Today I started crying at 0715 and didn’t stop the intermittent breakdowns until I strapped my kid into our Manduca and hit the path along the creek behind our house…around 0930.
Maybe I’m a hot mess?
I also have changed my child’s outfit three times today due to saturation from vomit, pee and poop..or a combo of all three. Sometimes you just have to give in, put a diaper on and wrap them up in a blanket…it’s all just too much.
I’ve learned that the best thing for me to do is to: ask where all the tears are from.
I started Crossfit a fortnight ago (two weeks) because I wanted me time. I realised, quickly that I had to sacrifice my morning sleep (0530 class meant with the 0300 feed I was essentially up from 0300 onwards) or if I went to the 1730 or 1830 class I didn’t see my husband for pretty much the whole night.
More though, my body isn’t ready. It’s a combo of a pretty lazy pregnancy and also having just given birth 9 weeks ago. Maybe I’m being soft….Maybe I’m finally saying “yes I’m listening.” I wanted CrossFit to work badly. I really wanted to be THAT girl/wife/mom who had it ALL together. Could find time to do EVERYTHING…superMOM from the word go. I wanted my body to bounce back, for my husband to have less squish to poke. For the weight to fly off like it did the week after I gave birth.
I wanted to full throttle my life. I wanted, really, to reduce the anxiety laden fear that I’d NEVER loose the baby weight and I’d be squishy and fat forever. (That’s what I’ve held onto for five years, I’d fed the anxiety laden thought. I’ve bought into that so many times. The only way I’ve ever tried to control it is yo-yo dieting and crazy exercise regimes I can’t and don’t have the heart to maintain. I have only tried to control the anxiety, I’ve never just stepped away from it. I’ve never trusted myself to just be. If I wasn’t trying to manage it, then I’d spin out of control. The irony is, that my obsession makes me feel out of control. It’s a vicious cycle)
Ainslie needs me to show up.every.day in being present in parenting her and taking care of myself. The anxiety of trying to fit in, of trying to juggle the time crunch of sleepless nights and workouts and eating healthy and the mind games of it all…is too much. I realised that I had to let something give. I know it sounds SO silly to be crying over letting CrossFit go…but it actually means something bigger for me. I’m facing my fears down. I’m having to accept that I can NOT fit it all in…right now.
I’m NOT superMOM, fitMOM…I AM A mom who can squeeze in walks with my girl and who has to just BE STILL in her own mind.
I’ve fed, literally, the anxiety for so long about not being able to do what I need to do to be healthy, happy and fit…that I’ve never let myself and my body accomplish a balance. It’s always been feast and famine. It’s never been enjoy.
I prayed today for some sort of mantra. Some sort of insight. Something I could hold onto to let it go.