I remember the weekly weigh-ins. I do. I remember that he was away for four week gallivanting around as a middle-age, over-paid, wild and unsettled man. Motorcycling by himself in an attempt to run away from his receding hairline and his increasing age.
I remember that I wanted to impress him. I did. Boy did I want to get ALL of that weight off for him.
I had four weeks.
I remember the weigh-ins. I was starving before them. I hadn’t really eaten for 24 hours. I squeezed in two runs a day for the previous three days. I weighed myself every single morning, after a run and at nights. I was obsessed. I went commando and braless to the weigh-in…I wore the thinnest dress I could find.
I wonder if they realised I wore the same clothes each week?
I then would smash my apple, inhaled a granola bar and then stand in front of the cupboard for the remaining nights engorging myself. Either in a lamenting fashion (because I didn’t loose enough or didn’t loose at all) or in celebration of my hard work throttling myself for a loss.
I spiritually fucked my soul over. I starved that girl so hardcore and screwed with her wiring, that it doesn’t surprise me that on the day he told me he feared I’d gain all the weight back…I did…almost.
I gained it back, not because I don’t get HOW to loose weight…or that I’m not educated on proper food choices…or that I haven’t done enough to loose it. (I have) The reason I gained it back…almost…and the reason I struggle is because I’m spiritually starved. I starved my spirit SO much that it’s no wonder I’ve struggle so much. I think that I’ve been aware of this for a long time. (I do ponder, a lot…probably too much) But I didn’t connect the dots. I always thought that if I got my eating right, exercises enough and lost the weight..that then my spirit would come back.
I have it all wrong.
Earlier, before you knew God personally, you were enslaved to so-called gods that had nothing of the divine about them. But now that you know God – or rather since God knows you – how can you possibly subject yourselves again to those paper tigers? ~Galatians 4:8-11
Hold the ice cream. The cookies. The calories. The weekly weigh-ins. The tears. The TimTams. The diet coke.
Hold it all.
I’m following along with the at-home study by Revelation Wellness and something STRUCK me over the head. I’ve been repeating so much this week “let go of the Idols (food, scales, calories) and focus your heart.” On a cognitive level…I get it. On a spiritual level I’ve struggled. Then it hit me over the freaking head.
“If I want to work on my outer, I’ve gotta go inner…and TRUST that I have it within me to connected spiritually to God and myself again.”
I don’t think that long-term weightloss or anything for that matter (and I’d say that I do border on food addiction at times) have really anything to do with the substance. It has everything to do with the ‘spiritual juice’ that I’m lacking. I’m a WEE bit scared to just surrender the idols. To shelve them. To focus on nourshing my soul (because how the f–k do I do that?) But I have immense faith in this study. It’s moved me already. I have immense faith in God. I do.
It’s not easy admitting that you’ve let your soul be spiritually neglected for such a long time. That you’ve been searching for it somewhere between a bowl full of ice cream, failed fitness regimes, bought and then cancelled WW subscriptions and emptied personal promises of rewards for weight-loss goals. But I guess that is where it starts.
Exposing your paper tigers.
And pounding a glass of spiritual juice.