lost any weight this year, in fact before I was prego had gained weight. I had to let myself be where I was. I had to go through all of the old tapes and ‘bad foods’ and binges and distorted mental patterns around how I had food, exercise, sleep and stress in my life. I remember reading a section in Geneen Roth’s book, Women Food and God, where she talks about how she ate dessert for a month until she decided that it didn’t fulfill anything anymore.
My purpose is no longer to re-hash the hurt and live a life of struggle. My life is to be part of shaping someone else BY allowing myself to re-shape my own without the hurt being the epicenter of my change.
So when I got an out-of-the-blue e-mail for my ex, of whom I let his words destroy me for years, saying
I’m so inspired by who you are and how you live your life
I knew that I had become my own cheerleader. There was so much I could have said…and all that was appropriate was Thank You. Because although maybe even six months ago those words would have been something that I felt I would have needed for the past five years…I don’t need them anymore to validate who I am. I’ve become my own cheerleader.
This is the woman I want to be in my children’s eyes.