I like to be in control of things. I like the idea that I can avert risk, that I can sit back and pretty much know how to deal with the workings of the day. When I first started nursing I had panic attacks. In fact, a week before the wedding I had the worst I had ever had. Uncontrollable sobbing for about three hours. Just couldn’t keep it all together, or so it felt like.
My boss said to me the other day “getting married, having a baby, and selling a house are the three most stressful things one can go through. And, well congrats you’re doing them all in less than a year!”
Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my s–t.
Sometimes my need to push myself, be perfect and in control….I hit the sweet spot of losing it all.
It has taken me a long time to understand that ‘sweet spot’. It takes A LOT of trial and error…snot nosed sobs to friends…and in my instance a lot of carbs and exercise punishment as my vices for trying to carve out escapism and control.
The ‘sweet spot’ of feeling like your gonna lose your s–t is a place that so often we pass and think “if only I had JUST listened to me body, my urges, my exhaustion, my over analysis, my sensitivity, my tears, my ramping up of food/exercise control”
If only I had acknowledge that I was pushing, demanding, needing to control life, signing up for too much, expecting it to all be perfect.
I texted my friend this week
The delicate sweet spot in life when it just feels like a tinge bit too much. That point
And you know what….I was DAMN proud of myself for saying that. For being able to say “WAIT A SECOND…I’m feeling overwhelmed.” There is a LOT of strength is ‘waving the white flag’ and acknowledging where you are. It’s not a blame game, it’s not a moment of ‘well, there we go again…I knew you’d get here…when are you gonna learn?”
In fact I think it’s the complete opposite. You’ve acknowledge, sent out the red flair and stopped. It’s the moment when instead of trying to call the SOS when your ship is nearly sinking in a torrential storm…you call it when a bit of water is being taken on board. Before you start sinking.
So listen. Reflect upon when if feels like to loose your s–t and what signals you had before. Sit with the fact that sometimes life be nutso. Sit with the fact that sometimes (even when you’ve renovated your house while doing nights shifts and made it the sparkliest it’s ever been you only get one viewing). Sit with it all.
Say what you need to yourself and those around you.
Don’t push the signals. You’ll miss the glory of the sweet spot.