Finding My Light In My Heart

I was sitting around a dinner party of women today. Here are some of the comments I heard tonight

I am trying this new diet, I drink two shakes a week. I need to lose some of the fat on my body. I won’t do it forever. I know though, that the hardest thing is to keep it off.
(from a girl who doesn’t need to be losing any weight) I keep myself down to 1,200 calories a day.
I have a friend who restricts herself the whole week, counting calories…then shoves everything in her face on the weekends to the point that she makes herself sick.

After writing how I have been binge free for 21 days…my HEART ACHES! I couldn’t but help to share my story. How through my own perseverance, determination and relying upon faith I overcame this shit that has been holding me down for so long. How dieting almost robbed me of my life. How listening to my emotions/body/soul/mind that I am overcoming..I am recovering. I had to hold back tears, because the words coming out of my mouth aren’t the suffocated, insecure, light-less woman I was.

I was shinning, by being myself!

I am so PROUD of myself that I can hardly hold back the tears. More proud then anything I’ve done before. Cause I am listening, finally, to who I am.

What is your body/mind/soul telling you?

~Mish

21 thoughts on “Finding My Light In My Heart

    • Mish says:

      I don’t know. I couldn’t help but go off on them. I couldn’t hold it back. They all just looked at me and stared. But you know we are ALL at our own places in our journeys w/ our weight. I just wish that I would have had someone share their story when I was struggling. I think it’s how women come together, in their imperfections.

  1. Kelly says:

    Thank you, Mish, for being so open and brave. You are truly helping people. I think I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago after googling “weight loss blog” feeling really desperate and out of control. Reading your words has been invaluable to me. Instead of starting with the current date, I started at the very beginning of your blog and read every single post.

    I haven’t told many people about my problems with binging and dieting; it’s degrading and embarrassing and totally exposing. I also didn’t know anyone who could listen to me and not judge.

    I have been not only thin but skinny my whole life. My friends always looked up to me for being so in shape (I ran for FUN!). I was also the one who brought her own lunch to restaurants to not only save money, but to eat more healthfully.

    But, a few years ago I started perpetually dieting (not like I needed to) and it got really bad before my wedding 3 years ago; I went on a 2 week crash. Yeah, I was super skinny, probably too skinny because my dress almost wouldn’t stay on! Since then, my body fears going without food and any time I try to “be good” or “eat better” I swing wildly into binging. I’ve lost most of my muscle (because of loss of motivation to work out due to poor body image) and have gained fat, to the tune of 15 – 20 pounds. That’s a lot for a small-framed person.

    I’m also dealing with a mother who has the same high standards. She’s probably 120 pounds soaking wet and (knowing I have eating issues, somewhat) will take one bite of bread and say “I really shouldn’t be doing this…I just want to lose a couple pounds”.

    Anyway, I know that was a lot, but I know you’ve been there and you give me hope and comfort because I’m not alone. (I’m getting teary at the moment). I am also trying to find my destiny; consider yourself extremely lucky to know – and to be realizing!! – what your destiny is. I hope so much to get to a place of peace and contentment. Then maybe I can start my life.

    Thank you so much and keep fighting the good fight.

    • Mish says:

      Hon I so hardcore get it. I really want to offer a couple of resources that I think may assist you..WHEN YOU’RE READY! The interesting thing with my recovery is that it was only when I was ready to dig DEEP. as in wade through all the the emotional sh– that I had and give words to those innermost deep dark feelings/assertions that I was able to really say I AM READY. I was scared of those emotions within me because honestly I didn’t think that I could make it. The other interesting thing is that we can fill ourselves with HEAPS of knowledge, head knowledge, but until we truthfully open our hearts, deal with our pain….it won’t gel. I remember thinking ‘I know that I want to get over this, I know how to do this, WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?’. Only after writing the the post about not keeping it a secret anymore, did I actually REALLY want to be free in my heart.

      A couple of things: http://www.ohsheglows, http://www.honoringhealth.com, http://www.choosingraw.com, http://kclanderson.com/before-and-after/, http://www.healthforthewholeself.com/ are some of the blogs that get me through in my intuitive eating journey.

      The other is some authors that have helped me: Louise Hay and Geneen Roth ‘Women, God, Food’—I haven’t gotten it yet, but the excerpts and the stuff that kclanderson talk about regarding this book are amazing. Honestly, her blog posts about this book in the past two weeks I just sit and SHAKE my head!

      I leave you with this: YOU CAN, YOU WILL! Never EVER give up on yourself. Even if today you do/did/feel like it, I hope that you know what even in the midst of it ALL I always knew that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. Please always feel free to e-mail me if you ever need anything 🙂 You are also amazing for back reading..crazy lady! Hugs!

      • Kelly says:

        Thanks so much for your inspiration and resources! It’s wonderful, also, how you diligently respond to your followers. I’m happy to say that I don’t think I’ve “binged” for at least a little while. I did start going to talk therapy and the intense urge to fill myself using food has diminished. It’s strange new territory. What’s sad? I feel lonely without it. Can you relate? It feels like that part of me is missing, like I’m so used to doing this behavior that I feel almost lost without it. But, empowered. I do have to thank you for your blog in helping get to this point. I have a long way to go but know I’ll make it.

      • Mish says:

        “It’s strange new territory. What’s sad? I feel lonely without it. Can you relate? It feels like that part of me is missing, like I’m so used to doing this behavior that I feel almost lost without it. But, empowered.” —> oh my heavens totally. I need to write a blog about that. If I am not a binger, then who am I? People start to identify and wrap who they are up in their struggles/failures instead of the true honest spirits. I am still learning who I am…but I know that I never want to be a binger again 🙂

  2. KCLAnderson (Karen) says:

    What a wonderful, heartfelt post/video. So good to see and hear you, my dear.

    It’s funny, I started thinking about what a binge actually is and today it’s a lot different than it was five years ago. Today a binge might actually only be a relatively small amount of relatively healthy food, but it’s the intention…the intention in which I eat it.

    Keep on keepin on!

    • Mish says:

      like you said, i believe in one of your comments. it’s not about the food, it’s about the emotion. I can pound a whole batch of cookies or a jar of almond butter…all wanting the same thing.

  3. Amanda says:

    Hi Mish, I have been following your blog for a little while now and I want to thank you for your vlog. You are very inspiring, Cheers, Amanda

  4. I'm My Favorite says:

    My mind/body/soul is telling me that I’m in control and I’ve got this thing. My self esteem is at the highest it’s ever been. I found an exercise that I love after years of thinking I would never enjoy exercise. I’ve been going to Zumba for almost a year, 4 or 5 times a week and I’m in the front row of every class. I love myself and I can see I’m inspiring others around me.

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