I hit 36 weeks this week.
We’ve been moving house, renovating and settling into the ‘dream’ house that we’ve lusted after for about a year. It’s nothing flash, it’s exactly what we wanted. Space, land, trees, fields, neighbors…but no fences.
Maybe it’s the storm that’s blowing through or the sudden onset of exhaustion….but at 36 weeks I’m turning into a reflective mush pool.
It was a year ago that we were in the final stages of planning our engagement party.
The we found out we were expecting.
Then we got married.
I started a new job working as a charge nurse/shift coordinator in a brand new critical care unit
Sold our house
Bought a new one and renovated
It’s been a gigantic year and I’m just settling down, truly stopping for the first time in what seems to be a year. When we found out that we were expecting I made a conscious effort to surround myself with like minded people. And I’ve been blessed beyond comparison. We both were the sheep being led in the pasture, until we decided to make some choices for ourselves which suited both of us. Midwifery driven care, a doula and a fantastically supportive doctor! I have learned throughout the pregnancy to listen and trust your gut. To go with what works best of you, and your partner, and never bow down.
It’s brought up a lot of issues, especially with food, that I’ve battled throughout the pregnancy. It’s cleansed a lot of things for me, it’s made me trust myself a lot more and it’s opened my eyes to so much about my relationship with food, exercise and rest.
More though, I think what it’s enabled me to feel is love. To love something (which is currently kicking me in my ribs) so profoundly that you weep with terror and excitement in the same tear. Where you think about the things that you do, the way in which you want to bring the little one into the world, how you want to nurture the relationship with your partner…all of it. I’m not idealistic in my approach to having a newborn or birth. I know that they are going to be hard yards, huge learning curves and probably some of the best and worst times of our lives.
But I’m ok with that.
I wouldn’t have thought a year ago that I would have been able to love my husband anymore than I do…and I do. It’s a different kind of love. A deeper and more holistic gratefulness in knowing that we’re together. The weeks of moving, renovating and preparing for the baby have left me so incredibly grateful for our marriage. For the simple fact that he shows up every.single.day to love and uplift me. It’s something which I’m striving to do for him…I’d have to admit he does a better job.
I never thought that I’d some how be in a space, due to being pregnant, that I could feel my soul shift. Where I’d find myself in our last doula meeting chocking back tears because we’re almost there and the enveloping terror and excitement and love is so profound that it’s overwhelming. I’ve learned to not hide from it anymore. I’ve learned to be more open. To be more forgiving (especially of myself) and to be more honest with what I need. I’ve also learned to relax a lot more, to take naps and to say “sorry, but I actually can’t do that.”
So, I’ll go about the next four weeks slowly…at tortoise pace. Relishing naps, fires and the impeding winter weather. Just soaking it all in.