I had AInslie in her bouncy chair (the only thing that girl will nap in during the day) and I decided to read outloud. “Surprised by Motherhood” is such an amazing book. I have nodded my head so many times and for some reason this passage made me weep
There is no part of our everyday, wash-and-repeat routine of kids and laundry and life and fights and worries and playdates and aching budgets and preschool orientations and work and marriage and love and new life and bedtime marathons that Jesus doesn’t look deep into and say, “That is Mine.”
In Him all things hold together
I just looked at her, falling asleep, me reading…and realising that there is something so divine about our relationship. Something so much bigger and stronger than my own love for her. It’s what has bound us together. To know that you’re loved beyond your own transgressions, exhaustion, sin and mistakes is something that I’ve have a hard time wrapping my head around. I’m loved no matter where I am, not matter what I weigh, no matter what I eat, no matter what. That eternal love is profound.
When I look at her I love her more and more. I love her deeper and harder and wider and more purposefully. I realise that each moment with her is precious and that they are fleeting because she’s growing every.single.day. I also know that in the midst of my own issues, struggles, battles, headspace energy sucking days in my journey in recovering with food…I am loved. The truth is that. I am loved no matter what. When I binge, when I contemplate binging, when I overeat, and wallow… it’s NEVER from a place of love. It’s desperation to overcome feelings that feel so profoundly overwhelmingly negative that the only escape is to stuff.
It’s never from a place of love.
It’s also never from a place of truth.
The Bible tells us that we can be rooted in love, not emptiness that was have the power to choose truth; and that as we comprehend the love of Christ, we will be filled to the measure of fullness — not of the brownie — but of God ~Made to Crave
The truth is that I have emotional baggage I have to work through. The truth for me is that I’m worth (we’re worth) working through that emotional hurt. There have been times when it’s felt bigger than life itself, because well it has been…and also I’ve made it. I have only recently started to really let love work through it. God loves me no matter what. It doesn’t excuse poor eating choices, but it elevates the need to go, and to go back, and to go back to the old patterns of coping. It alleviates the desire to run from the place where I do not feel love for myself…when really what I desire is peace with it all.
Sometimes we need to take a step back and stop tearing it all apart, but to recognise that we are woven together with something bigger, deeper, more steadfast and gracious then we’ve could ever know.
I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that it was easy to just sit back and let my soul marinade in God’s love for me. It hasn’t been. It hasn’t been because I haven’t felt worthy. Because for so long I’ve just hammered myself, punished myself and neglected nourishing my soul. It’s taken effort and acknowledgement and practice to let God, my husband and my baby love me. Truly, and deeply love me. It is one of the best things I’ve done.