This is what I wrote to my friend about my past four weeks on vacation and visiting Oregon. It felt so good to just be where I am.
Here’s the thing. I come across as confident, but I bury myself in anxiety and FOOD. Food is my cocaine and honestly it does feel like an addiction. I wake up thinking about loosing weight and I have anxiety about how out of control I will feel in social situations when it comes to food. Almost every single night I have over eaten and I promise that I will do better tomorrow. This has happened for at least 8 years.
I know it’s fear.
I’m scared shitless of my power, but more though it’s because I am not totally intune with who I am. I can’t be fearless if I am not in touch with my inner core. I don’t have to be perfect in this, but I do have to be in touch with it. I haven’t ever, for the past 8 years been. I used to, it was so much fun. There’s a lot of reasons why I have been off kilter, but mostly it’s due to really not being in touch with myself. For whatever reason I have made myself the last priority and I think that stems from my first relationship of which I obviously haven’t recovered from. BUT I have in many other ways.
Being home for 4 weeks for far has shown me many patterns of behaviour that I have grown accustom to and how I act. Not just because I am busy as a mum and work in Australia, but because they are engrained in the fabric of my life right now. Truly its a coping mechanism for me, but it’s not no longer healthy. Going to eat a bit of chocolate or ice cream is totally fine. Blowing through binge after binge, day after day is not only not ok for my emotionally but now it’s causing me health concerns.
I think I have always wanted to go back to the past. “I wish I was that girl from 10 years ago” but now i just want to be me. I don’t even think I know me, but I’m NOW finally totally ok with that.
Like a clean slate.
Ok, you do need to practially loose weight AND you also need to tap into all of those triggers. The work, trigger work, is fucking hard work. BUT it’s what brazen transformation happens. I have spent 8 years hoping I’d change. That some how I would morph in Heidi Klum with the clarity of Deepka Chopra. But alas, I haven’t.
I’m no longer pissed off about this whole thing, I’m actually looking at is a blessing. I know I am NOT the only one who feels trapped by the their own baggage and emotional anchors. Now is the time to share my journey of transformation I suppose.
That is the raw. That is the truth. No polish. Just me. And you know what, it feels amazing. I was about to post this and then I saw what Louise Hay had posted this.
Here’s to being brazen, where you are regardless.