Exposed {but it means more this time, in a different way}

When I wrote my first Exposed post in 2009…I was pissed. I wanted to prove to every.single.person (including the ex-boyfriend) that indeed I was powerful, beautiful and comfortable in who I was.

After this post I decided that I wanted to do something for myself, that shows who I really am. I can/could write all of the things which I hate about my body: wish I was stretch mark free, didn’t muffin-top, had a six pack.

Then in 2010, I re-exposed myself.

I look at my body in a totally different light.I am beginning to evaluate its spirit, what comes out of its pores and radiates from its eyes and shakes in its hips. I am beginning to see the body-spirit connection. I didn’t know if I’d take another photo, but I did. In my swimming suit. It was one of the most therapeutic things I’ve done in a long time. I started to see my beauty again.

This is me…four years later. Exposed.

I’m not exactly sure what I’d write, because I feel like there’s so much more understanding of who I am. I have learned to just be where I am more. Sometimes we have to rebel, go off the track a bit, to come back on the track at our own pace. I’m starting to find my pace. I’m starting to re-define my track.

I’ve learnt not to hide as much. To be less apologetic. I’ve learned to love more, to be more of a partnership with those around me. I’ve learned to let someone love me, to be dependent in ways upon someone. I’ve learned the beauty of giving love. I’ve been told I’m beautiful…at whatever weight I’m at…and believed it. I’ve sobbed openly into Andrew’s arms because the battle with food is intoxicatingly difficult sometimes. I never thought I’d ever attribute my own journey being so greatly catapulted and nurtured by a person…but I owe Andrew a lot. When I can’t possibly think of loving myself, he does. He shows the love that I have forgotten to recognise so often…but am learning to see.

I’m learning to ‘wave the white flag’ and rest. rest. rest.

I’ve put weight on, lost weight, ran races, tried yoga, I’ve tried to find my balance.

I’m not finished. But I live in deeply baited hope that change, peace, and grace is possible. It has, ironically, been the deep determination to expose all of the ugly, snot ridden, scary thoughts…expose them into the light and work through them which as enabled my growth. Even if that means that my physical vessel hasn’t changed much, my heart has. It’s been hard work, but worth it.

I have to admit that sometimes I’m scarred of being at peace. I’m scarred of not having to ‘work’ on something. I’m scarred to think that perhaps..right.now.I’m.ok. I revolt against contentment.

But…I’m exposing that. I’m learning to just be. still. at. peace.

I am who I am right now. Not forever. But may as well embrace me now and rock the shiznat outta it.

~Mish xo

if you’re thinking of joining the Exposed Movement, please check it out.