10 Oreos or 2 Carrots

When I first met Andrew, I knew that he was different. I could open my heart to him…and that really scared me. My food issues, my deep rooted spirutal emptiness, was something that I kept to myself. I didn’t want, do not want, people to know that I ate/eat pans of brownies. That when I sometimes get home from a hard shift I would sit and eat bowls and bowls of ice cream.

I liked to keep my guilt, shame and secrets to myself.

Guilt wrapped in shame is a terrible burden to carry. ~Made To Crave

I remember telling him very mildly about my food issues…and then opening up to him in some sort of torrential avalanche of worry, shame, guilt and hoping of acceptance. He never ever looked away. He has ALWAYS been by my side. He’s been by my side when I’ve called him at work already binged or about to binge. He’s been there to hold me while I sobbed after such an event or right before because whatever I am needing to deal with felt bigger than life itself.

He loves me after giving birth.

He has loved me when I haven’t been able to love myself.

I got through periods of being physically and spiritually attune. Then I slip back. They’re interwoven for me. When I’m spiritually wonked, I’m eating crap. When I’m balanced I honour my body; I don’t stuff down the emptiness, stress, tired, worry, exhaustion, guilt, shame with Betty Crocker frosting. When I’m loving myself I find myself more connected to my daughter, husband and ultimately God.

The fear is that we aren’t loved. The fear is that whatever we don’t want to admit to ourselves is bigger than we can handle. The fear that we will never be able to get out of the old patterns of behaviour.

Battling something so raw, so deeply personal was hard; knowing my failures were apparent to everyone else added humiliation to my toxic stew of emotions. ~Made to Crave

The truth is that the burden isn’t ours to wallow in, we are loved. We are loved at whatever weight, whatever size, if we’ve eaten 10 Oreos or 2 carrots sticks. If we finished the running program or we didn’t. We are loved if we haven’t showered in days, or if our office is a mess or if we sobbed it out.

We are loved.

We do not have to live in shame or guilt.

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand ~Isaiah 41:10

Mish xo

 

2 thoughts on “10 Oreos or 2 Carrots

  1. KCLAnderson (Karen) says:

    I’m pretty sure I’ve said this to you before…and if not, I know I’ve said it “out there” and you may have read it: the unconditional love that Tim has shown me and modeled for me has been a HUGE part of my healing from binge eating and other self-destructive behaviors. My heart swells with joy knowing you have that now too.

    • Mish says:

      yes. it’s amazing being shown unconditional love. I’ve had to let myself experience it, because for so long (and at times still) it feels very foreign.

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